It works if you work it!

(The following is a post from one of our members.)

As they say at the close of a whole lot of SA meetings: "It works if you work it!" And then at some they add, "It won't if you don't!"

Yep, my story too. I spent a lot of years working "my program". My program wasn't the SA/AA program of the whole 12 Steps, and I certainly wasn't "fearless and thorough from the very start." (AABB Chapter 5)

Turns out that the SA program is simply the 12 Steps. The AA book makes it so simply clear when it says, "Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery," and then promptly list the 12 Steps.

So I finally admitted defeat and worked the 12 Steps as my sponsor told me to work them. And by the time I had gotten to Step 12, I had had what the SAWB talks about as a result of working the first eleven Steps.

"If a person is experiencing the reality of Steps One through Eleven, he or she is manifesting the truth of that new life."
"Staying sober is our initial objective; a spiritual awakening is the unintended result. If our experience tells us anything, it is that there is no healing without such an awakening. And the difference between merely not acting out our addiction (being "dry") and healing is the new life. If we want the old life intact, simply minus the habit, we don't really want healing, for our sickness is the old way of life." (SAWB p. 143)

At this time in my working of the Steps, I'm continuing to work Steps 10-12. Some people refer to these Steps as the maintenance Steps. You just never stop working them, since they become a new way of life for someone in recovery.

My Step 12 action last night was to meet with a new member who has asked me to sponsor him. We worked on Step One together. Then before going to bed, there was time for meditation through literature reading, and this morning there was more time for reading literature and prayer (Step 11), before my breakfast meeting with my spiritual growth partner. The ongoing program is still about working the 12 Steps, "to practice these principles in all our affairs." This is "that new life."

It works if you work it! It really does.

The God of my understanding

(The following is a post by one of our members.)

I used to have this belief that I could only be acceptable to God if I got myself all cleaned up before I could come to Him. In my sick thinking, I had to get to where I felt ashamed enough for what I had done and committed enough to being different in the future before I dared show up before God.

Of course as a growing sexaholic, that meant that "coming to God" got to be less and less often, since my ongoing and increasing lusting and sexual acting out meant I spent more and more time trying to clean myself up. Less connection with God meant that I spent more and more time trying to battle lust on my own. The vicious cycle became very well established. There was no getting off of this treadmill. I was stuck.

So my experience of God had to change. What I thought and believed about Him didn't work to get me sober and keep me sober. And since I was powerless over lust, I didn't have any other solution for my problem except for a God who "could and would" restore me to sanity.

These days the God of my understanding is best described in the story people refer to as the "prodigal son". Regardless of how I was the one who did the leaving, regardless of how much mess I made along the way of willfully running (ruining) my own life my own way, regardless of the filth and stink I've got hanging all over me as the consequences of my choices, the moment I turn to "go home to Dad", he's right there, picking me up and giving me a huge hug and ready to take care of the "cleaning up" Himself. The word "grace" comes to mind.

And it's to that kind of God that I can surrender my lust and my will and life.

Serenity

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Another member of our program was sharing about feeling a heaviness. That got me thinking about how heaviness contrasts with serenity. I definitely prefer serenity!

I've had plenty of years (decades) of heaviness before I found freedom in this program. Since I live with my wife, I have someone who observes me in as basic a state of being as I've got. And she tells me that she sees the difference in me that my years of sobriety and recovery have brought. I think sometimes I can't really see it myself, because it is happening to me "naturally" as I practice the principles of SA that I learned by working the Steps of the program with a sponsor's guidance.

Serenity is one of the things that has changed. Serenity is happening to me. The Serenity Prayer start out with "God, grant me the serenity...." It's not something I can conjure up in myself. It is a gift. It doesn't happen because all my circumstances just magically change. It happens while I am still in the midst of those circumstances. God grants it. The full Serenity Prayer talks about "accepting hardship as the pathway to peace", so circumstances may well be very difficult still. But serenity is still possible even then.

This reminds me that the whole point of this program is to bring me into a right relationship with God. Sobriety, recovery, serenity are all natural outcomes of a right relationship with God. It really is that simple for me. There really only is this one thing to focus on, and then everything else falls into place. And that includes accepting the things I can not change, having courage to change the things I can, and gaining the wisdom to know that difference. SA tells me that the Steps are the path to get there and that a sponsor can guide me. That's how it works.

God grant....

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

I find the first two words of the Serenity Prayer to be crucial for me to focus on and never forget: "God grant." It is another example of how God does for me what I can not do for myself. I am powerless; He has all power. It's also one of the early steps in learning some much needed humility, recognizing this isn't all about me, nor is my progress of my own doing.

In our local group we pray out loud together the Serenity Prayer and the other prayers from our literature such as the Third Step Prayer, the Seventh Step Prayer, and Eleventh Step Prayer. I appreciate how in each of these prayers I am reminded that my dependence is on God.

"...Thee to build with me and do with me...."
"Relieve me...."
"Take away my difficulties...."
"...you now remove...."
"Grant me...."
"Lord, make me...."
"Lord, grant...."

Every time I hear someone refer to the 12 Step program as a "self help" program, I wonder if they really have any idea what this program is all about. When I was "helping myself", I was acting out. For me, this is a "God grant" program, because if he doesn't grant it, I'm not going to have it.

Hope for Freedom

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

One of the greatest hopes in recovery for me has been the realized hope for freedom. I say "greatest", because I didn't believe it was possible for me to have freedom from the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction. As an addict, I am powerless over lust, so what hope could I have? As I sat in meetings in the earlier years, the majority of us were still showing up week after week to report on our latest acting out episodes. I was definitely part of the majority. The majority clearly had no hope for freedom.

But there it was in the literature: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness." (AA The Promises)  "We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that sex was indeed optional. There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive." (SA The Solution)  And there it also was in the experience of the few. There were of course those few members who somehow had realized the "hope for freedom" that the rest of us said we wanted, but never saw happen.

As for me (and I suspect for the others in the majority as well), I now know that it was because I still wanted to play with lust, but not have to suffer the consequences. I wanted to be free from lust's power, but still depend on my own power to win the battle. I wanted God's help, but still wanted to avoid turning my will and life over to Him. I wanted to be rid of the habit, but still be able to keep the rest of my life running on my terms. ("If we want the old life intact, simply minus the habit, we don't really want healing, for our sickness is the old way of life." SAWB Step 12)

Immersing myself in the literature, going to meetings, and working the 12 Steps as my sponsor told me to do them was the key to beginning to have hope for freedom. And that hope has been realized. Today, God gives me freedom from lust and the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction! It is true. It will happen. But it comes at a price, a price I now wondered why I ever questioned if it was worth paying.

The real problem

(the following is a post from one of our group members)

Lust was my "drug of choice". I used it as the solution to all my problems. But then lust became a problem instead of a solution. And then I couldn't stop lusting, even when I wanted to.

I used to think that my sexual acting out behaviors were my real problem, but they weren't. Those resulted from my lusting, and when I'm not lusting, the acting out behavior simply doesn't happen. And actually lust also isn't my real problem. Trying not to lust didn't solve my real problem, and attempting to fight lust proved to be impossible anyway.

But what was possible was to work through the 12 Steps of the SA program under the direction of a sponsor. And when I did that as my sponsor suggested I do it, I began to make the right connection with God through surrender to him, and I finally had a real solution too my real problem. My real problem was actually my misconnection with God and others.

How I got started on real recovery was to get a sponsor and follow his instructions. Up until I was willing to do that, "sobriety" was only temporary at best.

The program works, IF you work it!

Does SA really work?

(the following is a post from one of our group members)

Does SA really work? The clear answer from my own life is yes. I know it works, because it has worked for me.

But does it work for everyone? The more nuanced answer is no. Our own literature makes it clear that SA is not for everyone. And as I read the SA literature, there are quite a number of "ifs" in there that make it very clear that there are plenty of reasons why it won't work for some people. "If" they won't work the program as it was designed, "if" they won't surrender to God, then I certainly don't expect "SA" to work for them.

It didn't work for me for a lot of years. But if I'm honest about that, that was really because I refused to work the SA program as it was designed to be worked. I was prideful, and I refused to turn my will and life over to the care of God. And without God, I had no hope in fighting and battling against the power of lust. But when I finally surrendered to God and worked the program as my sponsor told me to do it, I found freedom from the obsessions and compulsions. It worked!

And as the classic line we repeat at every meeting reminds me, "It works if you work it!"

Quit playing God

(The following is a post from one of our group members.)

The AA Big Book has this oft quoted statement: “First of all, we had to quit playing God.  It didn’t work.” That is so simply and so straightforward. It seems so obvious that the first time I read it, it put a smile on my face. Now if only I had done something about it the first time I read it!

No, it took me a seriously long time to finally get so demoralized that I "gave up, let go, and let God." I desperately wanted to play god. I was living in the delusion that I needed to be in control, and all I needed was a little help from God periodically when something got really tough, and then I'd go back to being in control again, thank you very much. God would be a handy extra boost when I needed him, but I was hoping to be the one running my own life.

That's been one of the unforeseen benefits of being a sexaholic. I've got this continuous, built-in reminder that I am not in control. I'm powerless over lust and my life had become unmanageable (Step 1). I needed a new Manager. I needed a real Power (Step 2). I needed a real God, because without God, I would be lost in my helplessness, beaten by lust and by my long list of character defects.

Working the Steps of the program was the beginning of real spiritual progress (not perfection) in stopping playing God. While working Steps 4, 5 and 6, my sponsor did a great job in showing me just how much I was making myself or other people my god. Turns out I did it all the time! But the program also gave me a new way of living, a way of living that allows me to continue to make progress in letting God be God. And one of the ways I remind myself every day that I am not God is to begin the day in prayer with the simple statement, "You are God, and I am not god."

Control or surrender?

(The following is a post from one of our group members.)

My Step 1 experience brought me to the bedrock belief that I am powerless over lust, that my life had become unmanageable. That powerlessness resulted in a experiential understanding that I had no control anymore over lust. Lust controlled me, and there was nothing I could do in my effort to change that. Lust was always more powerful than me, and I had no hope in battling it.

I needed a power more powerful than lust to take care of my lust for me. Fortunately there is the SA program of the 12 Steps that showed me that if I came to trust a Power greater than myself (and greater than lust), I would be given a gift of sobriety every time I turned my lust over to that Power. I could be restored to sanity. I did not need to surrender to lust anymore. I could be rid of it.

Since I didn't really have another realistic choice (because I am powerless), Step 3 was how that growing trust in God would work its way out. I would simple give up trying to maintain control over lust and over myself, and instead let God have that lust and my will and life. And when I've given my will and life over to God, then turning any temptations over to Him is really quite natural.

As my sponsor said, Step 3 is a decision to work the rest of the Steps. And that was a journey that continues to bring me into right relationship with God and others.

After seven years of sobriety, do I now have control or some power over lust? No. But God still does, so I don't have to. And that's what keeps me sober.

Sleepless nights

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

I was remembering an incident a couple of nights ago when I could not get to sleep.  Eventually I got up and turned on the computer. I checked my email accounts, and spent some time writing a few responses and then some posts to an online recovery group. Eventually, feeling sufficiently tired, I headed off to bed.

My wife had been asleep through all of this. I ever so quietly opened the door and did everything I could not to wake her.

And at that moment a thought occurred to me.  I had done this same thing so many times before, this sneaking back to bed after having been on the computer in the middle of the night. But this time was different. This time was in recovery, because this time I was still sober.

When I was still trapped in my addiction, I would have been sneaking back into the room feeling oh so guilty and ashamed. I would have been doing everything I could so as not to wake her and have her wondering what I had been doing. My motivation would have been to hide and deceive, to not be caught.

But now it is all different. Now my motive is good. Now I am not thinking of myself at all. Now I am only thinking about her well-being, trying my best to not wake her so that at least she will have a good night's sleep.

For me, the joys of this program are in watching how God is changing me as I surrender to His will for me, surrender my selfishness and resentment and a lot of other character defects, and ask Him to change me.  Working the Steps with a sponsor taught me how to start doing that.

"It works if you work it."

Being ready for the 12 Steps

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

On pages 206-207 in the SA book there is a lengthy quote from the AA book appropriately titled "From Chapter Five Of Alcoholics Anonymous". It ends with a listing of the 12 Steps. But in introducing the reader to those Steps, the book first says this:

"Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. 

"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."

There is an important "if..., then" statement in that first paragraph that jumps out at me every time I read it. "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps." (emph. mine)

For me, there was no positive virtue within myself that brought me to the point that I really wanted what the sober sexaholics had and was ready to go to any length to get it. I reached that conclusion because constantly living in the lie of my lust and sexual acting out had become too painful for me to bear. I had reached the tipping point where the lust drug was causing more pain than pleasure. I wanted out of the mess I had made, but I had clearly proven that I could not do it on my own, or do it my own way. I could not stand being me anymore.

I needed what someone else had. I needed freedom, but I couldn't break free. What I wanted was what my sponsor and other recovering sexaholics had, and I was finally willing to go to any length to get it. I was finally ready to trust a sponsor and take those 12 Steps just as he had. I let go of my old ideas, and as fearlessly and thoroughly as I could, I worked those "certain steps." And by doing that I was brought into a right relationship with God who can and who will keep me sober.

Giving up

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

I had some things I had to give up in order to find sobriety, recovery and freedom from lust and sexual acting out.

• I gave up fighting lust.
• I gave up struggling against lust.
• I gave up doing things my own way.
• I gave up designing my own program for recovery.
• I gave up the illusion that I knew what was best for me.

Instead, I got a sponsor and worked the 12 Steps of the SA program as he suggested and as described in the AA Big Book.

And I've heard a whole lot of stories by people who have years of sobriety that they did the exact same thing. And I've heard a whole lot of stories by people who are still trying to do those things I gave up trying to do, and sobriety, recovery and freedom still escape them.

There really is a solution, but it requires that I give up my own way of doing things in order to experience it.

Is porn the problem?

(This is a personal post from one of our group members.)

For me, the problem isn't really porn or masturbation or any other particular form of sexual acting out behavior. It's about lust. Sometimes I think it would be better to call our program Lust Addicts Anonymous.

If I am not lusting, I will not turn to porn or masturbation or sex. But because I am an SA, if I am lusting , I will inevitably end up acting out sexual behaviors (which for me includes porn use and masturbating). Focusing on avoiding porn is a solution that is doomed to failure for me as a true addict. Porn use is a result of my lusting, not the cause of it.

For the SA, lust is the drug. God is the solution. The 12 Step program is the path to a right relationship with God, who can and will keep a surrendered lust addict sober.

That's my experience.

Freedom is possible

(This is a personal post from one of our group members.)

I recently returned from a business trip to a large Asian city. I found the contrast between my previous days prior to working the Steps with a sponsor and being in recovery and what is happening today to be quite striking. I love the freedom that God has given me from the obsessions and compulsions, and that was in evidence during this trip.

For me, surrendering lust and the ongoing work of the program's "maintenance Steps" means that acting out simply isn't going to happen. It's not that I have confidence in myself, it's that I have confidence in God. God has proven himself faithful to take care of whatever I surrender to him.

Certainly I wasn't in control of many things while on this trip. The "exotic" nature of this city was obvious everywhere. Yes, vendors literally shoved pornographic videos in my face, many people were obviously dressed to be sexually attractive, and the brothels were obvious as well. There was nothing I could do about any of that.

But not only did those things not result in acting out behavior for me (compulsions), I was able to remain free from the obsessions that previously would occupy vast amounts of my mind-space when I was in similar situations in the past. I continued to surrender, and God continued to be faithful to keep me free. I was able to be present in the moment, focused on the people and content of the conference I was attending.

Freedom is sweet! And it really is possible, even though I didn't believe that prior to my own experience with working the SA program (working the 12 Steps with a sponsor in the fellowship of others who are doing the same). As our literature reminds us, God can and will if he is sought.