Sponsorship and thinking I know better

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

When I first started going to SA meetings, I heard that I should get a sponsor. So I did, more than one. Long story short, sponsorship didn't work for me.

They typically didn't tell me things I wanted to hear when I asked them questions. They had suggestions and directions that I didn't think I needed to hear or do. I thought I was smart enough to figure out how to work the program myself. I "knew" what I needed better than they did, because I knew myself better than they did, or so I thought

Long story short, I didn't find lasting sobriety and real recovery. My ideas, plans, understanding, and efforts didn't work. My chronic relapsing was the proof that I actually didn't know what I thought I did, and I couldn't get sober and stay sober and find freedom my own. My brilliance wasn't working.

What changed? I became desperate enough through my failures to become humble just enough to ask for help and finally give up and do what I was told. I had the change of attitude our literature talks about forced on me. That didn't happen because I somehow made myself better and stronger so that I could somehow make this happen. No, I became weaker and more helpless to the point I was finally willing to admit I had been thoroughly beaten with no other hope than to ask for help and do what I was told. I was desperate and defeated, not hopeful and victorious. I finally gave up my way and surrendered to someone else's.

"In summary, for us surrender is the change in attitude of the inner person that makes life possible. It is the great beginning, the insignia and watchword of our program. And no amount of knowledge about surrender can make it a fact until we simply give up, let go, and let God. When we surrender our 'freedom,' we become truly free." (SAWB p.81)

That's what happened, and yes, it's what I needed to have happen. Good thing someone was still willing to sponsor me, and good thing "God could and would if he were sought."

Quit playing God

(The following is a post from one of our group members.)

The AA Big Book has this oft quoted statement: “First of all, we had to quit playing God.  It didn’t work.” That is so simply and so straightforward. It seems so obvious that the first time I read it, it put a smile on my face. Now if only I had done something about it the first time I read it!

No, it took me a seriously long time to finally get so demoralized that I "gave up, let go, and let God." I desperately wanted to play god. I was living in the delusion that I needed to be in control, and all I needed was a little help from God periodically when something got really tough, and then I'd go back to being in control again, thank you very much. God would be a handy extra boost when I needed him, but I was hoping to be the one running my own life.

That's been one of the unforeseen benefits of being a sexaholic. I've got this continuous, built-in reminder that I am not in control. I'm powerless over lust and my life had become unmanageable (Step 1). I needed a new Manager. I needed a real Power (Step 2). I needed a real God, because without God, I would be lost in my helplessness, beaten by lust and by my long list of character defects.

Working the Steps of the program was the beginning of real spiritual progress (not perfection) in stopping playing God. While working Steps 4, 5 and 6, my sponsor did a great job in showing me just how much I was making myself or other people my god. Turns out I did it all the time! But the program also gave me a new way of living, a way of living that allows me to continue to make progress in letting God be God. And one of the ways I remind myself every day that I am not God is to begin the day in prayer with the simple statement, "You are God, and I am not god."

Being ready for the 12 Steps

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

On pages 206-207 in the SA book there is a lengthy quote from the AA book appropriately titled "From Chapter Five Of Alcoholics Anonymous". It ends with a listing of the 12 Steps. But in introducing the reader to those Steps, the book first says this:

"Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. 

"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."

There is an important "if..., then" statement in that first paragraph that jumps out at me every time I read it. "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps." (emph. mine)

For me, there was no positive virtue within myself that brought me to the point that I really wanted what the sober sexaholics had and was ready to go to any length to get it. I reached that conclusion because constantly living in the lie of my lust and sexual acting out had become too painful for me to bear. I had reached the tipping point where the lust drug was causing more pain than pleasure. I wanted out of the mess I had made, but I had clearly proven that I could not do it on my own, or do it my own way. I could not stand being me anymore.

I needed what someone else had. I needed freedom, but I couldn't break free. What I wanted was what my sponsor and other recovering sexaholics had, and I was finally willing to go to any length to get it. I was finally ready to trust a sponsor and take those 12 Steps just as he had. I let go of my old ideas, and as fearlessly and thoroughly as I could, I worked those "certain steps." And by doing that I was brought into a right relationship with God who can and who will keep me sober.

Resisting the inevitable

(This post is a personal story from one of our group members.)

A fellow SA member shared with me about his attempts to resist his acting out behaviors. I could really relate to that feeling that I would only be able to resist for just so long, and then inevitably would act out again. We both had that experience over and over again. I think that's part of how I know I'm an addict. I could not resist even when I wanted to.

But, thank God, it didn't have to stay that way. Surrendering to God instead of resisting by my own effort was the key to staying sober without the inevitable build up and failure. There was a way to find freedom, and working the Steps with a sponsor was the way I learned what surrender really meant. And the Steps brought me into a right relationship with God and others.

There really is hope in this program, but it only seemed to happen for me when I was really ready to give up my own way of living and turn my will over to God.

Pain is good

(This is a personal post by one of our members.)

Some other people's sharing got me thinking about my own weakness. I certainly am weak. All I have to do is look at the power that lust has over me, and I know I'm weak. That's the obvious one.

I'm glad it became obvious. That's why I finally "got" Step One. It was like being hit over the head by a big stick until the pain brought about enough realization that I was not only weak, but completely powerless. And I'm very OK with that today.

I think that the natural and spiritual consequences that exist in this world eventually catch up with at least some of us, and we finally "get it". That's been true of me. My own experience with God leads me to believe that it is gracious of him to withhold any special protection for me when I'm rebelling against him and harming others. I don't experience it as God particularly causing the specific painful consequence, but as him allowing what naturally follows to happen without intervening to protect me from it. How else am I ever going to know that something has gone terribly wrong, that I'm not living as I should? Pain is good.

In the same way as it doesn't do children any good to have their parents spoil them by making sure they never experience any pain (physical or otherwise) and always get what they want, it wouldn't do me any good to have a God who made sure I never experienced the consequences of my attitudes and actions.

But the amazing thing about God is that he's capable of redeeming anything that has happened in my life. Not that the consequences are gone and everything is completely fixed, but that he can use those things to bring about growth in me and even to help others as I surrender all of that to him and let him direct my life for me.

Taken by Step One

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

SA's Step One: "We admitted that we were powerless over lust -- that our lives had become unmanageable."

On page 87 of the Sexaholic Anonymous "White Book" it goes on to says this:

This is why "telling all" is not taking the First Step. Such confession can be anything from boastful replay to anguished dumping or intellectual analysis. And even then, it's not really "all" and often is only surface material. In truth, we don't "take" the First Step; it takes us. It overtakes us. And if it hasn't yet, hopefully it will. The sickness and punishment sexaholism produces inside us keep pounding us until we're ready to give up, let go, and know we are powerless over lust.

The first time I made an effort to work Step One was probably back in 1989. I had a look at some material about how to do it, asked a few questions, and then proceeded to try to do it my way by writing out a "Step One Inventory". I polished it up, and with quite a few months of sobriety already (it might have been a whole year), I shared what I had written in our local meeting. I can look back and see that person and remember the pride with which I shared that inventory, basking in the attention of the group, receiving the "good job" congratulations after the meeting ended.

But regardless of how well I had followed the formula to prepare and share, I had not yet taken the First Step. And it should come as no surprise that I had many more years of relapses and acting out ahead of me before I would finally have a true Step One experience. As with everything else in this program, it's an inside job and it all starts with proper attitude that will then lead to proper action. Step One happens in the heart.

When I returned to SA more than six years ago, I was a very different man. I had been beaten. I had been humiliated (but not yet humble). I had already been to the point of despair. I had several months of tenuous sobriety when I finally became just humble enough to ask for someone to sponsor me. I knew that my ongoing sobriety and true recovery depended on working the Steps the way that had worked for some other SA who was sober and in recovery. I knew I needed help, and I needed to stop relying on myself, because I was powerless over lvst and my life had become unmanageable. I knew I had to take direction and do what I was told was good for me whether I understood it or not.

So six years ago when I started with my sponsor, in all honesty it didn't really matter what he suggested I do to work Step One. My Step One experience was already done. Rather than me doing anything, it had happened to me. The admission was already complete. I had been taken.

The drug is lust

(This is a personal story from one of our members.)

For me as a sexaholic, the drug is sexual lust. Sexual acting out simply follows. I've had recovering alcoholics share with me that as a sexaholic, they have come to realize that "the drug is in my brain". I agree; the drug is in my brain, because the drug is sexual lust.

But the early AAs also told me (in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book) that in the end there likely comes a time when the alcoholic had to learn to rely on exactly the same solution that I must, or neither of us is going to stay sober.

"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (AABB p. 43)

I can't simply avoid my drug; it's in my brain. If I'm lusting, I'm high on my drug. I need a Power greater than myself, and I need that Power to do for me what I can't do for myself. I must have a Power that will accept and can take care of the lust that I willingly surrender to Him (stop struggling with it and hand it over).

The awesome thing is that working the Steps under the guidance of a sponsor resulted in a significant enough spiritual awakening that connected me rightly with that Power, a loving God. So I know where to go when I have "no mental defense" against the drug in my brain, which actually for me means every time. And so instead of ever trying to face that drug alone, I just always go to God with it no matter how "trivial" it may initially appear to be. And in doing so, I continue to connect with Him in prayer, sometimes many, many times throughout the day, turning temptation into opportunity for a conscious connection with God.

So what is "surrender"?

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

I talk a lot about surrender when I share my story with others, so I am often asked what surrender means to me. I really like this definition for surrender I found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary a few years ago:

"Surrender: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed. : to give the control or use of (something) to someone else."

In my experience, that is probably as accurate as it can be defined for this sexaholic!

First, I had to agree with God to stop fighting, hiding and resisting because I finally knew in the core of my being that I could not win or succeed (Step One).

• I stopped fighting lust. I stopped fighting being a sexaholic. I stopped fighting God.
• I stopped hiding the truth about what I was (a sexaholic) and what I had done (my wrongs/sins) from myself. I stopped hiding that from God (or should I say, "trying to hide that" from God). I stopped hiding from my fellow sexaholics, and particularly from my sponsor, the true nature of what I was and what I had done.
• I stopped resisting lust. I stopped resisting temptations and triggers (surrendering them instead). I stopped resisting God and his will for my actions and life.

Then I gave control of myself to God.

• I gave control over my lusting to God. I gave control over my sexual acting out to God. I gave the control of my will and life to God for his use.  

And because I am a sexaholic, that meant that I agreed to work the 12 Steps of the SA program as my sponsor directed me to do so. I gave up my supposed freedom so that I could become truly free from the bondage of lust and sexual acting out.

As the SA book says it on page 81:

"In summary, for us surrender is the change in attitude of the inner person that makes life possible. It is the great beginning, the insignia and watchword of our program. And no amount of knowledge about surrender can make it a fact until we simply give up, let go, and let God. When we surrender our 'freedom,' we become truly free."

Just One Bad Choice - A Personal Story

(The following is a personal story from one of our members.)

I always remember that I am just one bad choice away from acting out again sexually. But that's an OK place for me to be at this point in my life. And that's because my choice is actually not what I previously thought it was.

I used to think that I could choose to not lust or act out. But I lost the ability to make that choice somewhere on my way to becoming a sexaholic. Since I am a sexaholic, I am powerless to fight lust and sexual acting out. And since I am a sexaholic, I can't be strong when it comes to lust and sexual acting out. I am weaker than lust; it beats me every time.

But what I do still seem to have the "strength" to do is to just give up and surrender. In my powerlessness, I just ask God to accept the lust that is starting to form in my mind as I let go of it and surrender it to Him. I then go and do the next right thing, or to ask God what His will is for me and then go and do that.

I used to try to fight the battle against lust in my own strength.  But when I failed at that enough times to finally give up trying to fight and trying be strong, then I was finally ready for the SA solution: surrender (including surrendering to work the 12 Steps as directed by my sponsor).

So my potential "one bad choice" would be to choose to try to fight lust instead of surrendering lust to God and surrendering myself to His will. As long as I'm surrendered to Him, I really don't have anything to worry about, because I will stay sober.

As the AA literature reminds me, "God could and would if He were sought."