Long-term sobriety is a miracle (and possible)

 (The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

I never thought long-term sobriety would be possible for me. Some people in the first meeting I ever attended already had years of sobriety, and I couldn't even imagine what that would be like. 

Fast forward a couple of decades (yes, it really was decades), there were three things I finally accepted as 100% necessary if I was ever going to find freedom from my slavery to lust: an SA meeting, an SA sponsor, the SA program of working the 12 Steps. 

God was preparing the path for me even when I didn't know what I was going to do. I "providentially" ran into another sexaholic who was also ready to get sober and stay sober, and we started a local meeting by just showing up together and following the meeting guide in the back of the SA book. (It's still my home group.) 

After being reminded by reading the SA book, I went looking for a sponsor who could give me direction to work the SA 12 Step program. Some guy named Ed was willing to be my sponsor if I was really ready and willing to do whatever it took to stay sober and work the SA 12 Steps. I was finally ready, and there is a note in the inside front cover of my SA book that says this: "I am willing to go to any length to stay sober." Ed told me that when I was really ready, I should write that.

I also made a commitment to God in prayer that whatever this guy told me to do, I would do it, even if it killed me. As I followed Ed's direction down the 12 Step path, I found that it really wasn't that complicated if I just did what he directed me to do. But I also discovered that it was very hard work and quite painful at times. Changing a life can be like that. But it was entirely worth it! 

Taking the 12 Steps started me down that path of change, and the 12 Steps gave me the basic tools to continue that process of change by continuing on that path. It is still quite simple, but at times, still quite painful. I've had to grow up. I've had to surrender again and again and again. I've had to do things I really didn't want to but I knew I had to. I've had to sacrifice. Thank God for providing for me as I've continued to have help from the fellowship of my local group, other SA groups, and my spiritual growth partners.

 Through this program, I stay connected to the Power I need to stay sober and free. Without that connection to God, I'd still be a slave to lust. By the grace of God and the help of others, I have long-term sobriety. And that's a miracle.

Practicing a positive sobriety

 (The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

"The Solution" is a common reading at many local SA groups (SAWB p. 61-62). I really like how the SA program is summed up so well in just two pages. (Of course the book then goes on to walk us through the 12 Steps of the program in the following 93 pages, all worthy of being read and reread many times over.)

We began practicing a positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real Connection. We were home.

When I first started in the SA program, I was pretty much focused in on myself. In a number of ways, that was what I needed to do. Much of what I was doing was reacting to lust and temptation and doing inventory work on the "wreckage of my past",  I couldn't "give away what I didn't have", and true love for others was not something that I had to give. 

But then again, I could choose to "take the actions of love" regardless of whether or not my motive was right or whether or not I really meant it or whether or not I was having a very negative emotion at the moment. All of those things were just excuses I gave myself for not being a loving person. But choosing to act in what I know would be for the best benefit of the other person, that is something I can do regardless of what else is going on inside of me. 

One tiny example of "taking the actions" for me is when I wash the dishes. My hatred of washing dishes started when I was a teenager both in my parents home and in my first real paying job as a dishwasher in a diner. From that point on, it didn't matter where or when, I did not ever want to wash dishes or help with dish cleanup. And then a "miraculous" thing happened; I developed an allergic reaction to dish soap. ;-)  I now have the perfect excuse for never washing dishes again! 

But the dishes need to be washed, and there are ways to deal with my skin problems. So instead of making excuses for not doing what I don't want to do, I use that as an opportunity to show love to my spouse. I take the action of love, and sometimes even with the right motive, because I now do have something I can give away. And that came as I worked through the Steps under the direction of a sponsor and found that God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. And for that I am grateful.

Sobriety Milestones

 (The following post is the experience of one of our group members.)

In my earliest days of SA meeting attendance, I reported my length of sobriety along with everyone else at our local face-to-face meeting. So it was something that I tracked for that purpose if nothing else. But when I started to get longer lengths of sobriety, I did become prideful of "my achievement", and that attitude was a disaster waiting to happen. As expected, disaster did happen, with many years of relapsing and "going back out there" as the consequence.

In my earliest home group, some of the "old-timers" with longer lengths of sobriety started to introduce themselves by saying "I'm sober today" as a way to avoid making people with shorter lengths of sobriety feel "uncomfortable." Acting like I was following their lead, I started using that same "I'm sober today" line as a way to hide that I wasn't maintaining sobriety at all. (Everything really does boil down to my own attitudes and motives.) But when it got discussed at a group conscience meeting, the clear consensus from those of us with shorter terms of sobriety was that we needed to know that long-term sobriety was desirable and, more importantly, was truly possible. 

In my current period of sobriety, I had finally accepted that I was truly powerless over lust (Step 1). And with that admission, I had fully accepted that "my sobriety" was a gift from God, since I myself am powerless over lust. There is nothing to feel prideful about when all I am doing is accepting the work of God in my life through surrendering that which I am powerless over. 

Today I would say that more times than not, I have slid past my anniversary date without recognizing it until I introduce myself at the next meeting and am a bit surprised that yet another year has passed. 

Today I know that there is no "good reason" for me to ever act out again. Certainly I can start making a whole series of really bad choices that once again separates me from God and his power actively working in my heart and mind. And if I do that, I am most certainly well on my way to a relapse. But if I continue making the principles of this program my daily lifestyle, there is every reason to believe that God will continue to do for me what I cannot do for myself.  That is simply part of his loving nature.  And that still happens one day at a time, regardless of how many days that totals up to be.

Fighting it alone

(The following is a post from one of our members.)

A thought rearranged itself in my brain. It was this: whenever I was fighting lust and my sexual obsessions and compulsions, I was alone.

I'm not saying that I was not in the physical presence of other people. But I can be in a crowd and still be alone. I can be alone in my own head, with my own thoughts, connected to no one, alone.

But when I am surrendering to God, surrendering my temptations and triggers and lust, I am not alone. I am talking to God. I am connecting with him. I am recognizing the reality that he is present with me (as he always is whether I recognize it or not).

When I was acting out with porn and sexually, I would lie to myself that I was alone, that God was not there. Then I began to believe that lie and act as if it were true. I was in my insanity tying to wish God out of existence so that I could be alone. The consequences of that delusion were devastating.

Then when I decided I'd had enough of being in bondage to lust and my sexual obsessions and compulsions, I still continued to act as if God was not there. I was powerless over lust, but couldn't see the obvious conclusion that if I was powerless, I could not fight against lust and win. Fighting lust was yet another way for me to be alone, to do it myself. So I fought that harder and harder. But that didn't work at all, and eventually led to that sweet despair that made me ready to have a change of attitude and belief.

I had felt like I was between a rock and a hard place. So instead of fighting both lust and God. I decided to surrender to the "Rock" and let him take care of my will and my life and lust as well. Ever since then, I purposefully and consciously "bring God into" my life, and my problems, and my temptations and my joys and my daily routine.

I no longer even try to fight lust. I surrender it to the One who can take care of it. I am never alone.

Staying Sober - A Personal Story

The following is a personal story from one of our members.

"Renewed effort" never worked for me. More knowledge and understanding didn't either. Nor did firmer and more stringent boundaries. Nothing worked until I finally accepted that I was and always would be a sexaholic who was powerless, and that my only hope to stop slipping back into my old lustful ways was to give up doing things my way, and really surrender to God, and start working the Steps of the program under the direction of a sponsor.

I don't know how many times I had read through the Sexaholic Anonymous book, but it was a lot. I had also read through the Alcoholics Anonymous book a few times. I did not lack knowledge. I lacked willingness. I was not yet willing to submit, surrender, give up my way, and turn my will and life over to the care of God. I was not yet willing to work the Steps under the direction of another sexaholic who had himself submitted to working the steps under the direction of yet another sexaholic, etc., etc., all the way back to the first alcoholics who "found God".

As a great SA article reminds me, "You don't have to slip." I used to believe that slipping was "inevitable", because I did it so much. But that was just another lie I told myself. Slipping is only inevitable if I keep trying to be my own god. But as I have learned more and more what it means to surrender to the "One who has all power", I can say with assurance that continuous sobriety is certainly possible. Not because I can, but because "God could and would if He were sought."

Note: 'Slip' in this story refers to losing sexual sobriety after a period of being sober.