(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)
"Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others." (Sexaholics Anonymous, page 203)
I definitely felt "inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid" for as long as I can remember. My sexual addiction made all of those feelings far worse.
When I stopped long enough to look inside, I hated what I saw. And given that self-hatred was not a particularly pleasant feeling, lust and sexual acting out was a quick "pill" for those horrible feelings I had about myself. But then I'd "wake up" out of my latest lust/sex binge and hate myself all the more. Repeat, repeat, repeat ....
My "horribleness" was what drove me away from God and others. I was unacceptable to myself, so how could anyone else accept me, truly love me, if they knew what was really going on inside me and through my acting our behaviors?
Turns out that my first step in the right direction was to admit that I had completely lost the fight and was completely hopeless if left to myself (powerlessness). Then I dared to consider that if I was to have any hope at all, it would have to come from a God who not only already knew everything about my horrid state of affairs, but who loved me anyway. I had to "come to believe" that God was not as I had imagined him to be. And with that as my confirmed hope, I could turn my will and life over to God who could and would do for me what I could not do myself.
And what about my insides that didn't match what I saw on the outsides of others? I no longer care much about what I see on the outsides of others. I figure that generally they are either faking it just like I was, or they are already growing along spiritual lines and will welcome me to join them. This way of life is so much better!
