How fortunate we sexaholics are!

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

"How fortunate we are, then, to be so needy that we have to find what our lust was really looking for—the loving God who is our refuge and our strength." (Sexaholics Anonymous p. 136)

I was shocked the first time I read the line "how fortunate we are, then, to be so needy that we have to find what our lust was really looking for." I saw in this statement that I should consider myself to be fortunate to be a lust addict, and that was not something I was ready to accept. I wished I had never become a sexaholic, and being "so needy" was definitely a blow to my ego. I wanted to solve my problem myself. 

At the beginning, I was not striving after God. I was striving to gain control over something that had me completely under its control, and I saw that as my sexual acting out. But after many years of relapses and of going in and out of SA, I finally reached my own "bottom", my unequivocal admission of total powerlessness over lust. At that moment, I did not feel "fortunate" at all!

But then something surprising happened. By fully accepting and embracing my powerlessness, I found that God had been there all that time, patiently waiting for me to move toward him instead of running from him, always willing to fill that "great void" in my life and give me freedom from lust. 

As the Alcoholics Anonymous book puts it, "God could and would, if he were sought." I doubt I would have ever developed a growing relationship with God if I had not been a sexaholic. And now I can agree that I am indeed fortunate to be so needy that I had to find that kind of God. 

Third Step Prayer

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

At our local face-to-face meeting we are reading through the Alcoholics Anonymous book (AABB). In our last meeting, we read through the first half of Chapter 5, How It Works. That section contains the "Third Step Prayer". Here it is from page 63:

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always."

Our local group prays this prayer together almost every week, and that's great. But one of the downsides of repeating something so often can be a tendency to not really think about what we are saying to God about. 

The phrase that stood out to me the most as we read it this time was this: "Take away my difficulties,...." I am asking God to do something for me that seems to me to be something almost everyone would desire if they really believed there was a God who "could and would" do this for them. 

Asking for God to do this for me is an admission of my powerlessness. If I could do it myself, why would I be asking God to do it for me? And when I approach my difficulties with this acceptance that I need God to do this for me, then I can "bear witness" not to what I have done, but for what God has done for me that I could not do myself.

Acceptance and Step 11

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

 "Until I could accept my [sexaholism], I could not stay sober." (AABB p.417) This specific acceptance was absolutely necessary and foundational to all that has followed. Fighting my lust and my addiction was not only impossible, it made sobriety and the resulting recovery impossible as well. I often share in meetings that I "embraced" my sexaholism. I am a sexaholic; I accept that without reservation; I embrace that reality; I do not attempt to change that truth about myself. And by doing so, I accepted that I had no other option but to work the Steps of SA under the direction of a sponsor in order to become rightly connected with God and others and to live a changed life based on the 12 Step principles. 

One of the ways I continue to do that is to continue a practice that I began more than 12 years ago. Whenever I am triggered from without and tempted from within, I "turn away", take a deep breath and exhale a prayer in conscious contact with God. I say, "God, I surrender this to you, because I can not handle it." I consciously bring God into this moment, this thought, this feeling. Although the God of my understanding is always present with me, I need to consciously bring him into my mind and heart, or I remain alone. This remains a consistent part of my working of Step 11. It is the way in which each trigger and temptation is "redeemed", turned into something positive in my life and recovery. 

By embracing my sexaholism and consciously surrendering every lust temptation, I am set free from lust's power and my fear of it, and instead connected with my loving God. 

Fortunate to be a sexaholic

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

The Step 11 section in the Sexaholics Anonymous book says this about "prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God":

"Improve our contact with God? When did we ever have any real contact? Along our journey through Steps One through Ten, unless we were fooling ourselves. Our admission of powerlessness should have been surrender to God. Our change of attitude resulted in commitment of our lives to God. The moral inventory was our admission of what we really were to God. Those thousands of "telegrams" for help—getting moment-by-moment relief from our obsession and defects—was resorting to God instead of to self. And atonement with those we had hurt and estranged marvelously opened the way for restored union with God. 

"Little did we realize that in taking all these actions for survival, sobriety, and serenity, we were finding our God! So long as we held on to our lusts, He was lost to us. But now, with our having torn down the wall of our wrongs, with nothing between, there He was, within. ...

"How fortunate we are, then, to be so needy that we have to find what our lust was really looking for—the loving God who is our refuge and our strength."

Along with being a sexaholic, I have a number of character defects that require the work of the Steps to recover and find freedom from. One of those is an extreme case of "I'll-do-it-myself" (with chin up), even though the evidence of my life shows that when I try to do it myself, I often make a worse mess of whatever it is. It took years of being beaten into having to surrender lust, to finally find freedom, and that would never have happened if I never became a sexaholic. 

So today I no longer regret it when I say, "I am a sexaholic." I embrace the reality that I am so needy and powerless that I have to find God and surrender to his will for my life.

Sobriety Milestones

 (The following post is the experience of one of our group members.)

In my earliest days of SA meeting attendance, I reported my length of sobriety along with everyone else at our local face-to-face meeting. So it was something that I tracked for that purpose if nothing else. But when I started to get longer lengths of sobriety, I did become prideful of "my achievement", and that attitude was a disaster waiting to happen. As expected, disaster did happen, with many years of relapsing and "going back out there" as the consequence.

In my earliest home group, some of the "old-timers" with longer lengths of sobriety started to introduce themselves by saying "I'm sober today" as a way to avoid making people with shorter lengths of sobriety feel "uncomfortable." Acting like I was following their lead, I started using that same "I'm sober today" line as a way to hide that I wasn't maintaining sobriety at all. (Everything really does boil down to my own attitudes and motives.) But when it got discussed at a group conscience meeting, the clear consensus from those of us with shorter terms of sobriety was that we needed to know that long-term sobriety was desirable and, more importantly, was truly possible. 

In my current period of sobriety, I had finally accepted that I was truly powerless over lust (Step 1). And with that admission, I had fully accepted that "my sobriety" was a gift from God, since I myself am powerless over lust. There is nothing to feel prideful about when all I am doing is accepting the work of God in my life through surrendering that which I am powerless over. 

Today I would say that more times than not, I have slid past my anniversary date without recognizing it until I introduce myself at the next meeting and am a bit surprised that yet another year has passed. 

Today I know that there is no "good reason" for me to ever act out again. Certainly I can start making a whole series of really bad choices that once again separates me from God and his power actively working in my heart and mind. And if I do that, I am most certainly well on my way to a relapse. But if I continue making the principles of this program my daily lifestyle, there is every reason to believe that God will continue to do for me what I cannot do for myself.  That is simply part of his loving nature.  And that still happens one day at a time, regardless of how many days that totals up to be.

I Am Not Strong

(The following post is the experience of one of our group members.)

Almost 12 years ago I "hit bottom". I finally admitted and embraced the reality that I was not only not strong, but that I was powerless over lust. The difference on that day from all the other previous days when I had regretted my sexual acting out was that I finally gave up the delusional idea that I could ever become strong enough to win the fight over lust. My only option to be free from my slavery to lust was to have some other Power to set me free from the power that lust had over me. That Power is God, and God can and will do that for me.

Working the SA 12 Step program did not make me strong enough to fight lust. Instead of taught me how to connect rightly with God through surrendering my lust and my will and life to him. When I live correctly in relationship to God and to others, I stay sober and I continue to be set free from the power of lust.

I had to give up the delusion that I could become strong. I don't need to be strong, but I do need to be connected to Power. That is my experience as a sexaholic, as a person recovering from an addiction to lust.

Going back to Step 1

(The following is a post from one of our group members.)

I was listening to another sexaholic sharing about how he was "going back to Step 1" because of his recent relapse. I could relate. I did this many times in my early years of going to SA meetings. I had to do this because there was something still missing in my Step 1 experience (and experience is different from knowledge). 

As the Sexaholics Anonymous book reminds me, the truth is that I must be "taken by Step 1". For me that was at the point of complete despair, the "incomprehensible demoralization" the Alcoholics Anonymous book talks about. That was when I fully admitted and fully embraced the belief that I was powerless over lust and that in my own power I remain powerless over it for the rest of my life. I no longer had any delusion that I could work hard enough to gain power over lust. It is as if powerlessness had become part of my DNA, not something I could change by any effort of my own.

I have not  "gone back to Step 1" once I started really working the SA 12 Step program. I started working the program in earnest under the direction of a sponsor not long after I had been "taken by Step 1". Since then I have not relapsed. But I have not doubted for one minute that I am still powerless over lust. How can that be? The only wayt to explain it is to experience a Power greater than myself and greater than lust who is at work in me.  And if God were to withdraw his power, I would be lost. And that is where the rest of the Steps become so crucial as a path to a right relationship with God, a means by which I can stay "plugged into" God.

Here's that section from the AABB (p. 30) that reminds me of my ongoing powerlessness, edited to fit my particular "drug of choice":

"We sexaholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our lusting. We know that no real sexaholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that sexaholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

"Figure it out" is not one of our slogans

(The following is a post from one of our group members.)

I don't know if my experience is like anyone else's or not. But not only did I never "figure it out", trying to figure it out became a roadblock to surrendering (give up, let go, and let God) and kept me from having the necessary change in attitude and taking the action Steps necessary to connect rightly with God and find sobriety and freedom from lust.

For me, "figuring it out" was my attempt to gain control over lust, over myself, and over the world around me. But I couldn't control any of those things; I was powerless. I needed power I didn't have. It had to come from somewhere else, from Someone else.

Trying to figure it out kept me distracted and kept me living deep in my illusions and delusions, instead of having to face the simple truth that I had been thoroughly defeated. Trying to figure it out kept me from abandoning myself to God's grace and power. It kept me from surrendering to God and working the Steps as my sponsors suggested I work them. It kept me wrapped up trying to do things my way. But doing things my way never gained me freedom.

Today I have sobriety, recovery, healing and freedom. I didn't need to "figure it out" to get here. But I did have to lose the fight, surrender to God, and work the Steps under someone else's direction in order to connect with the Power that would free me.

The Humanly Impossible

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

On page 50, the Alcoholics Anonymous book has this to say about "the humanly impossible" (emph. mine).

   On one proposition, however, these [recovered] men and women are strikingly agreed. Every one of them has gained access to, and believe in, a Power greater than himself. This Power has in each case accomplished the miraculous, the humanly impossible. As a celebrated American statesman put it, “Let’s look at the record.”
   Here are thousands of men and women, worldly indeed. They flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a Power greater than themselves, to take a certain attitude toward that Power, and to do certain simple things, there has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking. In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of the total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements.  

What I like about that quote is that it goes beyond simple "believe-ism" and gets at the core of my problem. The core of my problem wasn't that I didn't believe in a Power greater than myself (God), it was that I was unwilling to "take a certain attitude toward that Power, and do certain simple things" that the sexaholics with real recovery, freedom from lust, and a changed life had done. But when I finally had been completely defeated by lust and fully experienced Step 1 (admitted and accepted powerlessness), I became willing to change my attitude toward God and do those certain simple things. And having connected rightly with God, he took care of the rest.

Step Two experience

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

I spent years unable and unwilling to take Step Three. I believe now that was because I hadn't fully taken Step Two. (It also was because I kept trying to make the Steps into what I wanted them to be and to work them without surrendering to a sponsor, but that's another topic.)

The crucial change happened for me when I "came to believe"... "that God could and would if He were sought." (AABB p. 59 & 60) Up until that point, the God that I had believed in "could" restore me to sanity, but He would not until I had done enough of the right things myself to earn His favor and deserved His help. That didn't work; I couldn't do it.

In actuality, my Step One experience was not yet complete either. I still believed that I could overcome lust in my own power, and therefore I had never admitted that I was truly powerless over lust. But when the powerlessness of Step One was finally fully accepted and fully embraced, I not only was given the grace to live with that pain, but I was given the grace to believe that there was no other hope for me than to fully trust and fall into the hands of a loving God who not only could, but surely would restore me to sanity. And that meant that He alone had to be the Power that was willing to keep me sober, even if I could not do it myself or ever earn it.

My understanding of God had to change before I could and would turn my will and life over to His care.

Not knowing why

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Sometimes I just have no idea why things are the way they are. For example, I was on a long solo bike ride the other day. From something like 20k into it, I started having a lot of intrusive sexual images and thoughts just pop up into my head from seemingly nowhere. (Actually the "nowhere" is obviously my own head.) I wasn't seeing any triggering images around me. I wasn't struggling with resentment or other character defects. Bike riding long distance is not atypical for me. There really wasn't any special explanation for what was happening.

...That is, no special explanation other than the undeniable fact that I am a sexaholic. It shouldn't surprise me at all that sometimes my brain will flip certain switches without me having any idea why, switches that bring back a lot of junk to my consciousness that I'd rather not think about anymore, junk that I used to think was fun to fantasize about and obsess over. Junk I don't want anymore.

I recall the clear sound of certainty and seriousness in the voice of one of the SA old-timers as he said one simple sentence that has stuck with me ever since: "I don't want to lust anymore." There was resolve in that voice, each word spoken with intent and force. He was done with it. He wanted no more of it. That feeling and resolve fit the description our literature when it says, "Until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this." (SAWB p. 202)

Although my bike ride seemed like an unlikely situation to have those thoughts, although I would not have chosen to have that happen if I had any control over it, I was not forced to respond to those thoughts either with indulgence or with fear. I've been working this program and living a new life for long enough now to know that God is faithful, and he will do for me what I can't do for myself. I have enough experience to know that this too would pass and that I could count on God to receive from me that which I truly surrendered to him.

External triggers may come my way. Memories and old thought might return at any moment. Temptations may arise at any time and in any place. I might not ever know why. But surrendering all of that, including my will and life to God, means that I am connected to a Power that will keep me sober and free. And I love being free!

Serenity

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Another member of our program was sharing about feeling a heaviness. That got me thinking about how heaviness contrasts with serenity. I definitely prefer serenity!

I've had plenty of years (decades) of heaviness before I found freedom in this program. Since I live with my wife, I have someone who observes me in as basic a state of being as I've got. And she tells me that she sees the difference in me that my years of sobriety and recovery have brought. I think sometimes I can't really see it myself, because it is happening to me "naturally" as I practice the principles of SA that I learned by working the Steps of the program with a sponsor's guidance.

Serenity is one of the things that has changed. Serenity is happening to me. The Serenity Prayer start out with "God, grant me the serenity...." It's not something I can conjure up in myself. It is a gift. It doesn't happen because all my circumstances just magically change. It happens while I am still in the midst of those circumstances. God grants it. The full Serenity Prayer talks about "accepting hardship as the pathway to peace", so circumstances may well be very difficult still. But serenity is still possible even then.

This reminds me that the whole point of this program is to bring me into a right relationship with God. Sobriety, recovery, serenity are all natural outcomes of a right relationship with God. It really is that simple for me. There really only is this one thing to focus on, and then everything else falls into place. And that includes accepting the things I can not change, having courage to change the things I can, and gaining the wisdom to know that difference. SA tells me that the Steps are the path to get there and that a sponsor can guide me. That's how it works.

Taken by Step One

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

SA's Step One: "We admitted that we were powerless over lust -- that our lives had become unmanageable."

On page 87 of the Sexaholic Anonymous "White Book" it goes on to says this:

This is why "telling all" is not taking the First Step. Such confession can be anything from boastful replay to anguished dumping or intellectual analysis. And even then, it's not really "all" and often is only surface material. In truth, we don't "take" the First Step; it takes us. It overtakes us. And if it hasn't yet, hopefully it will. The sickness and punishment sexaholism produces inside us keep pounding us until we're ready to give up, let go, and know we are powerless over lust.

The first time I made an effort to work Step One was probably back in 1989. I had a look at some material about how to do it, asked a few questions, and then proceeded to try to do it my way by writing out a "Step One Inventory". I polished it up, and with quite a few months of sobriety already (it might have been a whole year), I shared what I had written in our local meeting. I can look back and see that person and remember the pride with which I shared that inventory, basking in the attention of the group, receiving the "good job" congratulations after the meeting ended.

But regardless of how well I had followed the formula to prepare and share, I had not yet taken the First Step. And it should come as no surprise that I had many more years of relapses and acting out ahead of me before I would finally have a true Step One experience. As with everything else in this program, it's an inside job and it all starts with proper attitude that will then lead to proper action. Step One happens in the heart.

When I returned to SA more than six years ago, I was a very different man. I had been beaten. I had been humiliated (but not yet humble). I had already been to the point of despair. I had several months of tenuous sobriety when I finally became just humble enough to ask for someone to sponsor me. I knew that my ongoing sobriety and true recovery depended on working the Steps the way that had worked for some other SA who was sober and in recovery. I knew I needed help, and I needed to stop relying on myself, because I was powerless over lvst and my life had become unmanageable. I knew I had to take direction and do what I was told was good for me whether I understood it or not.

So six years ago when I started with my sponsor, in all honesty it didn't really matter what he suggested I do to work Step One. My Step One experience was already done. Rather than me doing anything, it had happened to me. The admission was already complete. I had been taken.

So what is "surrender"?

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

I talk a lot about surrender when I share my story with others, so I am often asked what surrender means to me. I really like this definition for surrender I found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary a few years ago:

"Surrender: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed. : to give the control or use of (something) to someone else."

In my experience, that is probably as accurate as it can be defined for this sexaholic!

First, I had to agree with God to stop fighting, hiding and resisting because I finally knew in the core of my being that I could not win or succeed (Step One).

• I stopped fighting lust. I stopped fighting being a sexaholic. I stopped fighting God.
• I stopped hiding the truth about what I was (a sexaholic) and what I had done (my wrongs/sins) from myself. I stopped hiding that from God (or should I say, "trying to hide that" from God). I stopped hiding from my fellow sexaholics, and particularly from my sponsor, the true nature of what I was and what I had done.
• I stopped resisting lust. I stopped resisting temptations and triggers (surrendering them instead). I stopped resisting God and his will for my actions and life.

Then I gave control of myself to God.

• I gave control over my lusting to God. I gave control over my sexual acting out to God. I gave the control of my will and life to God for his use.  

And because I am a sexaholic, that meant that I agreed to work the 12 Steps of the SA program as my sponsor directed me to do so. I gave up my supposed freedom so that I could become truly free from the bondage of lust and sexual acting out.

As the SA book says it on page 81:

"In summary, for us surrender is the change in attitude of the inner person that makes life possible. It is the great beginning, the insignia and watchword of our program. And no amount of knowledge about surrender can make it a fact until we simply give up, let go, and let God. When we surrender our 'freedom,' we become truly free."

Why did this happen?

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

Before I finally started to listen to a S.A. sponsor and follow his directions to work the 12 Steps of the S.A. program, I was very interested in figuring out the answers to my questions about why I was addicted to lust and why I kept doing these things that in the end caused me pain and despair. I thought it was important to figure out "why" because I was still under the delusion that if I could figure it out, then I could do something about it. But that meant that I still had not really admitted and accepted that I am a sexaholic (Step One) and that I really am powerless over lust in any form. And I wasn't ready for this program until I finally got to that point of really admitting Step One was completely true for me.

The answer to the "why" questions are rather simple for me today. The answer is that I am a sexaholic, and I am not God. That's really all there is to it.

And that means that it would be essential for me to learn how to rightly connect with God in an attitude of complete surrender. And that happens for me as I work the 12 Steps of S.A. the way my sponsor suggested I do it.

Respect for SA's Traditions

(This is a personal story from one of our members.)

I have an ever-growing respect for the SA Traditions. SA (and AA before that) still exist and can offer a program of recovery because the Traditions have ensured they are still here, still doing what they were designed to do from the beginning.

Naturally I am a "member" of some other organizations such as my workplace and my religious affiliation. And I've seen and experienced the rise (and fall) of personalities in those groups. It truly is a rare person who can be the focus of attention for very long before that attention leads to problems of power and control. As someone once said, "we are by nature glory-hoarding, self-centered, control freaks."  I know I certainly am.

In keeping with the principles in our SA literature (Tradition 2), our local group refers to the members who have been elected to positions of "leadership" as "trusted servants."  When I am serving the group as treasurer or literature chairperson or secretary, I am reminded every week when we read the Traditions together that as a "trusted servant", my "position" in the group is for the purpose of serving this local fellowship. And I am further reminded that the primary purpose of our group is to carry the message to the sexaholic who still suffers (Tradition 5). Serving and helping others diminishes my tendency toward becoming a "personality".

The Traditions are packed with so much great stuff that helps keeps the "me" in check from harming "us". And this too requires that I surrender my will to God, or I will naturally default to being a "glory-hoarding, self-centered, control freak" in my pursuit of my personality.

Daily reminders

(The following is a personal story from one of our members.)

I'm reminded every day that I am a lust addict. It starts in the morning as I take time to connect with God at the beginning of the day and I remind myself as a habit when I pray that I am an addict. It continues during the day when some random temptation or trigger comes my way and reminds me that I am a lust addict. It also reminds me that I can connect with God in the midst of that trigger or temptation and make good use of what used to drive me to fear and panic. It now drives me to God. And that's a good thing. So it's good to be a recovering addict. I've grown and changed in ways that I don't think I could have if I wasn't an addict.

I used to desperately want to be rid of my addiction. I wanted the addiction gone and to never return. I wanted to be an "ex-addict" for whom sexual temptation no longer held any attraction. I wanted to be rid of "the addict", to cut that part of me out and get rid of it once and for all. I wanted an instant and permanent cure so that I could just be a "normal guy."

I wanted so many things, including wanting my will regarding my addiction to be done.  I told God what I wanted, and when He didn't deliver, I began doubting Him.

But God apparently knew better. He offered a different solution. In this solution, I still am a lust addict. Temptations and triggers are still real. I sometimes have what seems like the most random memories or thoughts pop into my head. (Apparently my brain still holds all those memories and thoughts somewhere.) In the real world there are real temptations for me to face.

But I do not have to live in fear of any of that. I have "a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition."  By working the program of the 12 Steps under the direction of a sponsor, I have become rightly connected with God, the Power greater than myself, who can and will keep me sober as I surrender my will and life and temptations and triggers to Him.

So I have embraced being a lust addict instead of continuing to fight it. It is not a separate part of me that I can be rid of. It is who I am. I am a sexaholic, and I am living free from the power of lust one day at a time because God keeps me sober.

Accepting Others & The Solution - Personal Story

(This post is a personal story from one of our members.)

I appreciate the reminders I get of how my life is so much better when I finally give up trying to change other people.  I continue to learn that attempting to change other people is simply a battle I can not win, and as such, all I succeed in doing is to frustrate myself and others when I try to do it. It's just one of those "accept the things I can not change" situations.

Granted, if someone really wants my help because they are really ready to change and will go to any length to do that, that's a different story. In that case I need to be unselfish enough to actually offer the experience, hope and strength that I've been given because of what God has been doing for me, and because of the help I got from other people in the program. Specifically, I can try to suggest that there is a solution that works if someone is willing to work it.

And I don't think it can be said too often that the solution is to get a sponsor and follow the sponsor's directions to work the 12 Steps as a means to connect rightly with God (who keeps me sober) and others (which means I don't have nearly as much pressure/temptations/triggers to return to the lust drug I used addictively for decades).

I guess it really is a simple program. It's just 12 simple Steps that if taken with the right attitude of surrender, result in a life-changing, spiritual awakening. Yeah, it's hard work, but it's worth it.

Acceptance - A Personal Story

The following is a personal story from one of our members.

I've had to accept a lot of things along the journey to a "happy and joyous freedom I could otherwise never know." Some I wouldn't accept because of my pride. Some I wouldn't accept because of my fear or shame. Some I wouldn't accept because I had already made up my mind, and accepting that would prove I was wrong. Some I wouldn't accept because if I did, it would mean that I would have to submit myself to God instead of keeping on running (or is that "ruining"?) my own life.

I had to accept powerlessness, and that I always will be. I had to accept that I am weak. I had to accept that I didn't have the requisite strength to fight lust. I had to accept that I am "the addict" I kept trying to run from, kept trying to struggle with, kept trying to separate myself from (as if I could separate myself from myself). I had to accept that I didn't know what to do or how to do it. I had to accept the direction of a sponsor and the other addicts who's experience meant that they knew a whole lot more than me about what it took to get sober and stay sober. I had to accept that God was God, and I was not.

And I could go on and on with the list of what all I've had to accept. As the SA book reminds me, "until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery." I had to accept that I could not, but that "God could and would if He were sought."