(The following is a post from one of our group members.)
The AA Big Book has this oft quoted statement: “First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work.” That is so simply and so straightforward. It seems so obvious that the first time I read it, it put a smile on my face. Now if only I had done something about it the first time I read it!
No, it took me a seriously long time to finally get so demoralized that I "gave up, let go, and let God." I desperately wanted to play god. I was living in the delusion that I needed to be in control, and all I needed was a little help from God periodically when something got really tough, and then I'd go back to being in control again, thank you very much. God would be a handy extra boost when I needed him, but I was hoping to be the one running my own life.
That's been one of the unforeseen benefits of being a sexaholic. I've got this continuous, built-in reminder that I am not in control. I'm powerless over lust and my life had become unmanageable (Step 1). I needed a new Manager. I needed a real Power (Step 2). I needed a real God, because without God, I would be lost in my helplessness, beaten by lust and by my long list of character defects.
Working the Steps of the program was the beginning of real spiritual progress (not perfection) in stopping playing God. While working Steps 4, 5 and 6, my sponsor did a great job in showing me just how much I was making myself or other people my god. Turns out I did it all the time! But the program also gave me a new way of living, a way of living that allows me to continue to make progress in letting God be God. And one of the ways I remind myself every day that I am not God is to begin the day in prayer with the simple statement, "You are God, and I am not god."
Monday, August 21, 2017
Monday, May 22, 2017
Control or surrender?
(The following is a post from one of our group members.)
My Step 1 experience brought me to the bedrock belief that I am powerless over lust, that my life had become unmanageable. That powerlessness resulted in a experiential understanding that I had no control anymore over lust. Lust controlled me, and there was nothing I could do in my effort to change that. Lust was always more powerful than me, and I had no hope in battling it.
I needed a power more powerful than lust to take care of my lust for me. Fortunately there is the SA program of the 12 Steps that showed me that if I came to trust a Power greater than myself (and greater than lust), I would be given a gift of sobriety every time I turned my lust over to that Power. I could be restored to sanity. I did not need to surrender to lust anymore. I could be rid of it.
Since I didn't really have another realistic choice (because I am powerless), Step 3 was how that growing trust in God would work its way out. I would simple give up trying to maintain control over lust and over myself, and instead let God have that lust and my will and life. And when I've given my will and life over to God, then turning any temptations over to Him is really quite natural.
As my sponsor said, Step 3 is a decision to work the rest of the Steps. And that was a journey that continues to bring me into right relationship with God and others.
After seven years of sobriety, do I now have control or some power over lust? No. But God still does, so I don't have to. And that's what keeps me sober.
My Step 1 experience brought me to the bedrock belief that I am powerless over lust, that my life had become unmanageable. That powerlessness resulted in a experiential understanding that I had no control anymore over lust. Lust controlled me, and there was nothing I could do in my effort to change that. Lust was always more powerful than me, and I had no hope in battling it.
I needed a power more powerful than lust to take care of my lust for me. Fortunately there is the SA program of the 12 Steps that showed me that if I came to trust a Power greater than myself (and greater than lust), I would be given a gift of sobriety every time I turned my lust over to that Power. I could be restored to sanity. I did not need to surrender to lust anymore. I could be rid of it.
Since I didn't really have another realistic choice (because I am powerless), Step 3 was how that growing trust in God would work its way out. I would simple give up trying to maintain control over lust and over myself, and instead let God have that lust and my will and life. And when I've given my will and life over to God, then turning any temptations over to Him is really quite natural.
As my sponsor said, Step 3 is a decision to work the rest of the Steps. And that was a journey that continues to bring me into right relationship with God and others.
After seven years of sobriety, do I now have control or some power over lust? No. But God still does, so I don't have to. And that's what keeps me sober.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Sleepless nights
(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)
I was remembering an incident a couple of nights ago when I could not get to sleep. Eventually I got up and turned on the computer. I checked my email accounts, and spent some time writing a few responses and then some posts to an online recovery group. Eventually, feeling sufficiently tired, I headed off to bed.
My wife had been asleep through all of this. I ever so quietly opened the door and did everything I could not to wake her.
And at that moment a thought occurred to me. I had done this same thing so many times before, this sneaking back to bed after having been on the computer in the middle of the night. But this time was different. This time was in recovery, because this time I was still sober.
When I was still trapped in my addiction, I would have been sneaking back into the room feeling oh so guilty and ashamed. I would have been doing everything I could so as not to wake her and have her wondering what I had been doing. My motivation would have been to hide and deceive, to not be caught.
But now it is all different. Now my motive is good. Now I am not thinking of myself at all. Now I am only thinking about her well-being, trying my best to not wake her so that at least she will have a good night's sleep.
For me, the joys of this program are in watching how God is changing me as I surrender to His will for me, surrender my selfishness and resentment and a lot of other character defects, and ask Him to change me. Working the Steps with a sponsor taught me how to start doing that.
"It works if you work it."
I was remembering an incident a couple of nights ago when I could not get to sleep. Eventually I got up and turned on the computer. I checked my email accounts, and spent some time writing a few responses and then some posts to an online recovery group. Eventually, feeling sufficiently tired, I headed off to bed.
My wife had been asleep through all of this. I ever so quietly opened the door and did everything I could not to wake her.
And at that moment a thought occurred to me. I had done this same thing so many times before, this sneaking back to bed after having been on the computer in the middle of the night. But this time was different. This time was in recovery, because this time I was still sober.
When I was still trapped in my addiction, I would have been sneaking back into the room feeling oh so guilty and ashamed. I would have been doing everything I could so as not to wake her and have her wondering what I had been doing. My motivation would have been to hide and deceive, to not be caught.
But now it is all different. Now my motive is good. Now I am not thinking of myself at all. Now I am only thinking about her well-being, trying my best to not wake her so that at least she will have a good night's sleep.
For me, the joys of this program are in watching how God is changing me as I surrender to His will for me, surrender my selfishness and resentment and a lot of other character defects, and ask Him to change me. Working the Steps with a sponsor taught me how to start doing that.
"It works if you work it."
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Being ready for the 12 Steps
(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)
On pages 206-207 in the SA book there is a lengthy quote from the AA book appropriately titled "From Chapter Five Of Alcoholics Anonymous". It ends with a listing of the 12 Steps. But in introducing the reader to those Steps, the book first says this:
For me, there was no positive virtue within myself that brought me to the point that I really wanted what the sober sexaholics had and was ready to go to any length to get it. I reached that conclusion because constantly living in the lie of my lust and sexual acting out had become too painful for me to bear. I had reached the tipping point where the lust drug was causing more pain than pleasure. I wanted out of the mess I had made, but I had clearly proven that I could not do it on my own, or do it my own way. I could not stand being me anymore.
I needed what someone else had. I needed freedom, but I couldn't break free. What I wanted was what my sponsor and other recovering sexaholics had, and I was finally willing to go to any length to get it. I was finally ready to trust a sponsor and take those 12 Steps just as he had. I let go of my old ideas, and as fearlessly and thoroughly as I could, I worked those "certain steps." And by doing that I was brought into a right relationship with God who can and who will keep me sober.
On pages 206-207 in the SA book there is a lengthy quote from the AA book appropriately titled "From Chapter Five Of Alcoholics Anonymous". It ends with a listing of the 12 Steps. But in introducing the reader to those Steps, the book first says this:
"Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.
"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."There is an important "if..., then" statement in that first paragraph that jumps out at me every time I read it. "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps." (emph. mine)
For me, there was no positive virtue within myself that brought me to the point that I really wanted what the sober sexaholics had and was ready to go to any length to get it. I reached that conclusion because constantly living in the lie of my lust and sexual acting out had become too painful for me to bear. I had reached the tipping point where the lust drug was causing more pain than pleasure. I wanted out of the mess I had made, but I had clearly proven that I could not do it on my own, or do it my own way. I could not stand being me anymore.
I needed what someone else had. I needed freedom, but I couldn't break free. What I wanted was what my sponsor and other recovering sexaholics had, and I was finally willing to go to any length to get it. I was finally ready to trust a sponsor and take those 12 Steps just as he had. I let go of my old ideas, and as fearlessly and thoroughly as I could, I worked those "certain steps." And by doing that I was brought into a right relationship with God who can and who will keep me sober.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Giving up
(This is a personal post from one of our members.)
I had some things I had to give up in order to find sobriety, recovery and freedom from lust and sexual acting out.
Instead, I got a sponsor and worked the 12 Steps of the SA program as he suggested and as described in the AA Big Book.
And I've heard a whole lot of stories by people who have years of sobriety that they did the exact same thing. And I've heard a whole lot of stories by people who are still trying to do those things I gave up trying to do, and sobriety, recovery and freedom still escape them.
There really is a solution, but it requires that I give up my own way of doing things in order to experience it.
I had some things I had to give up in order to find sobriety, recovery and freedom from lust and sexual acting out.
- I gave up fighting lust.
- I gave up struggling against lust.
- I gave up doing things my own way.
- I gave up designing my own program for recovery.
- I gave up the illusion that I knew what was best for me.
Instead, I got a sponsor and worked the 12 Steps of the SA program as he suggested and as described in the AA Big Book.
And I've heard a whole lot of stories by people who have years of sobriety that they did the exact same thing. And I've heard a whole lot of stories by people who are still trying to do those things I gave up trying to do, and sobriety, recovery and freedom still escape them.
There really is a solution, but it requires that I give up my own way of doing things in order to experience it.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Is porn the problem?
(This is a personal post from one of our group members.)
For me, the problem isn't really porn or masturbation or any other particular form of sexual acting out behavior. It's about lust. Sometimes I think it would be better to call our program Lust Addicts Anonymous.
If I am not lusting, I will not turn to porn or masturbation or sex. But because I am an SA, if I am lusting , I will inevitably end up acting out sexual behaviors (which for me includes porn use and masturbating). Focusing on avoiding porn is a solution that is doomed to failure for me as a true addict. Porn use is a result of my lusting, not the cause of it.
For the SA, lust is the drug. God is the solution. The 12 Step program is the path to a right relationship with God, who can and will keep a surrendered lust addict sober.
That's my experience.
For me, the problem isn't really porn or masturbation or any other particular form of sexual acting out behavior. It's about lust. Sometimes I think it would be better to call our program Lust Addicts Anonymous.
If I am not lusting, I will not turn to porn or masturbation or sex. But because I am an SA, if I am lusting , I will inevitably end up acting out sexual behaviors (which for me includes porn use and masturbating). Focusing on avoiding porn is a solution that is doomed to failure for me as a true addict. Porn use is a result of my lusting, not the cause of it.
For the SA, lust is the drug. God is the solution. The 12 Step program is the path to a right relationship with God, who can and will keep a surrendered lust addict sober.
That's my experience.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Freedom is possible
(This is a personal post from one of our group members.)
I recently returned from a business trip to a large Asian city. I found the contrast between my previous days prior to working the Steps with a sponsor and being in recovery and what is happening today to be quite striking. I love the freedom that God has given me from the obsessions and compulsions, and that was in evidence during this trip.
For me, surrendering lust and the ongoing work of the program's "maintenance Steps" means that acting out simply isn't going to happen. It's not that I have confidence in myself, it's that I have confidence in God. God has proven himself faithful to take care of whatever I surrender to him.
Certainly I wasn't in control of many things while on this trip. The "exotic" nature of this city was obvious everywhere. Yes, vendors literally shoved pornographic videos in my face, many people were obviously dressed to be sexually attractive, and the brothels were obvious as well. There was nothing I could do about any of that.
But not only did those things not result in acting out behavior for me (compulsions), I was able to remain free from the obsessions that previously would occupy vast amounts of my mind-space when I was in similar situations in the past. I continued to surrender, and God continued to be faithful to keep me free. I was able to be present in the moment, focused on the people and content of the conference I was attending.
Freedom is sweet! And it really is possible, even though I didn't believe that prior to my own experience with working the SA program (working the 12 Steps with a sponsor in the fellowship of others who are doing the same). As our literature reminds us, God can and will if he is sought.
I recently returned from a business trip to a large Asian city. I found the contrast between my previous days prior to working the Steps with a sponsor and being in recovery and what is happening today to be quite striking. I love the freedom that God has given me from the obsessions and compulsions, and that was in evidence during this trip.
For me, surrendering lust and the ongoing work of the program's "maintenance Steps" means that acting out simply isn't going to happen. It's not that I have confidence in myself, it's that I have confidence in God. God has proven himself faithful to take care of whatever I surrender to him.
Certainly I wasn't in control of many things while on this trip. The "exotic" nature of this city was obvious everywhere. Yes, vendors literally shoved pornographic videos in my face, many people were obviously dressed to be sexually attractive, and the brothels were obvious as well. There was nothing I could do about any of that.
But not only did those things not result in acting out behavior for me (compulsions), I was able to remain free from the obsessions that previously would occupy vast amounts of my mind-space when I was in similar situations in the past. I continued to surrender, and God continued to be faithful to keep me free. I was able to be present in the moment, focused on the people and content of the conference I was attending.
Freedom is sweet! And it really is possible, even though I didn't believe that prior to my own experience with working the SA program (working the 12 Steps with a sponsor in the fellowship of others who are doing the same). As our literature reminds us, God can and will if he is sought.
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