The Solution

 (The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Recently our local group read "The Solution" on pages 204-205 in the Sexaholics Anonymous book. Those two pages are a great summary of the process of working the 12 Steps.

I noticed that the first sentence starts with "We saw that our problem...." Yes, we certainly have a problem, a seemingly impossible problem, a problem of being powerless over lust with no way to escape. That was my problem, and my problem brought me to SA.

Fortunately it doesn't stop there, mired in the problem forever. As we read on, my mind drifted to a short paragraph in the first section of the SA book titled "To the Newcomer". Here is that paragraph from page 2: 

"We have a solution. We don't claim that it's for everybody, but for us, it works. If you identify with us and think you may share our problem, we'd like to share our solution with you."

I am so grateful that the SA solution was available to me when I was completely demoralized and without hope of ever being free of my slavery to lust and sexual acting out. As one of our members likes to summarize it, the SA program is to work the 12 Steps as directed by a sponsor within the fellowship of the group. And that worked for me, thank God!

The final paragraph in "The Solution" summary section shows me what we can look forward to when we've have had the promised "spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps" mentioned in Step 12.

"We began practicing a positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real Connection. We were home."

It feels great to be at home, living in a right connection with God and others. Yes, I did have to walk the Steps to get there, and those Steps were hard work and sometimes painful to take. But it certainly was worth it to find freedom by surrendering to God. 

Substitution was no solution

 (The following is a post from one of our group members.)

The first time it occurred to me to substitute some other form of sex to satisfy my lust was when I was approaching marriage. I was already getting sick of all of the porn and sex with self. I hated that I had begun feeling like I was out of control, powerless and in bondage to sex and porn. I figured that if I was having sex with this "real" person (that I was also lusting after), that would certainly satisfy me, and I would be free from looking elsewhere. 

That didn't work. 

It didn't matter what my wife did or didn't do, she was no match for my lust. Lust was insatiable. Lust was the fantasy world as shown to me in the magazines and on the screen and conjured up in my own twisted mind. That was the un-real, as our literature reminds me, and it could not be real no matter how much I wanted it and tried to make it happen. 

I was left with two realistic options: continue to surrender to the overwhelming power of lust, or begin to be freed from lust by surrendering to a Power greater than me and my lust. Yes, I had tried a third option, but now I can see that was never a realistic possibility. I tried to struggle against lust and become powerful enough to win that fight. That was nothing more than continued insanity. 

So after many years of bondage and pain, I finally surrendered to God, got a sponsor, and followed his instructions on how to work all the way through the 12 Steps. And that connected me with God, the Power that could and would free me from my slavery to lust. I had to find what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. I had to find a loving God.

Practicing a positive sobriety

 (The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

"The Solution" is a common reading at many local SA groups (SAWB p. 61-62). I really like how the SA program is summed up so well in just two pages. (Of course the book then goes on to walk us through the 12 Steps of the program in the following 93 pages, all worthy of being read and reread many times over.)

We began practicing a positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real Connection. We were home.

When I first started in the SA program, I was pretty much focused in on myself. In a number of ways, that was what I needed to do. Much of what I was doing was reacting to lust and temptation and doing inventory work on the "wreckage of my past",  I couldn't "give away what I didn't have", and true love for others was not something that I had to give. 

But then again, I could choose to "take the actions of love" regardless of whether or not my motive was right or whether or not I really meant it or whether or not I was having a very negative emotion at the moment. All of those things were just excuses I gave myself for not being a loving person. But choosing to act in what I know would be for the best benefit of the other person, that is something I can do regardless of what else is going on inside of me. 

One tiny example of "taking the actions" for me is when I wash the dishes. My hatred of washing dishes started when I was a teenager both in my parents home and in my first real paying job as a dishwasher in a diner. From that point on, it didn't matter where or when, I did not ever want to wash dishes or help with dish cleanup. And then a "miraculous" thing happened; I developed an allergic reaction to dish soap. ;-)  I now have the perfect excuse for never washing dishes again! 

But the dishes need to be washed, and there are ways to deal with my skin problems. So instead of making excuses for not doing what I don't want to do, I use that as an opportunity to show love to my spouse. I take the action of love, and sometimes even with the right motive, because I now do have something I can give away. And that came as I worked through the Steps under the direction of a sponsor and found that God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. And for that I am grateful.

An Easy Burden

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

There was a difference between what I thought I had to do and what I ended up doing to find sobriety, recovery, and freedom.

What I thought I had to do was to find a few key ideas that I could implement in my life to take care of this one problem that I had of sexual acting out. What I actually had to do was to give my life to God (surrender it) and allow him to change whatever he wanted to about it. That process is still ongoing and progressive.

I started out wanting to maintain my position as the lord of my own life, but I perceived that I had this one glaring problem, my sexual acting out, and to that I was seemed to be a slave. I wanted to become strong enough to master my own impulses, to be able to fight a battle and win it myself, to be able to lust without consequence.

What I had to do was to admit defeat, admit that I could never become strong enough to master myself. I had to find a true Lord of my life who was Master over all, a Power that could and would do for me what I could not do for myself. The program of the 12 Steps gave me a path to follow to connect rightly with that Lord and Master, to be open to the work of his Power in me to do the impossible in me.

What I had wanted was a few simple actions I could take that required no serious commitment on my part to real change. I feared real change, because I perceived it would require me to give up things I didn't want to let go of and to do other things I really didn't want to do. (About that I was correct.)  The program people said, "We beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start."  When someone starts with that as the intro, you might want to pay attention to what comes next!

What changed for me that finally pushed me off the top, that finally broke me and my will, that finally made the idea of Someone else running my life look truly appealing? For me it was the internal, spiritual pain of loneliness and self-loathing, the demoralization that the program people talk about. It was the recognition that I was completely in bondage to lust with no way out in my own strength.

It turned out to be a sweet defeat. That's where I found God waiting for me.

The path to defeat was easy. All I had to do was to run my own life, my way, do whatever I thought was right and best for me, and follow after the pleasures of lust. Easy; anyone can do that! But the consequences were devastating.

The path to recovery turned out to be far easier than I had feared it would be. Yes, it was hard work to be "fearless and thorough" from the very start. Yes, there were times of painful recognition of who I had become and what I had done. Yes, there was the admission of wrongs and the humbling of making amends. Yes, "clearing away the wreckage" of my past took effort. Yes, I no longer had an "easy" drug to temporarily dull the pain that reality brought to me when I stopped living in the illusion. But it has been far, far easier to live life this way than the constant pain and fear and harm that my old way of life was loading me down with, a burden I could never bear.

Through following the SA road to recovery, Someone lifted that unbearable burden from me. His "burden" of living rightly connected to God and others is light. I am never sufficiently grateful.

The delusion that I can fight

(The following is a post from one of our group members.)

When I started in SA, I was still talking about the struggle and fight against lust. That made all the sense in the world to me at that time. I figured if I didn't struggle against lust and the desires, obsessions, and compulsions, there's no way I could ever stop my acting out. I was wrong.

Step One tells me that I have to admit powerlessness over lust. But my ongoing struggle against lust meant that I still believed that I had some power over lust. So I had never even gotten through Step One! My actions, my effort to fight lust, proved I had not yet admitted my powerlessness over lust.

SA actually offers a completely different solution. It never suggests fighting against lust. It would be a contradiction if it did so. The problem isn't what the SA program is telling me to do. The problem is me and what I am trying to do. I've not understood. I've got it wrong. I've done it wrong. I don't have the power to do it right. But God does.

The SA solution is to surrender to God, the One who has all power. Surrender is not fighting or struggling. When I surrender, I "simply give up, let go, and let God" (SAWB p. 81).  The 12 Steps are the path to get rightly connected with God, and those Steps do work if I work them. God can and will do for me what I cannot do for myself. But I had to stop fighting both lust and God in order to be set free from the tyranny of lust by living surrendered to God.

The Maze of Addiction

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Being an addict can feel like you are in a maze. And trying to start recovery can feel the same way, especially when you think you are headed in the right direction, but something's still wrong. The Sexaholics Anonymous book puts it this way:

All this was scary. We couldn't see the path ahead, except that others had gone that way before. Each new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took it. And instead of killing us, surrender was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way of life. (p. 61)

When I started out in the SA program, it was like I was in the middle of a maze of really high bushes. I first started in SA by going to local face-to-face meetings. I didn't have a clue about what eventually was going to be needed to get out of the maze I had lost myself in. I needed help, because I "couldn't see the path ahead." That I thought I could see the path clearly enough to take it on my own was part of the insanity that kept me from taking the Steps in the right direction right from the beginning. So I wandered around in that maze, mostly taking one or two steps in some direction that looked good to me, but then returning to my starting point having made no real progress for all my effort.

There were people in the meetings who clearly had gotten out of the maze. They were at peace. They seemed to be somewhere above the maze, able to look down at it from some other vantage point, able to describe the path out that they had taken.

I wanted to be where they were, but I also wanted to find my own way out of the maze, to "self-help" my own path out. For me that mostly meant shuffling around a bit with the first Step or two of the program, doing little more than kicking up a little dust. I definitely wasn't ready or willing to take each Step in the same way that those others who had gone before me had taken them.

When I finally got sick enough of myself, I was ready to become just humble enough to take the Steps out of the maze as someone else suggested I take them. That "someone" was what our program calls a sponsor. And the Steps he led me through brought me into a right and growing relationship with God, the one Power that could and would keep me sober and restore me to sanity, one day at a time.

SA has a solution. We admit it's not for everyone, but it does work. It is summarized and introduced in the section from which I copied that one paragraph above. That section is called "The Solution", introduced on pages 61-62 of the SA book. As good as reading about it is, what really works is taking the 12 Steps under the direction of a sponsor and having a "spiritual awakening" to God, which really is the whole point of the program, even if I didn't understand that from the beginning, and even if I didn't believe it from the beginning.

"The Toughest Act in Town"

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Steps 1-3 brought me into the SA program (vs. just participating in meetings). Steps 4-9 under the guidance of a sponsor took me though the process of reconciling with my past and connecting rightly with God and others. Steps 10-12 keep me in right relationship with God and others and show me a path ahead to keep growing spiritually.

The Sexaholics Anonymous book introduces Steps 4-10 by titling them "The Toughest Act in Town". (p. 97)  Nobody is saying these Steps are not hard work! But I agree wholeheartedly that they are necessary for real growth to happen (vs. just working Steps 1-3 and just staying sober). "Sadly, many men and women with years of physical sobriety in Twelve Step programs never make the breakthrough into the heart of the program and true recovery. The biggest obstacle seems to be Steps Four through Ten—the core substance of the program." (SAWB p. 97)

Steps 4-9 provided me with some painful experiences, completely necessary pain if I was ever going to grow up and face reality. The thorough inventory work on my past (Step 4), confession of my wrongs to myself, God and my sponsor (Step 5), and facing my many character defects honestly enough to really want to be rid of them (Step 6), could not be called "happy days".  But finishing that process by taking it through to the direct amends to others in Step 9 meant that I really could "clear away the wreckage" of my past.

I no longer have to hide from myself and other. I know I can admit my wrongs to myself, God and others. I know that God loves me and will continue to do for me what I can't do for myself. I know that I have done (am doing) what I can to make things right with others. That "dreadful load of guilt" has dropped from my shoulders. I can "lift my head, look the world in the eye, and stand free." None of that could have happened without working Steps 4-9.

A Simple Program

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

My sponsor likes to say this about the SA program: "It's a simple program for complicated people." I really like that, especially because it is very true.

I spent a lot of time "in SA" but not working the Steps under the direction of a sponsor. I wanted to work them my way. I didn't stay sober. I wasn't happy, joyous, and free from the bondage of my addiction.

Everything changed when I had been thoroughly defeated by the addiction, and I had no other option but to give up and do what the sober members had done: work the 12 Steps under the direction of a sponsor.

Yes, it is God who keeps me sober. But working the Steps as my sponsor directed me to do them brought me to a right relationship with that God. And I can now say that I am happy, joyous and free!

Even though it is a simple program, it does work, if you work it.

It works if you work it!

(The following is a post from one of our members.)

As they say at the close of a whole lot of SA meetings: "It works if you work it!" And then at some they add, "It won't if you don't!"

Yep, my story too. I spent a lot of years working "my program". My program wasn't the SA/AA program of the whole 12 Steps, and I certainly wasn't "fearless and thorough from the very start." (AABB Chapter 5)

Turns out that the SA program is simply the 12 Steps. The AA book makes it so simply clear when it says, "Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery," and then promptly list the 12 Steps.

So I finally admitted defeat and worked the 12 Steps as my sponsor told me to work them. And by the time I had gotten to Step 12, I had had what the SAWB talks about as a result of working the first eleven Steps.

"If a person is experiencing the reality of Steps One through Eleven, he or she is manifesting the truth of that new life."
"Staying sober is our initial objective; a spiritual awakening is the unintended result. If our experience tells us anything, it is that there is no healing without such an awakening. And the difference between merely not acting out our addiction (being "dry") and healing is the new life. If we want the old life intact, simply minus the habit, we don't really want healing, for our sickness is the old way of life." (SAWB p. 143)

At this time in my working of the Steps, I'm continuing to work Steps 10-12. Some people refer to these Steps as the maintenance Steps. You just never stop working them, since they become a new way of life for someone in recovery.

My Step 12 action last night was to meet with a new member who has asked me to sponsor him. We worked on Step One together. Then before going to bed, there was time for meditation through literature reading, and this morning there was more time for reading literature and prayer (Step 11), before my breakfast meeting with my spiritual growth partner. The ongoing program is still about working the 12 Steps, "to practice these principles in all our affairs." This is "that new life."

It works if you work it! It really does.

The real problem

(the following is a post from one of our group members)

Lust was my "drug of choice". I used it as the solution to all my problems. But then lust became a problem instead of a solution. And then I couldn't stop lusting, even when I wanted to.

I used to think that my sexual acting out behaviors were my real problem, but they weren't. Those resulted from my lusting, and when I'm not lusting, the acting out behavior simply doesn't happen. And actually lust also isn't my real problem. Trying not to lust didn't solve my real problem, and attempting to fight lust proved to be impossible anyway.

But what was possible was to work through the 12 Steps of the SA program under the direction of a sponsor. And when I did that as my sponsor suggested I do it, I began to make the right connection with God through surrender to him, and I finally had a real solution too my real problem. My real problem was actually my misconnection with God and others.

How I got started on real recovery was to get a sponsor and follow his instructions. Up until I was willing to do that, "sobriety" was only temporary at best.

The program works, IF you work it!

Does SA really work?

(the following is a post from one of our group members)

Does SA really work? The clear answer from my own life is yes. I know it works, because it has worked for me.

But does it work for everyone? The more nuanced answer is no. Our own literature makes it clear that SA is not for everyone. And as I read the SA literature, there are quite a number of "ifs" in there that make it very clear that there are plenty of reasons why it won't work for some people. "If" they won't work the program as it was designed, "if" they won't surrender to God, then I certainly don't expect "SA" to work for them.

It didn't work for me for a lot of years. But if I'm honest about that, that was really because I refused to work the SA program as it was designed to be worked. I was prideful, and I refused to turn my will and life over to the care of God. And without God, I had no hope in fighting and battling against the power of lust. But when I finally surrendered to God and worked the program as my sponsor told me to do it, I found freedom from the obsessions and compulsions. It worked!

And as the classic line we repeat at every meeting reminds me, "It works if you work it!"

Freedom is possible

(This is a personal post from one of our group members.)

I recently returned from a business trip to a large Asian city. I found the contrast between my previous days prior to working the Steps with a sponsor and being in recovery and what is happening today to be quite striking. I love the freedom that God has given me from the obsessions and compulsions, and that was in evidence during this trip.

For me, surrendering lust and the ongoing work of the program's "maintenance Steps" means that acting out simply isn't going to happen. It's not that I have confidence in myself, it's that I have confidence in God. God has proven himself faithful to take care of whatever I surrender to him.

Certainly I wasn't in control of many things while on this trip. The "exotic" nature of this city was obvious everywhere. Yes, vendors literally shoved pornographic videos in my face, many people were obviously dressed to be sexually attractive, and the brothels were obvious as well. There was nothing I could do about any of that.

But not only did those things not result in acting out behavior for me (compulsions), I was able to remain free from the obsessions that previously would occupy vast amounts of my mind-space when I was in similar situations in the past. I continued to surrender, and God continued to be faithful to keep me free. I was able to be present in the moment, focused on the people and content of the conference I was attending.

Freedom is sweet! And it really is possible, even though I didn't believe that prior to my own experience with working the SA program (working the 12 Steps with a sponsor in the fellowship of others who are doing the same). As our literature reminds us, God can and will if he is sought.

Stopping myself, ... not!

(This post is from one of our group members.)

I'm a sexaholic. That means I'm powerless over lust. That means that lust will always win the battle if I try to stop my diseased mind from lusting. Powerlessness means the battle is already lost. There is no point to try to struggle any longer. I have nothing left to do but unconditional surrender.

When I first came to SA, I was looking for a little something to add on to what I already thought was true. From my culture and religious traditions, I had a fairly well-formed idea of God and right and wrong. SA simply needed to fit in with what I already knew, and everything would go just fine. I'd stay sober, and God would be happy with me.

But it didn't go just fine. It didn't work at all. I didn't stay sober or find freedom from lust and sexual acting out. It didn't work because I still needed something I thought I already had. I needed a right relationship with God, a God that was "for the sexaholic", a God who "could and would do for me what I could not do for myself."

I kept thinking that I needed to take care of my sexaholic problem myself, and then I'd have a right relationship with God. God had a different idea of how this was going to work. My way didn't work. His way did. My way was based on a high view of myself (pride and false humility) and my strength (to fight lust). His way required my real humility and His power over my lust. His way worked because He is God, and I am not.

I learned this through the experience of working the 12 Steps of AA/SA under the direction of a sponsor. Maybe there is another way it can work, but my experience and the experience of many other sober and happy and free SA's is that the SA way works when nothing else we tried did.

Does it get any easier?

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Someone asked me if it gets any easier as time passes. I have to think about what that question really means to me. I have to think about what it is I'm actually measuring and comparing between my past and my present.  

If the question is, "Does it get easier to fight against lust and temptations?", then the answer I must give is, "I really don't know, but I don't think so." Honestly I'm not trying to be a smart aleck. I don't try to fight against lust today like I used to. I surrender lust instead, because I sincerely believe that if I start fighting against lust again, if I start to try to control it myself again using my own strength, I will be back to acting out again. I am powerless over lust. It's that plain and simple for me. I believe I can honestly say that I have entirely accepted Step One as true for me. So for these sober years I've been in SA recovery, I really don't know how hard it is to fight lust. I just don't fight it, but I don't give into it either.

If the question I ask myself is, "Does it get easier to surrender lust to God and as a result be set free from the obsessions and compulsions?", then the answer is an unequivocal, "Yes!" That's what Steps Two through Twelve have opened the door to. That is what God has done because He "could and would if He were sought."

Has it been hard work on my part? Certainly! They don't say "play around with the Steps." No, as the saying goes, it only "works if you work it." But the positive results of working the Steps of the program and increasingly being connected rightly with God and others have extended well beyond the problem of lust. And it certainly has been worth it!

The God of my understanding

(This is a personal story from one of our members.)

One of the challenges both for me prior to starting to work the Steps of the SA program and while working Steps 1, 2 & 3 was my concept of God. I had been quite sure of what I believed about God, and, being as arrogant as I was, quite sure I was right. But the challenge came in that what I believed obviously didn't work. If it did work, then what was I still doing with this absolutely insane addiction? How could I go on "sinning" again and again if I really wanted to stop, but I couldn't? What did it say about me and my surety of who and what God was if I was still acting out in my addiction? If I and all of the other people who shared my beliefs about God were also entirely right in what we believed, then why was I trapped, in bondage, and had found no escape in the practice of my supposed faith in God? I wanted to be free. I begged to be set free. I hated who I was, and the God of my understanding apparently did nothing to change that.

If nothing was wrong with my understanding of God, then why was I showing up at SA looking for something more? Something was terribly wrong, or I wouldn't be here.

Today, things are very different. God "as I understand Him" is still very similar to the God I previously "believed in." But there are some significant differences.

One of the significant changes is that I no longer am in the practice of talking about some "hypothetical faith" that clearly doesn't really work, because it hasn't kept me sober, joyous, and free. No, instead I talk about "a faith that works." I know it works, because it works for me every day.  And I continue to learn that God is so much more than I ever imagined he would be. And that of course makes sense to me now that I have accepted that God is God and I am not, and that he is free to be what he is regardless of what I thought I knew about him.

I'm sick

(This is a personal story from one of our members.)

I'm a lust addict. I am a sick person. All sorts of odd things can be triggers and temptations to me. I'm not like "normal" people for whom those things would be no big deal. I am that sick.

But I get a daily reprieve from my sickness based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. For me that means that I stay rightly connected to God by surrendering those triggers and temptations and my insane thinking and my will and my life to Him. I learned how to do that by working the 12 Steps of the SA program under the direction of a sponsor. That is what the literature of SA suggested that I do if I wanted sobriety, recovery, serenity, and freedom from slavery to lust. As far as I've ever been able to figure out, SA actually doesn't offer any solution other than working those 12 Steps under the guidance of a sponsor.

My experience is that the program of working the 12 Steps simply works. And I know a lot of other people for whom it worked just like that as well.  I also know through my experience that everything I came up with on my own as a means of getting rid of my sickness didn't work. So I just accepted that I was sick enough that I had to do what had actually worked for all those other "sick" people who were now living in freedom one day at a time.

It would have done me well to realize how sick I was a long time ago so that I could finally give up, let go, and let God. But I guess I needed more time to experience more pain first. But whatever the reasons are that I refused to really work the 12 Steps way back when I went to me first SA meeting, I'm really happy that I finally did.