Sunday, December 9, 2018

A new life vs. substituting another problem

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

The reason why lust and sexual acting out are so attractive to me is because they are so very powerful at what they do in me. Initially they were my "solution" to other problems. Eventually I became addicted to them, and they failed to be solutions and became their own problems. But I didn't have an alternative "solution" that would work and not enslave me just as lust and sexual acting out had done.

The reason there is such a variety of 12 Step groups for a variety of addictions is because all of those "alternate solutions" are also addictive. I'm quite sure I would very quickly enslaved by anything I used to "substitute" for lust and sexual acting out. That of course is my natural tendency, so I have had to find a real solution instead of a substitute that would also become my next problem.

That real solution is the "spiritual awakening" that Step 12 refers to. It is the right connection with God and others. It is a new way of life. It is living life on life's terms. It is accepting reality that includes hardship and pain instead of always believing I should have a way of escape into a fantasy world of my own making. And the amazing thing about God is that he is a master that doesn't enslave me. He only accepts what I willingly give to him. I am free to take my will and life back at any time that I might foolishly decide to make that insane decision.

That new life was the result of surrendering to God and working the Steps under the direction of a sponsor. The program works when I work it. And I believe it will work for others as well.

Friday, November 9, 2018

The Humanly Impossible

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

On page 50, the Alcoholics Anonymous book has this to say about "the humanly impossible" (emph. mine).
   On one proposition, however, these [recovered] men and women are strikingly agreed. Every one of them has gained access to, and believe in, a Power greater than himself. This Power has in each case accomplished the miraculous, the humanly impossible. As a celebrated American statesman put it, “Let’s look at the record.”
   Here are thousands of men and women, worldly indeed. They flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a Power greater than themselves, to take a certain attitude toward that Power, and to do certain simple things, there has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking. In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of the total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements.  
What I like about that quote is that it goes beyond simple "believe-ism" and gets at the core of my problem. The core of my problem wasn't that I didn't believe in a Power greater than myself (God), it was that I was unwilling to "take a certain attitude toward that Power, and do certain simple things" that the sexaholics with real recovery, freedom from lust, and a changed life had done. But when I finally had been completely defeated by lust and fully experienced Step 1 (admitted and accepted powerlessness), I became willing to change my attitude toward God and do those certain simple things. And having connected rightly with God, he took care of the rest.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

"The Toughest Act in Town"

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Steps 1-3 brought me into the SA program (vs. just participating in meetings). Steps 4-9 under the guidance of a sponsor took me though the process of reconciling with my past and connecting rightly with God and others. Steps 10-12 keep me in right relationship with God and others and show me a path ahead to keep growing spiritually.

The Sexaholics Anonymous book introduces Steps 4-10 by titling them "The Toughest Act in Town". (p. 97)  Nobody is saying these Steps are not hard work! But I agree wholeheartedly that they are necessary for real growth to happen (vs. just working Steps 1-3 and just staying sober). "Sadly, many men and women with years of physical sobriety in Twelve Step programs never make the breakthrough into the heart of the program and true recovery. The biggest obstacle seems to be Steps Four through Ten—the core substance of the program." (SAWB p. 97)

Steps 4-9 provided me with some painful experiences, completely necessary pain if I was ever going to grow up and face reality. The thorough inventory work on my past (Step 4), confession of my wrongs to myself, God and my sponsor (Step 5), and facing my many character defects honestly enough to really want to be rid of them (Step 6), could not be called "happy days".  But finishing that process by taking it through to the direct amends to others in Step 9 meant that I really could "clear away the wreckage" of my past.

I no longer have to hide from myself and other. I know I can admit my wrongs to myself, God and others. I know that God loves me and will continue to do for me what I can't do for myself. I know that I have done (am doing) what I can to make things right with others. That "dreadful load of guilt" has dropped from my shoulders. I can "lift my head, look the world in the eye, and stand free." None of that could have happened without working Steps 4-9.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Lust addiction (vs. acting out sexually)

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Step 1 of the SA program says that I am addicted to lust: "We admitted that we were powerless over lust—that our lives had become unmanageable." Some compulsive forms of sexual acting out were what showed me that I had a problem, but those were actually the result of something deeper, the result of my lust.

I found along the way that that is an important distinction for me. When I focused on trying not to act out sexually, I failed to make any positive gains against my problem. When I instead focused on lust, it became apparent that without lust driving me to act out, acting out didn't happen. But then it also became apparent that the real problem was that I was powerless over lust, unable to fight it or succeed in struggling against it. And that's when Step 1 became a real experience for me. I knew beyond doubt that I was truly powerless over lust--that my life had become unmanageable.

Fortunately Step 2 follows immediately after Step 1, and provided me with some hope that there was a solution outside myself, a powerful God that could and would restore me to sanity. For me, lusting really is insanity, so I needed a God who could do something about that problem. And having learned to surrender my will and life and temptations and lust to Him (Step 3), I am set free from my addiction to lust. And when I am free from lust, any form of sexual acting out just doesn't happen.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Selfishness and being a victim

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

Here's an important principle for me to remember: "Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt." (AABB p. 62)

Before working the Steps of this program, I was pretty good at living in the self-delusion that I wasn't really being selfish, because I could convince myself (and often others as well) that I was the one who was wronged. I could point out that I had the right to stand up for myself and protect myself. I was in the right and didn't deserve the treatment that I got.

Doing Step 4 inventory work and sharing that with my sponsor helped change that delusion. By the time I reached the final column on the inventory sheet, everything else had been stripped away, and I was only left with admitting my wrongs in each and every situation. In the end, it didn't matter what anyone else had done. It was clear that "selfishness - self-centeredness" was at the root of my troubles, even when I had convinced myself that I had been wronged and had a right to hold onto my resentment.

The SA program is all about working the 12 Steps. My experience is that working those Steps really was the start of a new way of life in which I'm set free from lust and selfishness as I surrender those to God. The Steps have led to a "freedom I could otherwise never know."

Sunday, May 13, 2018

A Simple Program

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

My sponsor likes to say this about the SA program: "It's a simple program for complicated people." I really like that, especially because it is very true.

I spent a lot of time "in SA" but not working the Steps under the direction of a sponsor. I wanted to work them my way. I didn't stay sober. I wasn't happy, joyous, and free from the bondage of my addiction.

Everything changed when I had been thoroughly defeated by the addiction, and I had no other option but to give up and do what the sober members had done: work the 12 Steps under the direction of a sponsor.

Yes, it is God who keeps me sober. But working the Steps as my sponsor directed me to do them brought me to a right relationship with that God. And I can now say that I am happy, joyous and free!

Even though it is a simple program, it does work, if you work it.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Step Two experience

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

I spent years unable and unwilling to take Step Three. I believe now that was because I hadn't fully taken Step Two. (It also was because I kept trying to make the Steps into what I wanted them to be and to work them without surrendering to a sponsor, but that's another topic.)

The crucial change happened for me when I "came to believe"... "that God could and would if He were sought." (AABB p. 59 & 60) Up until that point, the God that I had believed in "could" restore me to sanity, but He would not until I had done enough of the right things myself to earn His favor and deserved His help. That didn't work; I couldn't do it.

In actuality, my Step One experience was not yet complete either. I still believed that I could overcome lust in my own power, and therefore I had never admitted that I was truly powerless over lust. But when the powerlessness of Step One was finally fully accepted and fully embraced, I not only was given the grace to live with that pain, but I was given the grace to believe that there was no other hope for me than to fully trust and fall into the hands of a loving God who not only could, but surely would restore me to sanity. And that meant that He alone had to be the Power that was willing to keep me sober, even if I could not do it myself or ever earn it.

My understanding of God had to change before I could and would turn my will and life over to His care.