Monday, May 2, 2016

Struggling is optional

(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

My experience prior to SA recovery was that struggling was necessary. The only defense against lust was to exert as much energy as I could muster to fight and struggle against it. Lust proved to always be more powerful than me, and thus I always lost the fight. I am powerless over lust (Step One), plain and simple.

Surrender came with a whimper. No effort. No fight. Just acceptance that I will always be a sexaholic and I will never be able to handle lust and the temptations from within and the triggers from without. The deadly combination of the world around me and my addicted mind inside me colluded to bring me down every time. I had lost the battle.

On my knees is where I must stay, surrendered to my Maker. My will and life are His for whatever He chooses to do with them. And so I also I give my lust and the temptations and triggers to him in an act of surrender every time there is even a hint of it, a whiff of the old familiar scent, the slightest thought of a lust-filled memory, the tiniest beginning of a fantasy, the remotest possibility of that person or image in the corner of my eye taking hold of me. Surrender is all I have to offer.

And at times when all of those converge in a massive force that is palpable, the solution remains the same: acceptance that I am a sexaholic and that I am and always will be powerless over lust, and then surrendering in attitude and action to a loving God who is always willing to receive from me that which I freely give to Him, including my lust and character defects.

Struggling is now an option that I no longer choose. Surrendering time and again has created a new "default setting". I learned all of that by going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the Steps as directed. That is the SA solution for those willing to submit to it.