"Staying Strong"

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

"Staying strong" was definitely my plan when I first stepped foot inside a SA meeting more than 35 years ago. I was looking for a solution to my compulsive use of portnography and sexual acting out. I thought I needed more self-control and strength in order to be able to fight the triggers and temptations. Getting stronger and staying strong was the plan, and I thought that I could figure something out by hanging out with other sexaholics, something that would give me a boost so that I could be in control. If that something was God, that would be ok as well, just as long as I was the one who actually stayed in control. 

Step 1 powerlessness was for me the crux, the tipping point into real recovery. Apparently it took me 20 years of trying to work "my program", my way before I finally had been thoroughly defeated and brought to the end of myself and my effort to exert my own power against lust. I admitted that I had lost the fight, that I was powerless over lust and that my life had become unmanageable. I knew that it would take God's power to set me free from the bondage of my addiction to lust and acting out. And I also had to admit that since my life had become unmanageable, I needed someone else to tell me what to do about the mess that I was in, someone to show me the path to take to find freedom. (Yes, that would be the 12 Steps.)

I often hear fellow members in meetings explaining their plans for what they will do in order to stay sober. Their words bring back memories of what I used to think and say about how I was going to stay sober. It was all just an attempt to become strong by doing what seems to come naturally to addicts: try harder to get control. What I missed (and I think what they are still missing) is that bedrock belief and acceptance of the truth of Step 1: powerlessness. Instead of getting control, I needed to surrender control.

For me, the Power had to come from another source that was not me. And as one of our common readings reminds us: "That One is God. May you find Him now." 

For me, the beginning of recovery was a lot of consciously and intentionally surrendering each and every moment of lust to God. That often seemed like uncountable times a day. I had finally accepted and fully embraced my powerlessness. There was no reason not to fully embrace powerlessness, because it was absolutely true. I "really wanted to stop, but could not." That to me is a really clear explanation of what being powerlessness is. 

So it was no more fighting something more powerful than me. I stopped fighting lust. I began to consciously and consistently surrender every moment of lust to God in prayer, out loud if the setting enabled that. And in doing that, I was learning through experience how to surrender my will and life to God as well (Step 3). And that made all the difference between chronic relapsing and real freedom from lust. 

Doing What Comes Un-Naturally

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Recently in our group meeting, we read the following section from the Sexaholics Anonymous book.  During this time in our meeting, we also pause to reading to allow members to share their own personal experience with the content. 

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Doing What Comes Un-Naturally

"Love" is one of the most abused words in the language. That's why we speak not of loving but of taking the actions of love. Just as with faith, love, we discovered, was not a feeling, but attitude in action. We took the actions we knew we should be taking toward others because we did not feel like it. The feelings followed. Love for us is doing—doing what does not come naturally. ....

   We start going to meetings and participating in the fellowship of the program before we feel we want to. We stop sexing, lusting, and resenting before we feel we can. And we start taking the right actions toward others before we feel like doing them naturally. This is the paradox of this "impossible" program.

   How can we do this when we feel so powerless and aren't sure we even want to? We have a God who works, that's why; His business is raising us out of our death! But "faith without action is dead." We receive that power as we take the action, not before.

"A hundred such incidents and I was beginning to learn that the key to doing what did not come naturally was surrender, the key to this whole program. The key to my own happiness. When I distrust my own feelings and just go ahead and do what's right, the miracle happens and I'm out of my dark hole."

   Many of us discovered that once these actions become customary and incorporated in our day-to-day living, we actually begin to change. We become better people and, as a result, happier with ourselves and others. (Sexaholics Anonymous, p146-147)

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The question gets asked, "How can we do this when we feel so powerless and aren't sure we even want to?" Then the author immediately answers with, "We have a God who works, that's why; His business is raising us out of our death!" 

I notice that the majority of sharing in the some of the meetings I participate in don't mention God. Now that doesn't surprise me very much at all. One of the reminders I've heard over the years is the slogan "If you spot it, you got it." Yeah, that was me too, especially in my early years in SA meetings. 

There was a lot I could talk about when I'd share in meetings, but God wasn't yet the main topic, the main point of the whole program for me. I wanted to figure out for myself what I was going to do to get control of my life, find a way for me to break free from my s-xual acting out. I, myself, my, me. The self-obsession is clear to me now. 

"...The key to doing what did not come naturally was surrender, the key to this whole program." "We have a God who works, that's why; His business is raising us out of our death!"

Surrender did not come naturally to me. It made no sense to me. It seemed to be the opposite of what I needed to do if I wanted to break free from whatever it was that I couldn't stop, couldn't get over, couldn't beat. Just a little more effort on my part, and I'd finally get there. That seemed to make better sense to me.

But no, the SA program said in Step One that I was powerless. And when I finally fully accepted that powerlessness, then, and only then, was I ready to surrender to a God who has all power (Step Three). 

Surrender didn't come naturally. I was doing something that seemed a bit crazy. But when I found that it worked, that God worked, then it became the pattern and eventually the habit. And that has made all the difference. 

Facing the Great Fear

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

In our local group, we are reading our way through the Sexaholics Anonymous book. That has been our pattern ever since we founded the group more than 15 years ago, and we start over each time we get to the end. In a recent meeting we read the following quote from Step Four on page 106.

Without facing the truth about ourselves, there is no hope for lasting sobriety, serenity, and freedom.

"I could never figure out why knowing the truth about God never set me free. Or the truth about psychology or the Twelve Step program. But when I finally came to the place where I saw the truth about me—and despaired. . . . Well, that was the beginning."

What a relief to finally face the great FEAR—ourselves!

As I read this section, it really hit me when it said, "I saw the truth about me--and despaired." Despaired. Yes, I despaired as I looked at myself with enough honesty to see what I had become. But not only what I had become, but that I had to admit that I was hopeless, powerless to do anything about me. 

At that point, it didn't matter anymore what I thought I knew about God or anything else for that matter. What I had to have was a God who would do for me what I could not do for myself. And at that moment, that is all that mattered. 

Facing myself in Step 4 wasn't easy. It was painful. It revealed all sorts of things that I had been afraid of having to face, to honestly admit were true. But without facing that "great fear" head on, there was no way I was going to find freedom from the bondage of lust, the old drug that I had used to keep from having to take that honest look within. 

My sponsor once told me that taking Step 3 was to make the commitment to work the rest of the 12 Steps. That's a really good explanation. Without a commitment to take the next step, to really "face the great fear", there would be no honest working of Step 4. And without the work of Step 4 and all the Steps that followed, there would be no hope for continued sobriety for a sexaholic like me. 

Thank God that the Steps really do work and that God is both good and powerful. Sobriety and recovery really can happen.