Fortunate to be a sexaholic

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

The Step 11 section in the Sexaholics Anonymous book says this about "prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God":

"Improve our contact with God? When did we ever have any real contact? Along our journey through Steps One through Ten, unless we were fooling ourselves. Our admission of powerlessness should have been surrender to God. Our change of attitude resulted in commitment of our lives to God. The moral inventory was our admission of what we really were to God. Those thousands of "telegrams" for help—getting moment-by-moment relief from our obsession and defects—was resorting to God instead of to self. And atonement with those we had hurt and estranged marvelously opened the way for restored union with God. 

"Little did we realize that in taking all these actions for survival, sobriety, and serenity, we were finding our God! So long as we held on to our lusts, He was lost to us. But now, with our having torn down the wall of our wrongs, with nothing between, there He was, within. ...

"How fortunate we are, then, to be so needy that we have to find what our lust was really looking for—the loving God who is our refuge and our strength."

Along with being a sexaholic, I have a number of character defects that require the work of the Steps to recover and find freedom from. One of those is an extreme case of "I'll-do-it-myself" (with chin up), even though the evidence of my life shows that when I try to do it myself, I often make a worse mess of whatever it is. It took years of being beaten into having to surrender lust, to finally find freedom, and that would never have happened if I never became a sexaholic. 

So today I no longer regret it when I say, "I am a sexaholic." I embrace the reality that I am so needy and powerless that I have to find God and surrender to his will for my life.

"God, grant..."

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

I really love the concept  of (and experience of) "God, grant..." in our 12 Step recovery program. It shows up in so many forms. I need something God has, and I'm requesting him to give me what I need.

The Serenity Prayer starts out "God, grant...." It then goes on to ask God to give me what I need, but what I don't naturally have in myself. If I already had it, I wouldn't need to ask for it. That's why most of us are praying. We are seeking something from God that we need, including seeking God himself, which actually is our greatest need. 

The ancient root word for "pray" means "ask earnestly, beg, or entreat," That should be what I am doing when I pray, and my inner attitude should align with my earnest request.

I'm thinking about the Third Step Prayer as suggested in the Alcoholics Anonymous book. In that prayer, I ask God to "take away my difficulties,"  and then go on to say "that victory over them may bear witness to Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life." In my early days of going to SA meetings, I was looking for God to take away just enough of my difficulties so that I would be able to handle the rest in my own power. I still wanted to be in charge of my own life, so I only wanted a little boost. I didn't pay attention to the first part of the Third Step Prayer where I would say "God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will." And I definitely wasn't approaching God with the bedrock acceptance that I was indeed "powerless over lust". I wanted the power to wield as I saw fit. I wanted the victory to be mine, not his.  Apparently God wasn't interested in that arrangement, hence my many, many years of defeat and slavery to lust. 

It takes humility to "ask earnestly, beg, or entreat" God (or anyone else). I often hear "I'll do it myself" from the lips of little children, and it's sometimes quite amusing to watch what happens next. But for me, the "fun and games" had long-since ended, and the results of years of pride and failure wasn't funny at all. I needed to have a change of heart, to develop a willingness to ask for help and be willing to align my behavior and attitudes with whatever God was willing to grant.  

Thank God that he actually wants me to "succeed". I needed saving. I needed a Power greater than myself that could and would do for me what I couldn't do myself. And I needed the humility to "ask earnestly, beg, and entreat" God to do all of that. And he has. 

Sobriety Milestones

 (The following post is the experience of one of our group members.)

In my earliest days of SA meeting attendance, I reported my length of sobriety along with everyone else at our local face-to-face meeting. So it was something that I tracked for that purpose if nothing else. But when I started to get longer lengths of sobriety, I did become prideful of "my achievement", and that attitude was a disaster waiting to happen. As expected, disaster did happen, with many years of relapsing and "going back out there" as the consequence.

In my earliest home group, some of the "old-timers" with longer lengths of sobriety started to introduce themselves by saying "I'm sober today" as a way to avoid making people with shorter lengths of sobriety feel "uncomfortable." Acting like I was following their lead, I started using that same "I'm sober today" line as a way to hide that I wasn't maintaining sobriety at all. (Everything really does boil down to my own attitudes and motives.) But when it got discussed at a group conscience meeting, the clear consensus from those of us with shorter terms of sobriety was that we needed to know that long-term sobriety was desirable and, more importantly, was truly possible. 

In my current period of sobriety, I had finally accepted that I was truly powerless over lust (Step 1). And with that admission, I had fully accepted that "my sobriety" was a gift from God, since I myself am powerless over lust. There is nothing to feel prideful about when all I am doing is accepting the work of God in my life through surrendering that which I am powerless over. 

Today I would say that more times than not, I have slid past my anniversary date without recognizing it until I introduce myself at the next meeting and am a bit surprised that yet another year has passed. 

Today I know that there is no "good reason" for me to ever act out again. Certainly I can start making a whole series of really bad choices that once again separates me from God and his power actively working in my heart and mind. And if I do that, I am most certainly well on my way to a relapse. But if I continue making the principles of this program my daily lifestyle, there is every reason to believe that God will continue to do for me what I cannot do for myself.  That is simply part of his loving nature.  And that still happens one day at a time, regardless of how many days that totals up to be.

I Am Not Strong

(The following post is the experience of one of our group members.)

Almost 12 years ago I "hit bottom". I finally admitted and embraced the reality that I was not only not strong, but that I was powerless over lust. The difference on that day from all the other previous days when I had regretted my sexual acting out was that I finally gave up the delusional idea that I could ever become strong enough to win the fight over lust. My only option to be free from my slavery to lust was to have some other Power to set me free from the power that lust had over me. That Power is God, and God can and will do that for me.

Working the SA 12 Step program did not make me strong enough to fight lust. Instead of taught me how to connect rightly with God through surrendering my lust and my will and life to him. When I live correctly in relationship to God and to others, I stay sober and I continue to be set free from the power of lust.

I had to give up the delusion that I could become strong. I don't need to be strong, but I do need to be connected to Power. That is my experience as a sexaholic, as a person recovering from an addiction to lust.

"I just can't beat this!"

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Recently a newcomer shared in frustration that they feel like they just can't beat this addiction! That was exactly my problem as well, being trapped in an addiction that I cannot beat. 

The irony of it is that the SA program literature (and witness of other recovering sexaholics) agrees completely that this is exactly my problem. That is precisely what Step One had been telling me all along. But the insanity of it all was that I kept trying to escape the trap by fighting back against my addiction to lust. Fighting it didn't work, and yet after another knock-down, I'd get up off the canvas and put up my fists and tell myself I was going to win the next round against lust. I'd beat it this time for sure! I was going to get stronger if I just kept at it. This is what "everyone" knows is true: "You can do anything you put your mind to if you just try harder!" And all the time my face was being bloodied and bruised all the more. But I kept swinging anyway, and kept getting knocked down over and over again. Insanity!

For me, it never worked. I never got stronger. I never won the fight. And when I finally couldn't even get up off the canvas anymore, I quit fighting. 

For the first few years after giving up the fight, I just fed my addiction whatever it wanted. I hated myself for it. I felt nauseated by it. I was disgusted with myself and my life. I accepted that I would go to the grave, a defeated man, hopelessly wallowing in lust and my acting out. There was no hope, and I had admitted my powerlessness. And yet, it needed to get even worse before I was finally ready to surrender to God and beg for him to save me and to ask for help from another sexaholic (a sponsor) who could guide me through the Steps of the program as I submitted to his direction as well. 

The SA book says it this way:

In summary, for us surrender is the change in attitude of the inner person that makes life possible. It is the great beginning, the insignia and watchword of our program. And no amount of knowledge about surrender can make it a fact until we simply give up, let go, and let God. When we surrender our "freedom," we become truly free. (SAWB p.81) 

The rest of the story is working the SA 12 Step program in a way that changed my understanding and experience of and relationship with God (surrender). And based on that relationship that provided me with Power I didn't not have, my relationships with others were changed as well. How I see myself and feel about myself has continued to change. How I feel about myself is also fully based on that core relationship with God (not as the current "prevailing wisdom" would tell me to base it). 

Can I beat lust now after all these years? After all that's happened, why would I now be insane enough to go back to that fight?!! I prefer to live by the reasonably healthy amount of sanity I enjoy today. "God could and would, if he were sought."

SA Membership Requirement

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Since "the only requirement for membership [in SA] is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober", it must be something very important for me (and anyone else who wants to join SA).  But the importance and the actual meaning of those words was not something I honestly accepted when I showed up at my first SA meeting in 1989. My desire was not to "stop lusting". My desire was to get control over my acting out behavior. I erroneously believed that sexual acting out behavior was my real problem, and if I could get control over that, I would have succeeded in my purpose for showing up at meetings. 

And at first, I started to "succeed". I'd only act out each week the day after the SA meeting just so that I could say that I had some "sobriety" the next time I showed up at the meeting, (Yes, pride is one of my character defects.) Eventually I started to string together longer periods of "sexual sobriety", and even achieved a year of sobriety at one point before crashing and burning and relapsing as a consistent pattern.  I stopped any regular attendance at SA meetings and the progressive nature of my addctn took its natural course. I became a "true addct", I had completely "lost control" instead of achieving my purpose of gaining control. 

But wanting to  be "in control" is precisely the opposite of "surrender". And surrender is what I needed, even if I didn't want it. What I truly needed was to have God in control of my life, a Power greater than me and greater than lust, One who "could and would" restore me to sanity and keep me sober and free of lust's bondage. I needed a right relationship with God, but that had to come on his terms, which is why he is God and I am "not God". 

For me to really "desire to stop lusting", I had to be beaten thoroughly, to lose the fight, to "give up, let go, and let God." I had to become thoroughly sick and tired of myself and to finally acknowledge that the problem was me, the problem was in my heart, not in my behavior. I needed a change of heart, and God was willing to do that when I surrendered to him. And when I had finally lost the fight and began to experience an attitude of surrender, I became willing to work all 12 Steps as directed by a sponsor. And that led to a "spiritual awakening" and a "happy and joyous freedom" I could otherwise never know. 

Dying from lust, or dying to lust

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

I'm a recovering lust addict.  I was fully enslaved to lust, unable in my own efforts to break free from the prison and chains by which lust held me in bondage. Lust was slowly killing me, taking my joy, my good desires, my right purposes, my relationships, my freedom and my life from me. I was dying inside, and I hated myself and what I had become.

And yet lust still attracted me. This was the insanity of it all! I longed for, sacrificed for, pursued, cherished, coddled, pined for, begged for the illusion of what lust could do for me.  The fantasy of lust remained attractive to me no matter how much I hated the bondage it brought. 

Something deadly serious had to happen. Either I was going to die from lust,  or I would have to die to lust.  But I had become powerless over lust, unable to be free of it, and certainly unable to kill it in me.

Instead of fighting lust and successfully killing it myself, I needed Someone to be my Savior over lust. I needed a Power greater than me and greater than lust to win the fight for me, to take on my lust for me, because I could not bear it or be free of it. 

"Every time I surrendered a wrong in process—temptation to lust, resentment, or fear, for example—and would say something to the effect, "I don't want to bear this; I want You to bear it for me; I cast it onto You," it worked. Someone has to bear my wrong, and Someone does." (SAWB, p. 121)

For me, God does make this happen. God, in his graciousness, accepts the lust I surrender to him and puts it to death. He makes it possible for me to have life in him. But God is not my errand-boy who simply wants to keep taking my lust while I go on about my life playing my own games and living life as the master of my own destiny. Believing I could be the master of my own life got me into this trouble in the first place. No, I needed a new Master, one who knows what is best for me. I need to surrender my will and life to the "One who has all power," to a "loving God" who "could and would" restore me to sanity. 

I must be willing to be changed by God from the inside out. And this is where the Steps of the SA program come to bear on the whole process of recovery. The Steps can, if done with the proper attitude and actions of surrender, bring me into a right relationship with God and others.  And when that happens, lust begins to lose its attractiveness. Its dishonesty and delusion become transparent. I find that I really do want to be rid of it, to be dead to lust. Surrender becomes easy as the default action to take when temptations to lust appear in my sight and mind. 

God takes care of the lust, and in that moment of renewed freedom, I respond, "What's next God?"