Resisting the inevitable

(This post is a personal story from one of our group members.)

A fellow SA member shared with me about his attempts to resist his acting out behaviors. I could really relate to that feeling that I would only be able to resist for just so long, and then inevitably would act out again. We both had that experience over and over again. I think that's part of how I know I'm an addict. I could not resist even when I wanted to.

But, thank God, it didn't have to stay that way. Surrendering to God instead of resisting by my own effort was the key to staying sober without the inevitable build up and failure. There was a way to find freedom, and working the Steps with a sponsor was the way I learned what surrender really meant. And the Steps brought me into a right relationship with God and others.

There really is hope in this program, but it only seemed to happen for me when I was really ready to give up my own way of living and turn my will over to God.

Stopping myself, ... not!

(This post is from one of our group members.)

I'm a sexaholic. That means I'm powerless over lust. That means that lust will always win the battle if I try to stop my diseased mind from lusting. Powerlessness means the battle is already lost. There is no point to try to struggle any longer. I have nothing left to do but unconditional surrender.

When I first came to SA, I was looking for a little something to add on to what I already thought was true. From my culture and religious traditions, I had a fairly well-formed idea of God and right and wrong. SA simply needed to fit in with what I already knew, and everything would go just fine. I'd stay sober, and God would be happy with me.

But it didn't go just fine. It didn't work at all. I didn't stay sober or find freedom from lust and sexual acting out. It didn't work because I still needed something I thought I already had. I needed a right relationship with God, a God that was "for the sexaholic", a God who "could and would do for me what I could not do for myself."

I kept thinking that I needed to take care of my sexaholic problem myself, and then I'd have a right relationship with God. God had a different idea of how this was going to work. My way didn't work. His way did. My way was based on a high view of myself (pride and false humility) and my strength (to fight lust). His way required my real humility and His power over my lust. His way worked because He is God, and I am not.

I learned this through the experience of working the 12 Steps of AA/SA under the direction of a sponsor. Maybe there is another way it can work, but my experience and the experience of many other sober and happy and free SA's is that the SA way works when nothing else we tried did.

Pain is good

(This is a personal post by one of our members.)

Some other people's sharing got me thinking about my own weakness. I certainly am weak. All I have to do is look at the power that lust has over me, and I know I'm weak. That's the obvious one.

I'm glad it became obvious. That's why I finally "got" Step One. It was like being hit over the head by a big stick until the pain brought about enough realization that I was not only weak, but completely powerless. And I'm very OK with that today.

I think that the natural and spiritual consequences that exist in this world eventually catch up with at least some of us, and we finally "get it". That's been true of me. My own experience with God leads me to believe that it is gracious of him to withhold any special protection for me when I'm rebelling against him and harming others. I don't experience it as God particularly causing the specific painful consequence, but as him allowing what naturally follows to happen without intervening to protect me from it. How else am I ever going to know that something has gone terribly wrong, that I'm not living as I should? Pain is good.

In the same way as it doesn't do children any good to have their parents spoil them by making sure they never experience any pain (physical or otherwise) and always get what they want, it wouldn't do me any good to have a God who made sure I never experienced the consequences of my attitudes and actions.

But the amazing thing about God is that he's capable of redeeming anything that has happened in my life. Not that the consequences are gone and everything is completely fixed, but that he can use those things to bring about growth in me and even to help others as I surrender all of that to him and let him direct my life for me.

Does it get any easier?

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Someone asked me if it gets any easier as time passes. I have to think about what that question really means to me. I have to think about what it is I'm actually measuring and comparing between my past and my present.  

If the question is, "Does it get easier to fight against lust and temptations?", then the answer I must give is, "I really don't know, but I don't think so." Honestly I'm not trying to be a smart aleck. I don't try to fight against lust today like I used to. I surrender lust instead, because I sincerely believe that if I start fighting against lust again, if I start to try to control it myself again using my own strength, I will be back to acting out again. I am powerless over lust. It's that plain and simple for me. I believe I can honestly say that I have entirely accepted Step One as true for me. So for these sober years I've been in SA recovery, I really don't know how hard it is to fight lust. I just don't fight it, but I don't give into it either.

If the question I ask myself is, "Does it get easier to surrender lust to God and as a result be set free from the obsessions and compulsions?", then the answer is an unequivocal, "Yes!" That's what Steps Two through Twelve have opened the door to. That is what God has done because He "could and would if He were sought."

Has it been hard work on my part? Certainly! They don't say "play around with the Steps." No, as the saying goes, it only "works if you work it." But the positive results of working the Steps of the program and increasingly being connected rightly with God and others have extended well beyond the problem of lust. And it certainly has been worth it!

Taking the Steps

(The following is a post from one of our members.)

I heard someone at a meeting share an analogy about taking a flight of steps in order to get through a door at the top. That image got me thinking.

Looking back at my history with SA, I can see that I spent years with the "crowd" that was milling around at the bottom of the steps. We went to meetings and participated in the sharing, but we didn't take the steps. We stayed below the doors just looking up the steps at the people who actually were walking up the steps. We saw people going through those doors, doors that opened to a new way of life, doors that led to serenity, peace, and freedom. But we weren't even sitting on the steps yet; we hadn't even started to trudge up those steps.

I felt good going to meetings in those early years. There was a sense of companionship being part of the crowd not yet taking the "Steps". It felt good to be with others who understood me and my obsessions and compulsions. People would listen to me as I shared about my latest failure to stay sober. In that crowd, failing to stay sober was the norm, so I felt right at home.

But it did me no good whatsoever to remain in the crowd at the bottom of the Steps and to not listen to the voice of someone who had reached the top and was offering to tell me how to take those Steps like he had. And until the pain of being me became a great enough motivator, I wasn't ready to leave the crowd. I wouldn't listen, and I wouldn't start taking those simple but hard Steps that led to freedom.

But thank God, the pain become enough, and I finally did take those Steps!

Unconditional and Immediate Surrender

(The following is a personal post by one of our members.)

I was talking with my sponsor recently, and he shared that the program was distilled by a speaker he heard down to two words: "Let go."  If I only had two words, those two might be the way I would put it as well.

When I heard that, my mind immediately jumped to a section in the Sexaholics Anonymous book (p. 82) that includes those two words:
In summary, for us surrender is the change in attitude of the inner person that makes life possible. It is the great beginning, the insignia and watchword of our program. And no amount of knowledge about surrender can make it a fact until we simply give up, let go, and let God. When we surrender our "freedom," we become truly free."

So maybe even one word can sum up the program: "Surrender."

And yet it seems to be in my very nature to fight instead of surrender. I certainly fought lust. I really wanted to stop. I really tried to stop. But I couldn't. I was no longer free not to lust. I was lust's slave, and I needed to be emancipated by a Power greater than me because I was incapable of breaking the chains that bound me.

I fought God as well.

The difference between lust and God in this battle of mine is that lust is a master that will not let me go, but on the contrary, God is a master only so long as I continue to surrender to Him. And when I surrender my "freedom" to Him, I become truly free. He does not take my freedom away, but He accepts the good and the bad that I freely give Him, and He returns to me the gift of freedom from the bondage I can not escape in my own power.

U.S. Grant is quoted as saying, "No terms, except unconditional and immediate surrender, can be accepted." I started working the Steps of this program with my sponsor by first committing to God, "I will do whatever my sponsor says."  Early on in working the Steps with my sponsor, he asked me to write the date and the words "I will go to any length to stay sober" in the front of my AA book, when I was ready. Surrender. I was learning how to finally surrender.

Slipping

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Some time ago I was talking with my wife about some things I was experiencing while working the program. Based on my prior experiences with slipping (aka relapsing), I knew I was in no position to try to fool myself or anyone else (her included) and make a claim to "never go back out there."

Instead I simply said, "I'm only ever one bad choice away from a relapse." And it doesn't even have to be a big choice or an obvious choice. One subtle, little choice, and I can be on the road to a relapse. And because I'm a sexaholic, that choice will be an "easy" one to make. That's been my past experience many, many times, and I don't doubt it can happen again.

I'm told by the old-timers that all I have is a "daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition." Here it is in context:

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for [lust] is a subtle foe. We are not cured of [sexaholism]. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." (AABB, p. 85)

So what really matters in the end is my "spiritual condition." I've got to continue to ask myself, "Am I currently in right relationship with God and others?" (cf. Step 10)  "Am I growing spiritually in conscious connection with God?" (cf. Step 11)  "Am I trying to help others and sharing about who I really am and the story of what God is doing to change me in all areas of my life?" (cf. Step 12)

But without working the first nine Steps of the program with a sponsor, there wasn't any way I was going to know what the last three even meant, let alone do them.

I sincerely believe that if I am in continual right connection with a "loving God" that "could and would if He were sought,"  relapse simply won't happen. But if I walk away from that connection and start to once again "rest on my laurels" and believe I can do this on my own, then that "one bad choice" has already happened, and I'm on my way to that relapse, because I'm on my own.

Struggling is optional

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

My experience prior to SA recovery was that struggling was necessary. The only defense against lust was to exert as much energy as I could muster to fight and struggle against it. Lust proved to always be more powerful than me, and thus I always lost the fight. I am powerless over lust (Step One), plain and simple.

Surrender came with a whimper. No effort. No fight. Just acceptance that I will always be a sexaholic and I will never be able to handle lust and the temptations from within and the triggers from without. The deadly combination of the world around me and my addicted mind inside me colluded to bring me down every time. I had lost the battle.

On my knees is where I must stay, surrendered to my Maker. My will and life are His for whatever He chooses to do with them. And so I also I give my lust and the temptations and triggers to him in an act of surrender every time there is even a hint of it, a whiff of the old familiar scent, the slightest thought of a lust-filled memory, the tiniest beginning of a fantasy, the remotest possibility of that person or image in the corner of my eye taking hold of me. Surrender is all I have to offer.

And at times when all of those converge in a massive force that is palpable, the solution remains the same: acceptance that I am a sexaholic and that I am and always will be powerless over lust, and then surrendering in attitude and action to a loving God who is always willing to receive from me that which I freely give to Him, including my lust and character defects.

Struggling is now an option that I no longer choose. Surrendering time and again has created a new "default setting". I learned all of that by going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the Steps as directed. That is the SA solution for those willing to submit to it.

Taken by Step One

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

SA's Step One: "We admitted that we were powerless over lust -- that our lives had become unmanageable."

On page 87 of the Sexaholic Anonymous "White Book" it goes on to says this:

This is why "telling all" is not taking the First Step. Such confession can be anything from boastful replay to anguished dumping or intellectual analysis. And even then, it's not really "all" and often is only surface material. In truth, we don't "take" the First Step; it takes us. It overtakes us. And if it hasn't yet, hopefully it will. The sickness and punishment sexaholism produces inside us keep pounding us until we're ready to give up, let go, and know we are powerless over lust.

The first time I made an effort to work Step One was probably back in 1989. I had a look at some material about how to do it, asked a few questions, and then proceeded to try to do it my way by writing out a "Step One Inventory". I polished it up, and with quite a few months of sobriety already (it might have been a whole year), I shared what I had written in our local meeting. I can look back and see that person and remember the pride with which I shared that inventory, basking in the attention of the group, receiving the "good job" congratulations after the meeting ended.

But regardless of how well I had followed the formula to prepare and share, I had not yet taken the First Step. And it should come as no surprise that I had many more years of relapses and acting out ahead of me before I would finally have a true Step One experience. As with everything else in this program, it's an inside job and it all starts with proper attitude that will then lead to proper action. Step One happens in the heart.

When I returned to SA more than six years ago, I was a very different man. I had been beaten. I had been humiliated (but not yet humble). I had already been to the point of despair. I had several months of tenuous sobriety when I finally became just humble enough to ask for someone to sponsor me. I knew that my ongoing sobriety and true recovery depended on working the Steps the way that had worked for some other SA who was sober and in recovery. I knew I needed help, and I needed to stop relying on myself, because I was powerless over lvst and my life had become unmanageable. I knew I had to take direction and do what I was told was good for me whether I understood it or not.

So six years ago when I started with my sponsor, in all honesty it didn't really matter what he suggested I do to work Step One. My Step One experience was already done. Rather than me doing anything, it had happened to me. The admission was already complete. I had been taken.

The drug is lust

(This is a personal story from one of our members.)

For me as a sexaholic, the drug is sexual lust. Sexual acting out simply follows. I've had recovering alcoholics share with me that as a sexaholic, they have come to realize that "the drug is in my brain". I agree; the drug is in my brain, because the drug is sexual lust.

But the early AAs also told me (in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book) that in the end there likely comes a time when the alcoholic had to learn to rely on exactly the same solution that I must, or neither of us is going to stay sober.

"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (AABB p. 43)

I can't simply avoid my drug; it's in my brain. If I'm lusting, I'm high on my drug. I need a Power greater than myself, and I need that Power to do for me what I can't do for myself. I must have a Power that will accept and can take care of the lust that I willingly surrender to Him (stop struggling with it and hand it over).

The awesome thing is that working the Steps under the guidance of a sponsor resulted in a significant enough spiritual awakening that connected me rightly with that Power, a loving God. So I know where to go when I have "no mental defense" against the drug in my brain, which actually for me means every time. And so instead of ever trying to face that drug alone, I just always go to God with it no matter how "trivial" it may initially appear to be. And in doing so, I continue to connect with Him in prayer, sometimes many, many times throughout the day, turning temptation into opportunity for a conscious connection with God.

So what is "surrender"?

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

I talk a lot about surrender when I share my story with others, so I am often asked what surrender means to me. I really like this definition for surrender I found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary a few years ago:

"Surrender: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed. : to give the control or use of (something) to someone else."

In my experience, that is probably as accurate as it can be defined for this sexaholic!

First, I had to agree with God to stop fighting, hiding and resisting because I finally knew in the core of my being that I could not win or succeed (Step One).

• I stopped fighting lust. I stopped fighting being a sexaholic. I stopped fighting God.
• I stopped hiding the truth about what I was (a sexaholic) and what I had done (my wrongs/sins) from myself. I stopped hiding that from God (or should I say, "trying to hide that" from God). I stopped hiding from my fellow sexaholics, and particularly from my sponsor, the true nature of what I was and what I had done.
• I stopped resisting lust. I stopped resisting temptations and triggers (surrendering them instead). I stopped resisting God and his will for my actions and life.

Then I gave control of myself to God.

• I gave control over my lusting to God. I gave control over my sexual acting out to God. I gave the control of my will and life to God for his use.  

And because I am a sexaholic, that meant that I agreed to work the 12 Steps of the SA program as my sponsor directed me to do so. I gave up my supposed freedom so that I could become truly free from the bondage of lust and sexual acting out.

As the SA book says it on page 81:

"In summary, for us surrender is the change in attitude of the inner person that makes life possible. It is the great beginning, the insignia and watchword of our program. And no amount of knowledge about surrender can make it a fact until we simply give up, let go, and let God. When we surrender our 'freedom,' we become truly free."

Why did this happen?

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

Before I finally started to listen to a S.A. sponsor and follow his directions to work the 12 Steps of the S.A. program, I was very interested in figuring out the answers to my questions about why I was addicted to lust and why I kept doing these things that in the end caused me pain and despair. I thought it was important to figure out "why" because I was still under the delusion that if I could figure it out, then I could do something about it. But that meant that I still had not really admitted and accepted that I am a sexaholic (Step One) and that I really am powerless over lust in any form. And I wasn't ready for this program until I finally got to that point of really admitting Step One was completely true for me.

The answer to the "why" questions are rather simple for me today. The answer is that I am a sexaholic, and I am not God. That's really all there is to it.

And that means that it would be essential for me to learn how to rightly connect with God in an attitude of complete surrender. And that happens for me as I work the 12 Steps of S.A. the way my sponsor suggested I do it.

Respect for SA's Traditions

(This is a personal story from one of our members.)

I have an ever-growing respect for the SA Traditions. SA (and AA before that) still exist and can offer a program of recovery because the Traditions have ensured they are still here, still doing what they were designed to do from the beginning.

Naturally I am a "member" of some other organizations such as my workplace and my religious affiliation. And I've seen and experienced the rise (and fall) of personalities in those groups. It truly is a rare person who can be the focus of attention for very long before that attention leads to problems of power and control. As someone once said, "we are by nature glory-hoarding, self-centered, control freaks."  I know I certainly am.

In keeping with the principles in our SA literature (Tradition 2), our local group refers to the members who have been elected to positions of "leadership" as "trusted servants."  When I am serving the group as treasurer or literature chairperson or secretary, I am reminded every week when we read the Traditions together that as a "trusted servant", my "position" in the group is for the purpose of serving this local fellowship. And I am further reminded that the primary purpose of our group is to carry the message to the sexaholic who still suffers (Tradition 5). Serving and helping others diminishes my tendency toward becoming a "personality".

The Traditions are packed with so much great stuff that helps keeps the "me" in check from harming "us". And this too requires that I surrender my will to God, or I will naturally default to being a "glory-hoarding, self-centered, control freak" in my pursuit of my personality.

The God of my understanding

(This is a personal story from one of our members.)

One of the challenges both for me prior to starting to work the Steps of the SA program and while working Steps 1, 2 & 3 was my concept of God. I had been quite sure of what I believed about God, and, being as arrogant as I was, quite sure I was right. But the challenge came in that what I believed obviously didn't work. If it did work, then what was I still doing with this absolutely insane addiction? How could I go on "sinning" again and again if I really wanted to stop, but I couldn't? What did it say about me and my surety of who and what God was if I was still acting out in my addiction? If I and all of the other people who shared my beliefs about God were also entirely right in what we believed, then why was I trapped, in bondage, and had found no escape in the practice of my supposed faith in God? I wanted to be free. I begged to be set free. I hated who I was, and the God of my understanding apparently did nothing to change that.

If nothing was wrong with my understanding of God, then why was I showing up at SA looking for something more? Something was terribly wrong, or I wouldn't be here.

Today, things are very different. God "as I understand Him" is still very similar to the God I previously "believed in." But there are some significant differences.

One of the significant changes is that I no longer am in the practice of talking about some "hypothetical faith" that clearly doesn't really work, because it hasn't kept me sober, joyous, and free. No, instead I talk about "a faith that works." I know it works, because it works for me every day.  And I continue to learn that God is so much more than I ever imagined he would be. And that of course makes sense to me now that I have accepted that God is God and I am not, and that he is free to be what he is regardless of what I thought I knew about him.