(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)
Sometimes I just have no idea why things are the way they are. For example, I was on a long solo bike ride the other day. From something like 20k into it, I started having a lot of intrusive sexual images and thoughts just pop up into my head from seemingly nowhere. (Actually the "nowhere" is obviously my own head.) I wasn't seeing any triggering images around me. I wasn't struggling with resentment or other character defects. Bike riding long distance is not atypical for me. There really wasn't any special explanation for what was happening.
...That is, no special explanation other than the undeniable fact that I am a sexaholic. It shouldn't surprise me at all that sometimes my brain will flip certain switches without me having any idea why, switches that bring back a lot of junk to my consciousness that I'd rather not think about anymore, junk that I used to think was fun to fantasize about and obsess over. Junk I don't want anymore.
I recall the clear sound of certainty and seriousness in the voice of one of the SA old-timers as he said one simple sentence that has stuck with me ever since: "I don't want to lust anymore." There was resolve in that voice, each word spoken with intent and force. He was done with it. He wanted no more of it. That feeling and resolve fit the description our literature when it says, "Until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this." (SAWB p. 202)
Although my bike ride seemed like an unlikely situation to have those thoughts, although I would not have chosen to have that happen if I had any control over it, I was not forced to respond to those thoughts either with indulgence or with fear. I've been working this program and living a new life for long enough now to know that God is faithful, and he will do for me what I can't do for myself. I have enough experience to know that this too would pass and that I could count on God to receive from me that which I truly surrendered to him.
External triggers may come my way. Memories and old thought might return at any moment. Temptations may arise at any time and in any place. I might not ever know why. But surrendering all of that, including my will and life to God, means that I am connected to a Power that will keep me sober and free. And I love being free!
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Sleepless nights
(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)
I was remembering an incident a couple of nights ago when I could not get to sleep. Eventually I got up and turned on the computer. I checked my email accounts, and spent some time writing a few responses and then some posts to an online recovery group. Eventually, feeling sufficiently tired, I headed off to bed.
My wife had been asleep through all of this. I ever so quietly opened the door and did everything I could not to wake her.
And at that moment a thought occurred to me. I had done this same thing so many times before, this sneaking back to bed after having been on the computer in the middle of the night. But this time was different. This time was in recovery, because this time I was still sober.
When I was still trapped in my addiction, I would have been sneaking back into the room feeling oh so guilty and ashamed. I would have been doing everything I could so as not to wake her and have her wondering what I had been doing. My motivation would have been to hide and deceive, to not be caught.
But now it is all different. Now my motive is good. Now I am not thinking of myself at all. Now I am only thinking about her well-being, trying my best to not wake her so that at least she will have a good night's sleep.
For me, the joys of this program are in watching how God is changing me as I surrender to His will for me, surrender my selfishness and resentment and a lot of other character defects, and ask Him to change me. Working the Steps with a sponsor taught me how to start doing that.
"It works if you work it."
I was remembering an incident a couple of nights ago when I could not get to sleep. Eventually I got up and turned on the computer. I checked my email accounts, and spent some time writing a few responses and then some posts to an online recovery group. Eventually, feeling sufficiently tired, I headed off to bed.
My wife had been asleep through all of this. I ever so quietly opened the door and did everything I could not to wake her.
And at that moment a thought occurred to me. I had done this same thing so many times before, this sneaking back to bed after having been on the computer in the middle of the night. But this time was different. This time was in recovery, because this time I was still sober.
When I was still trapped in my addiction, I would have been sneaking back into the room feeling oh so guilty and ashamed. I would have been doing everything I could so as not to wake her and have her wondering what I had been doing. My motivation would have been to hide and deceive, to not be caught.
But now it is all different. Now my motive is good. Now I am not thinking of myself at all. Now I am only thinking about her well-being, trying my best to not wake her so that at least she will have a good night's sleep.
For me, the joys of this program are in watching how God is changing me as I surrender to His will for me, surrender my selfishness and resentment and a lot of other character defects, and ask Him to change me. Working the Steps with a sponsor taught me how to start doing that.
"It works if you work it."
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Joy - A Personal Story
The following is a personal story from one of our members.
Often in meetings it's so easy to focus on what didn't go so well that week. But meetings really are amazing, and can be a place of real joy.
Besides our SA meetings, I have a different small group of men that I meet with every week. There's no other sexaholics in that group I know of. They know I'm recovering, but only two of them know any of the details. It's a great group of men, but it's not like my local SA group.
In my SA group, I can talk about my most painful memories and my worst shame. I know I'm safe there. I know there are others there who understand. I won't be judged or rejected. I need not hide anything. There is joy to be had in an SA meeting, if only I recognize the amazing things God is doing there in each of us and through our unity as well.
But I still think the joy that comes from experiencing being set free from the power of my lust tops the list. Sometimes I go for quite some time without thinking about what an amazing gift that really is. But there are lots of other times, particularly when I'm reviewing a day that had so many externals going wrong all around me, that I come to the end of the day and think, "Wow, I'm still sober, and I didn't have to be enslaved to my obsessions and compulsions today."
When I really stop to think about it, being sober today still amazes me. What used to be the "impossible" comes true each day, one day at a time. The feeling thar brings to me really is joy.
Often in meetings it's so easy to focus on what didn't go so well that week. But meetings really are amazing, and can be a place of real joy.
Besides our SA meetings, I have a different small group of men that I meet with every week. There's no other sexaholics in that group I know of. They know I'm recovering, but only two of them know any of the details. It's a great group of men, but it's not like my local SA group.
In my SA group, I can talk about my most painful memories and my worst shame. I know I'm safe there. I know there are others there who understand. I won't be judged or rejected. I need not hide anything. There is joy to be had in an SA meeting, if only I recognize the amazing things God is doing there in each of us and through our unity as well.
But I still think the joy that comes from experiencing being set free from the power of my lust tops the list. Sometimes I go for quite some time without thinking about what an amazing gift that really is. But there are lots of other times, particularly when I'm reviewing a day that had so many externals going wrong all around me, that I come to the end of the day and think, "Wow, I'm still sober, and I didn't have to be enslaved to my obsessions and compulsions today."
When I really stop to think about it, being sober today still amazes me. What used to be the "impossible" comes true each day, one day at a time. The feeling thar brings to me really is joy.
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