Dealing with Resentments

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Before I started working the SA program, I didn't know I was a very resentful person. The program Steps as directed by my sponsor ruined that delusion for me. 😆

I agree with the saying that "resentment is the poison I drink hoping the other person will die." That really is my experience with my resentment. It does nothing to harm the other person, but is certainly harms me! It is as much a part of my insanity as lust and sexual acting out ever were. And by comparison, I'm really slow to recognize resentment for what it is when compared to how quickly I can recognize lust showing up. 

My resentment responds to the same surrender process that my lust does. When I recognize what it is, I can surrender it. It becomes easier to surrender it when I have recognized "my part" in the resentment. Things like my selfishness, self-seeking, being inconsiderate, having unrealistic expectations. demandingness, making excuses for myself, holding others to my standards for them (and thus I make myself god), and other character defects all feed into my resentments. By doing an inventory on my resentment, I can see those things in me, and it helps me be willing to surrender the resentment to God when I recognize just how flawed I am, instead of keeping on looking at the other person. And then God can set me free from the burden of myself. 

And as I'm saying all of that, I also recognize and fully admit that there is definitely no "perfection" in my practice when it comes to surrendering resentment. But I am also reminded by our literature that "we claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection." Thank God that's true!

Step 12 - Carrying the message

 (The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

My Step 12 experience is that in order for me to continue to live in this new life I've been given as the result of having worked the Steps and having had a spiritual awakening, I am going to continue to grow by trying to carry the message of recovery to other sexaholics (and to practice the principles of our program in all my affairs). Through this program, God saved me out of the mire in the pit of addiction to lust and sexual acting out that I had jumped into. My feet are now on solid bedrock, and I can continue to "trudge the road of happy destiny" as I continue to follow God. That is the message I can carry to other sexaholics. And it is a message that I must carry, must give away, if I want to continue to grow along spiritual lines.

That message is really not about me. It's about what happened to me as I simply continued to surrender to God and follow the direction of a sponsor to work the program. It's not about me and what I did right, because what got me into SA in the first place was doing everything wrong. It's a story about being saved by Someone else. Someone else is the Hero in my story.

A drowning person doesn't get saved by a lifeguard and then goes out telling the story about how they saved themself (unless they are a liar). Surrender is to stop fighting the Lifeguard and do what he tells me to do. God says to me, "Trust me, don't struggle, relax, I got this, give up, let go, and let me."  Before recovery, I wanted to do it myself (pride). But it was "myself" that got me into this mess in the first place. It was my core self-centeredness. Carrying the message is not self-centered. That message is God-centered and must be freely given to others as it was freely given to me. 

"The Toughest Act in Town"

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Steps 1-3 brought me into the SA program (vs. just participating in meetings). Steps 4-9 under the guidance of a sponsor took me though the process of reconciling with my past and connecting rightly with God and others. Steps 10-12 keep me in right relationship with God and others and show me a path ahead to keep growing spiritually.

The Sexaholics Anonymous book introduces Steps 4-10 by titling them "The Toughest Act in Town". (p. 97)  Nobody is saying these Steps are not hard work! But I agree wholeheartedly that they are necessary for real growth to happen (vs. just working Steps 1-3 and just staying sober). "Sadly, many men and women with years of physical sobriety in Twelve Step programs never make the breakthrough into the heart of the program and true recovery. The biggest obstacle seems to be Steps Four through Ten—the core substance of the program." (SAWB p. 97)

Steps 4-9 provided me with some painful experiences, completely necessary pain if I was ever going to grow up and face reality. The thorough inventory work on my past (Step 4), confession of my wrongs to myself, God and my sponsor (Step 5), and facing my many character defects honestly enough to really want to be rid of them (Step 6), could not be called "happy days".  But finishing that process by taking it through to the direct amends to others in Step 9 meant that I really could "clear away the wreckage" of my past.

I no longer have to hide from myself and other. I know I can admit my wrongs to myself, God and others. I know that God loves me and will continue to do for me what I can't do for myself. I know that I have done (am doing) what I can to make things right with others. That "dreadful load of guilt" has dropped from my shoulders. I can "lift my head, look the world in the eye, and stand free." None of that could have happened without working Steps 4-9.

The God of my understanding

(The following is a post by one of our members.)

I used to have this belief that I could only be acceptable to God if I got myself all cleaned up before I could come to Him. In my sick thinking, I had to get to where I felt ashamed enough for what I had done and committed enough to being different in the future before I dared show up before God.

Of course as a growing sexaholic, that meant that "coming to God" got to be less and less often, since my ongoing and increasing lusting and sexual acting out meant I spent more and more time trying to clean myself up. Less connection with God meant that I spent more and more time trying to battle lust on my own. The vicious cycle became very well established. There was no getting off of this treadmill. I was stuck.

So my experience of God had to change. What I thought and believed about Him didn't work to get me sober and keep me sober. And since I was powerless over lust, I didn't have any other solution for my problem except for a God who "could and would" restore me to sanity.

These days the God of my understanding is best described in the story people refer to as the "prodigal son". Regardless of how I was the one who did the leaving, regardless of how much mess I made along the way of willfully running (ruining) my own life my own way, regardless of the filth and stink I've got hanging all over me as the consequences of my choices, the moment I turn to "go home to Dad", he's right there, picking me up and giving me a huge hug and ready to take care of the "cleaning up" Himself. The word "grace" comes to mind.

And it's to that kind of God that I can surrender my lust and my will and life.

Serenity

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Another member of our program was sharing about feeling a heaviness. That got me thinking about how heaviness contrasts with serenity. I definitely prefer serenity!

I've had plenty of years (decades) of heaviness before I found freedom in this program. Since I live with my wife, I have someone who observes me in as basic a state of being as I've got. And she tells me that she sees the difference in me that my years of sobriety and recovery have brought. I think sometimes I can't really see it myself, because it is happening to me "naturally" as I practice the principles of SA that I learned by working the Steps of the program with a sponsor's guidance.

Serenity is one of the things that has changed. Serenity is happening to me. The Serenity Prayer start out with "God, grant me the serenity...." It's not something I can conjure up in myself. It is a gift. It doesn't happen because all my circumstances just magically change. It happens while I am still in the midst of those circumstances. God grants it. The full Serenity Prayer talks about "accepting hardship as the pathway to peace", so circumstances may well be very difficult still. But serenity is still possible even then.

This reminds me that the whole point of this program is to bring me into a right relationship with God. Sobriety, recovery, serenity are all natural outcomes of a right relationship with God. It really is that simple for me. There really only is this one thing to focus on, and then everything else falls into place. And that includes accepting the things I can not change, having courage to change the things I can, and gaining the wisdom to know that difference. SA tells me that the Steps are the path to get there and that a sponsor can guide me. That's how it works.

God grant....

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

I find the first two words of the Serenity Prayer to be crucial for me to focus on and never forget: "God grant." It is another example of how God does for me what I can not do for myself. I am powerless; He has all power. It's also one of the early steps in learning some much needed humility, recognizing this isn't all about me, nor is my progress of my own doing.

In our local group we pray out loud together the Serenity Prayer and the other prayers from our literature such as the Third Step Prayer, the Seventh Step Prayer, and Eleventh Step Prayer. I appreciate how in each of these prayers I am reminded that my dependence is on God.

"...Thee to build with me and do with me...."
"Relieve me...."
"Take away my difficulties...."
"...you now remove...."
"Grant me...."
"Lord, make me...."
"Lord, grant...."

Every time I hear someone refer to the 12 Step program as a "self help" program, I wonder if they really have any idea what this program is all about. When I was "helping myself", I was acting out. For me, this is a "God grant" program, because if he doesn't grant it, I'm not going to have it.

Quit playing God

(The following is a post from one of our group members.)

The AA Big Book has this oft quoted statement: “First of all, we had to quit playing God.  It didn’t work.” That is so simply and so straightforward. It seems so obvious that the first time I read it, it put a smile on my face. Now if only I had done something about it the first time I read it!

No, it took me a seriously long time to finally get so demoralized that I "gave up, let go, and let God." I desperately wanted to play god. I was living in the delusion that I needed to be in control, and all I needed was a little help from God periodically when something got really tough, and then I'd go back to being in control again, thank you very much. God would be a handy extra boost when I needed him, but I was hoping to be the one running my own life.

That's been one of the unforeseen benefits of being a sexaholic. I've got this continuous, built-in reminder that I am not in control. I'm powerless over lust and my life had become unmanageable (Step 1). I needed a new Manager. I needed a real Power (Step 2). I needed a real God, because without God, I would be lost in my helplessness, beaten by lust and by my long list of character defects.

Working the Steps of the program was the beginning of real spiritual progress (not perfection) in stopping playing God. While working Steps 4, 5 and 6, my sponsor did a great job in showing me just how much I was making myself or other people my god. Turns out I did it all the time! But the program also gave me a new way of living, a way of living that allows me to continue to make progress in letting God be God. And one of the ways I remind myself every day that I am not God is to begin the day in prayer with the simple statement, "You are God, and I am not god."

Sleepless nights

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

I was remembering an incident a couple of nights ago when I could not get to sleep.  Eventually I got up and turned on the computer. I checked my email accounts, and spent some time writing a few responses and then some posts to an online recovery group. Eventually, feeling sufficiently tired, I headed off to bed.

My wife had been asleep through all of this. I ever so quietly opened the door and did everything I could not to wake her.

And at that moment a thought occurred to me.  I had done this same thing so many times before, this sneaking back to bed after having been on the computer in the middle of the night. But this time was different. This time was in recovery, because this time I was still sober.

When I was still trapped in my addiction, I would have been sneaking back into the room feeling oh so guilty and ashamed. I would have been doing everything I could so as not to wake her and have her wondering what I had been doing. My motivation would have been to hide and deceive, to not be caught.

But now it is all different. Now my motive is good. Now I am not thinking of myself at all. Now I am only thinking about her well-being, trying my best to not wake her so that at least she will have a good night's sleep.

For me, the joys of this program are in watching how God is changing me as I surrender to His will for me, surrender my selfishness and resentment and a lot of other character defects, and ask Him to change me.  Working the Steps with a sponsor taught me how to start doing that.

"It works if you work it."

Pain is good

(This is a personal post by one of our members.)

Some other people's sharing got me thinking about my own weakness. I certainly am weak. All I have to do is look at the power that lust has over me, and I know I'm weak. That's the obvious one.

I'm glad it became obvious. That's why I finally "got" Step One. It was like being hit over the head by a big stick until the pain brought about enough realization that I was not only weak, but completely powerless. And I'm very OK with that today.

I think that the natural and spiritual consequences that exist in this world eventually catch up with at least some of us, and we finally "get it". That's been true of me. My own experience with God leads me to believe that it is gracious of him to withhold any special protection for me when I'm rebelling against him and harming others. I don't experience it as God particularly causing the specific painful consequence, but as him allowing what naturally follows to happen without intervening to protect me from it. How else am I ever going to know that something has gone terribly wrong, that I'm not living as I should? Pain is good.

In the same way as it doesn't do children any good to have their parents spoil them by making sure they never experience any pain (physical or otherwise) and always get what they want, it wouldn't do me any good to have a God who made sure I never experienced the consequences of my attitudes and actions.

But the amazing thing about God is that he's capable of redeeming anything that has happened in my life. Not that the consequences are gone and everything is completely fixed, but that he can use those things to bring about growth in me and even to help others as I surrender all of that to him and let him direct my life for me.

Slipping

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Some time ago I was talking with my wife about some things I was experiencing while working the program. Based on my prior experiences with slipping (aka relapsing), I knew I was in no position to try to fool myself or anyone else (her included) and make a claim to "never go back out there."

Instead I simply said, "I'm only ever one bad choice away from a relapse." And it doesn't even have to be a big choice or an obvious choice. One subtle, little choice, and I can be on the road to a relapse. And because I'm a sexaholic, that choice will be an "easy" one to make. That's been my past experience many, many times, and I don't doubt it can happen again.

I'm told by the old-timers that all I have is a "daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition." Here it is in context:

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for [lust] is a subtle foe. We are not cured of [sexaholism]. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." (AABB, p. 85)

So what really matters in the end is my "spiritual condition." I've got to continue to ask myself, "Am I currently in right relationship with God and others?" (cf. Step 10)  "Am I growing spiritually in conscious connection with God?" (cf. Step 11)  "Am I trying to help others and sharing about who I really am and the story of what God is doing to change me in all areas of my life?" (cf. Step 12)

But without working the first nine Steps of the program with a sponsor, there wasn't any way I was going to know what the last three even meant, let alone do them.

I sincerely believe that if I am in continual right connection with a "loving God" that "could and would if He were sought,"  relapse simply won't happen. But if I walk away from that connection and start to once again "rest on my laurels" and believe I can do this on my own, then that "one bad choice" has already happened, and I'm on my way to that relapse, because I'm on my own.

The God of my understanding

(This is a personal story from one of our members.)

One of the challenges both for me prior to starting to work the Steps of the SA program and while working Steps 1, 2 & 3 was my concept of God. I had been quite sure of what I believed about God, and, being as arrogant as I was, quite sure I was right. But the challenge came in that what I believed obviously didn't work. If it did work, then what was I still doing with this absolutely insane addiction? How could I go on "sinning" again and again if I really wanted to stop, but I couldn't? What did it say about me and my surety of who and what God was if I was still acting out in my addiction? If I and all of the other people who shared my beliefs about God were also entirely right in what we believed, then why was I trapped, in bondage, and had found no escape in the practice of my supposed faith in God? I wanted to be free. I begged to be set free. I hated who I was, and the God of my understanding apparently did nothing to change that.

If nothing was wrong with my understanding of God, then why was I showing up at SA looking for something more? Something was terribly wrong, or I wouldn't be here.

Today, things are very different. God "as I understand Him" is still very similar to the God I previously "believed in." But there are some significant differences.

One of the significant changes is that I no longer am in the practice of talking about some "hypothetical faith" that clearly doesn't really work, because it hasn't kept me sober, joyous, and free. No, instead I talk about "a faith that works." I know it works, because it works for me every day.  And I continue to learn that God is so much more than I ever imagined he would be. And that of course makes sense to me now that I have accepted that God is God and I am not, and that he is free to be what he is regardless of what I thought I knew about him.

Daily reminders

(The following is a personal story from one of our members.)

I'm reminded every day that I am a lust addict. It starts in the morning as I take time to connect with God at the beginning of the day and I remind myself as a habit when I pray that I am an addict. It continues during the day when some random temptation or trigger comes my way and reminds me that I am a lust addict. It also reminds me that I can connect with God in the midst of that trigger or temptation and make good use of what used to drive me to fear and panic. It now drives me to God. And that's a good thing. So it's good to be a recovering addict. I've grown and changed in ways that I don't think I could have if I wasn't an addict.

I used to desperately want to be rid of my addiction. I wanted the addiction gone and to never return. I wanted to be an "ex-addict" for whom sexual temptation no longer held any attraction. I wanted to be rid of "the addict", to cut that part of me out and get rid of it once and for all. I wanted an instant and permanent cure so that I could just be a "normal guy."

I wanted so many things, including wanting my will regarding my addiction to be done.  I told God what I wanted, and when He didn't deliver, I began doubting Him.

But God apparently knew better. He offered a different solution. In this solution, I still am a lust addict. Temptations and triggers are still real. I sometimes have what seems like the most random memories or thoughts pop into my head. (Apparently my brain still holds all those memories and thoughts somewhere.) In the real world there are real temptations for me to face.

But I do not have to live in fear of any of that. I have "a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition."  By working the program of the 12 Steps under the direction of a sponsor, I have become rightly connected with God, the Power greater than myself, who can and will keep me sober as I surrender my will and life and temptations and triggers to Him.

So I have embraced being a lust addict instead of continuing to fight it. It is not a separate part of me that I can be rid of. It is who I am. I am a sexaholic, and I am living free from the power of lust one day at a time because God keeps me sober.