(The following is a personal post from one of our members.)
Another member of our program was sharing about feeling a heaviness. That got me thinking about how heaviness contrasts with serenity. I definitely prefer serenity!
I've had plenty of years (decades) of heaviness before I found freedom in this program. Since I live with my wife, I have someone who observes me in as basic a state of being as I've got. And she tells me that she sees the difference in me that my years of sobriety and recovery have brought. I think sometimes I can't really see it myself, because it is happening to me "naturally" as I practice the principles of SA that I learned by working the Steps of the program with a sponsor's guidance.
Serenity is one of the things that has changed. Serenity is happening to me. The Serenity Prayer start out with "God, grant me the serenity...." It's not something I can conjure up in myself. It is a gift. It doesn't happen because all my circumstances just magically change. It happens while I am still in the midst of those circumstances. God grants it. The full Serenity Prayer talks about "accepting hardship as the pathway to peace", so circumstances may well be very difficult still. But serenity is still possible even then.
This reminds me that the whole point of this program is to bring me into a right relationship with God. Sobriety, recovery, serenity are all natural outcomes of a right relationship with God. It really is that simple for me. There really only is this one thing to focus on, and then everything else falls into place. And that includes accepting the things I can not change, having courage to change the things I can, and gaining the wisdom to know that difference. SA tells me that the Steps are the path to get there and that a sponsor can guide me. That's how it works.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Monday, October 30, 2017
God grant....
(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)
I find the first two words of the Serenity Prayer to be crucial for me to focus on and never forget: "God grant." It is another example of how God does for me what I can not do for myself. I am powerless; He has all power. It's also one of the early steps in learning some much needed humility, recognizing this isn't all about me, nor is my progress of my own doing.
In our local group we pray out loud together the Serenity Prayer and the other prayers from our literature such as the Third Step Prayer, the Seventh Step Prayer, and Eleventh Step Prayer. I appreciate how in each of these prayers I am reminded that my dependence is on God.
"...Thee to build with me and do with me...."
"Relieve me...."
"Take away my difficulties...."
"...you now remove...."
"Grant me...."
"Lord, make me...."
"Lord, grant...."
Every time I hear someone refer to the 12 Step program as a "self help" program, I wonder if they really have any idea what this program is all about. When I was "helping myself", I was acting out. For me, this is a "God grant" program, because if he doesn't grant it, I'm not going to have it.
I find the first two words of the Serenity Prayer to be crucial for me to focus on and never forget: "God grant." It is another example of how God does for me what I can not do for myself. I am powerless; He has all power. It's also one of the early steps in learning some much needed humility, recognizing this isn't all about me, nor is my progress of my own doing.
In our local group we pray out loud together the Serenity Prayer and the other prayers from our literature such as the Third Step Prayer, the Seventh Step Prayer, and Eleventh Step Prayer. I appreciate how in each of these prayers I am reminded that my dependence is on God.
"...Thee to build with me and do with me...."
"Relieve me...."
"Take away my difficulties...."
"...you now remove...."
"Grant me...."
"Lord, make me...."
"Lord, grant...."
Every time I hear someone refer to the 12 Step program as a "self help" program, I wonder if they really have any idea what this program is all about. When I was "helping myself", I was acting out. For me, this is a "God grant" program, because if he doesn't grant it, I'm not going to have it.
Monday, October 9, 2017
Hope for Freedom
(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)
One of the greatest hopes in recovery for me has been the realized hope for freedom. I say "greatest", because I didn't believe it was possible for me to have freedom from the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction. As an addict, I am powerless over lust, so what hope could I have? As I sat in meetings in the earlier years, the majority of us were still showing up week after week to report on our latest acting out episodes. I was definitely part of the majority. The majority clearly had no hope for freedom.
But there it was in the literature: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness." (AA The Promises) "We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that sex was indeed optional. There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive." (SA The Solution) And there it also was in the experience of the few. There were of course those few members who somehow had realized the "hope for freedom" that the rest of us said we wanted, but never saw happen.
As for me (and I suspect for the others in the majority as well), I now know that it was because I still wanted to play with lust, but not have to suffer the consequences. I wanted to be free from lust's power, but still depend on my own power to win the battle. I wanted God's help, but still wanted to avoid turning my will and life over to Him. I wanted to be rid of the habit, but still be able to keep the rest of my life running on my terms. ("If we want the old life intact, simply minus the habit, we don't really want healing, for our sickness is the old way of life." SAWB Step 12)
Immersing myself in the literature, going to meetings, and working the 12 Steps as my sponsor told me to do them was the key to beginning to have hope for freedom. And that hope has been realized. Today, God gives me freedom from lust and the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction! It is true. It will happen. But it comes at a price, a price I now wondered why I ever questioned if it was worth paying.
One of the greatest hopes in recovery for me has been the realized hope for freedom. I say "greatest", because I didn't believe it was possible for me to have freedom from the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction. As an addict, I am powerless over lust, so what hope could I have? As I sat in meetings in the earlier years, the majority of us were still showing up week after week to report on our latest acting out episodes. I was definitely part of the majority. The majority clearly had no hope for freedom.
But there it was in the literature: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness." (AA The Promises) "We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that sex was indeed optional. There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive." (SA The Solution) And there it also was in the experience of the few. There were of course those few members who somehow had realized the "hope for freedom" that the rest of us said we wanted, but never saw happen.
As for me (and I suspect for the others in the majority as well), I now know that it was because I still wanted to play with lust, but not have to suffer the consequences. I wanted to be free from lust's power, but still depend on my own power to win the battle. I wanted God's help, but still wanted to avoid turning my will and life over to Him. I wanted to be rid of the habit, but still be able to keep the rest of my life running on my terms. ("If we want the old life intact, simply minus the habit, we don't really want healing, for our sickness is the old way of life." SAWB Step 12)
Immersing myself in the literature, going to meetings, and working the 12 Steps as my sponsor told me to do them was the key to beginning to have hope for freedom. And that hope has been realized. Today, God gives me freedom from lust and the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction! It is true. It will happen. But it comes at a price, a price I now wondered why I ever questioned if it was worth paying.
Monday, September 18, 2017
The real problem
(the following is a post from one of our group members)
Lust was my "drug of choice". I used it as the solution to all my problems. But then lust became a problem instead of a solution. And then I couldn't stop lusting, even when I wanted to.
I used to think that my sexual acting out behaviors were my real problem, but they weren't. Those resulted from my lusting, and when I'm not lusting, the acting out behavior simply doesn't happen. And actually lust also isn't my real problem. Trying not to lust didn't solve my real problem, and attempting to fight lust proved to be impossible anyway.
But what was possible was to work through the 12 Steps of the SA program under the direction of a sponsor. And when I did that as my sponsor suggested I do it, I began to make the right connection with God through surrender to him, and I finally had a real solution too my real problem. My real problem was actually my misconnection with God and others.
How I got started on real recovery was to get a sponsor and follow his instructions. Up until I was willing to do that, "sobriety" was only temporary at best.
The program works, IF you work it!
Lust was my "drug of choice". I used it as the solution to all my problems. But then lust became a problem instead of a solution. And then I couldn't stop lusting, even when I wanted to.
I used to think that my sexual acting out behaviors were my real problem, but they weren't. Those resulted from my lusting, and when I'm not lusting, the acting out behavior simply doesn't happen. And actually lust also isn't my real problem. Trying not to lust didn't solve my real problem, and attempting to fight lust proved to be impossible anyway.
But what was possible was to work through the 12 Steps of the SA program under the direction of a sponsor. And when I did that as my sponsor suggested I do it, I began to make the right connection with God through surrender to him, and I finally had a real solution too my real problem. My real problem was actually my misconnection with God and others.
How I got started on real recovery was to get a sponsor and follow his instructions. Up until I was willing to do that, "sobriety" was only temporary at best.
The program works, IF you work it!
Monday, September 4, 2017
Does SA really work?
(the following is a post from one of our group members)
Does SA really work? The clear answer from my own life is yes. I know it works, because it has worked for me.
But does it work for everyone? The more nuanced answer is no. Our own literature makes it clear that SA is not for everyone. And as I read the SA literature, there are quite a number of "ifs" in there that make it very clear that there are plenty of reasons why it won't work for some people. "If" they won't work the program as it was designed, "if" they won't surrender to God, then I certainly don't expect "SA" to work for them.
It didn't work for me for a lot of years. But if I'm honest about that, that was really because I refused to work the SA program as it was designed to be worked. I was prideful, and I refused to turn my will and life over to the care of God. And without God, I had no hope in fighting and battling against the power of lust. But when I finally surrendered to God and worked the program as my sponsor told me to do it, I found freedom from the obsessions and compulsions. It worked!
And as the classic line we repeat at every meeting reminds me, "It works if you work it!"
Does SA really work? The clear answer from my own life is yes. I know it works, because it has worked for me.
But does it work for everyone? The more nuanced answer is no. Our own literature makes it clear that SA is not for everyone. And as I read the SA literature, there are quite a number of "ifs" in there that make it very clear that there are plenty of reasons why it won't work for some people. "If" they won't work the program as it was designed, "if" they won't surrender to God, then I certainly don't expect "SA" to work for them.
It didn't work for me for a lot of years. But if I'm honest about that, that was really because I refused to work the SA program as it was designed to be worked. I was prideful, and I refused to turn my will and life over to the care of God. And without God, I had no hope in fighting and battling against the power of lust. But when I finally surrendered to God and worked the program as my sponsor told me to do it, I found freedom from the obsessions and compulsions. It worked!
And as the classic line we repeat at every meeting reminds me, "It works if you work it!"
Monday, August 21, 2017
Quit playing God
(The following is a post from one of our group members.)
The AA Big Book has this oft quoted statement: “First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work.” That is so simply and so straightforward. It seems so obvious that the first time I read it, it put a smile on my face. Now if only I had done something about it the first time I read it!
No, it took me a seriously long time to finally get so demoralized that I "gave up, let go, and let God." I desperately wanted to play god. I was living in the delusion that I needed to be in control, and all I needed was a little help from God periodically when something got really tough, and then I'd go back to being in control again, thank you very much. God would be a handy extra boost when I needed him, but I was hoping to be the one running my own life.
That's been one of the unforeseen benefits of being a sexaholic. I've got this continuous, built-in reminder that I am not in control. I'm powerless over lust and my life had become unmanageable (Step 1). I needed a new Manager. I needed a real Power (Step 2). I needed a real God, because without God, I would be lost in my helplessness, beaten by lust and by my long list of character defects.
Working the Steps of the program was the beginning of real spiritual progress (not perfection) in stopping playing God. While working Steps 4, 5 and 6, my sponsor did a great job in showing me just how much I was making myself or other people my god. Turns out I did it all the time! But the program also gave me a new way of living, a way of living that allows me to continue to make progress in letting God be God. And one of the ways I remind myself every day that I am not God is to begin the day in prayer with the simple statement, "You are God, and I am not god."
The AA Big Book has this oft quoted statement: “First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work.” That is so simply and so straightforward. It seems so obvious that the first time I read it, it put a smile on my face. Now if only I had done something about it the first time I read it!
No, it took me a seriously long time to finally get so demoralized that I "gave up, let go, and let God." I desperately wanted to play god. I was living in the delusion that I needed to be in control, and all I needed was a little help from God periodically when something got really tough, and then I'd go back to being in control again, thank you very much. God would be a handy extra boost when I needed him, but I was hoping to be the one running my own life.
That's been one of the unforeseen benefits of being a sexaholic. I've got this continuous, built-in reminder that I am not in control. I'm powerless over lust and my life had become unmanageable (Step 1). I needed a new Manager. I needed a real Power (Step 2). I needed a real God, because without God, I would be lost in my helplessness, beaten by lust and by my long list of character defects.
Working the Steps of the program was the beginning of real spiritual progress (not perfection) in stopping playing God. While working Steps 4, 5 and 6, my sponsor did a great job in showing me just how much I was making myself or other people my god. Turns out I did it all the time! But the program also gave me a new way of living, a way of living that allows me to continue to make progress in letting God be God. And one of the ways I remind myself every day that I am not God is to begin the day in prayer with the simple statement, "You are God, and I am not god."
Monday, May 22, 2017
Control or surrender?
(The following is a post from one of our group members.)
My Step 1 experience brought me to the bedrock belief that I am powerless over lust, that my life had become unmanageable. That powerlessness resulted in a experiential understanding that I had no control anymore over lust. Lust controlled me, and there was nothing I could do in my effort to change that. Lust was always more powerful than me, and I had no hope in battling it.
I needed a power more powerful than lust to take care of my lust for me. Fortunately there is the SA program of the 12 Steps that showed me that if I came to trust a Power greater than myself (and greater than lust), I would be given a gift of sobriety every time I turned my lust over to that Power. I could be restored to sanity. I did not need to surrender to lust anymore. I could be rid of it.
Since I didn't really have another realistic choice (because I am powerless), Step 3 was how that growing trust in God would work its way out. I would simple give up trying to maintain control over lust and over myself, and instead let God have that lust and my will and life. And when I've given my will and life over to God, then turning any temptations over to Him is really quite natural.
As my sponsor said, Step 3 is a decision to work the rest of the Steps. And that was a journey that continues to bring me into right relationship with God and others.
After seven years of sobriety, do I now have control or some power over lust? No. But God still does, so I don't have to. And that's what keeps me sober.
My Step 1 experience brought me to the bedrock belief that I am powerless over lust, that my life had become unmanageable. That powerlessness resulted in a experiential understanding that I had no control anymore over lust. Lust controlled me, and there was nothing I could do in my effort to change that. Lust was always more powerful than me, and I had no hope in battling it.
I needed a power more powerful than lust to take care of my lust for me. Fortunately there is the SA program of the 12 Steps that showed me that if I came to trust a Power greater than myself (and greater than lust), I would be given a gift of sobriety every time I turned my lust over to that Power. I could be restored to sanity. I did not need to surrender to lust anymore. I could be rid of it.
Since I didn't really have another realistic choice (because I am powerless), Step 3 was how that growing trust in God would work its way out. I would simple give up trying to maintain control over lust and over myself, and instead let God have that lust and my will and life. And when I've given my will and life over to God, then turning any temptations over to Him is really quite natural.
As my sponsor said, Step 3 is a decision to work the rest of the Steps. And that was a journey that continues to bring me into right relationship with God and others.
After seven years of sobriety, do I now have control or some power over lust? No. But God still does, so I don't have to. And that's what keeps me sober.
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