Taken by Step One

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

SA's Step One: "We admitted that we were powerless over lust -- that our lives had become unmanageable."

On page 87 of the Sexaholic Anonymous "White Book" it goes on to says this:

This is why "telling all" is not taking the First Step. Such confession can be anything from boastful replay to anguished dumping or intellectual analysis. And even then, it's not really "all" and often is only surface material. In truth, we don't "take" the First Step; it takes us. It overtakes us. And if it hasn't yet, hopefully it will. The sickness and punishment sexaholism produces inside us keep pounding us until we're ready to give up, let go, and know we are powerless over lust.

The first time I made an effort to work Step One was probably back in 1989. I had a look at some material about how to do it, asked a few questions, and then proceeded to try to do it my way by writing out a "Step One Inventory". I polished it up, and with quite a few months of sobriety already (it might have been a whole year), I shared what I had written in our local meeting. I can look back and see that person and remember the pride with which I shared that inventory, basking in the attention of the group, receiving the "good job" congratulations after the meeting ended.

But regardless of how well I had followed the formula to prepare and share, I had not yet taken the First Step. And it should come as no surprise that I had many more years of relapses and acting out ahead of me before I would finally have a true Step One experience. As with everything else in this program, it's an inside job and it all starts with proper attitude that will then lead to proper action. Step One happens in the heart.

When I returned to SA more than six years ago, I was a very different man. I had been beaten. I had been humiliated (but not yet humble). I had already been to the point of despair. I had several months of tenuous sobriety when I finally became just humble enough to ask for someone to sponsor me. I knew that my ongoing sobriety and true recovery depended on working the Steps the way that had worked for some other SA who was sober and in recovery. I knew I needed help, and I needed to stop relying on myself, because I was powerless over lvst and my life had become unmanageable. I knew I had to take direction and do what I was told was good for me whether I understood it or not.

So six years ago when I started with my sponsor, in all honesty it didn't really matter what he suggested I do to work Step One. My Step One experience was already done. Rather than me doing anything, it had happened to me. The admission was already complete. I had been taken.

The drug is lust

(This is a personal story from one of our members.)

For me as a sexaholic, the drug is sexual lust. Sexual acting out simply follows. I've had recovering alcoholics share with me that as a sexaholic, they have come to realize that "the drug is in my brain". I agree; the drug is in my brain, because the drug is sexual lust.

But the early AAs also told me (in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book) that in the end there likely comes a time when the alcoholic had to learn to rely on exactly the same solution that I must, or neither of us is going to stay sober.

"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (AABB p. 43)

I can't simply avoid my drug; it's in my brain. If I'm lusting, I'm high on my drug. I need a Power greater than myself, and I need that Power to do for me what I can't do for myself. I must have a Power that will accept and can take care of the lust that I willingly surrender to Him (stop struggling with it and hand it over).

The awesome thing is that working the Steps under the guidance of a sponsor resulted in a significant enough spiritual awakening that connected me rightly with that Power, a loving God. So I know where to go when I have "no mental defense" against the drug in my brain, which actually for me means every time. And so instead of ever trying to face that drug alone, I just always go to God with it no matter how "trivial" it may initially appear to be. And in doing so, I continue to connect with Him in prayer, sometimes many, many times throughout the day, turning temptation into opportunity for a conscious connection with God.