(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)
Sometimes I just have no idea why things are the way they are. For example, I was on a long solo bike ride the other day. From something like 20k into it, I started having a lot of intrusive sexual images and thoughts just pop up into my head from seemingly nowhere. (Actually the "nowhere" is obviously my own head.) I wasn't seeing any triggering images around me. I wasn't struggling with resentment or other character defects. Bike riding long distance is not atypical for me. There really wasn't any special explanation for what was happening.
...That is, no special explanation other than the undeniable fact that I am a sexaholic. It shouldn't surprise me at all that sometimes my brain will flip certain switches without me having any idea why, switches that bring back a lot of junk to my consciousness that I'd rather not think about anymore, junk that I used to think was fun to fantasize about and obsess over. Junk I don't want anymore.
I recall the clear sound of certainty and seriousness in the voice of one of the SA old-timers as he said one simple sentence that has stuck with me ever since: "I don't want to lust anymore." There was resolve in that voice, each word spoken with intent and force. He was done with it. He wanted no more of it. That feeling and resolve fit the description our literature when it says, "Until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this." (SAWB p. 202)
Although my bike ride seemed like an unlikely situation to have those thoughts, although I would not have chosen to have that happen if I had any control over it, I was not forced to respond to those thoughts either with indulgence or with fear. I've been working this program and living a new life for long enough now to know that God is faithful, and he will do for me what I can't do for myself. I have enough experience to know that this too would pass and that I could count on God to receive from me that which I truly surrendered to him.
External triggers may come my way. Memories and old thought might return at any moment. Temptations may arise at any time and in any place. I might not ever know why. But surrendering all of that, including my will and life to God, means that I am connected to a Power that will keep me sober and free. And I love being free!
