"Staying Strong"

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

"Staying strong" was definitely my plan when I first stepped foot inside a SA meeting more than 35 years ago. I was looking for a solution to my compulsive use of portnography and sexual acting out. I thought I needed more self-control and strength in order to be able to fight the triggers and temptations. Getting stronger and staying strong was the plan, and I thought that I could figure something out by hanging out with other sexaholics, something that would give me a boost so that I could be in control. If that something was God, that would be ok as well, just as long as I was the one who actually stayed in control. 

Step 1 powerlessness was for me the crux, the tipping point into real recovery. Apparently it took me 20 years of trying to work "my program", my way before I finally had been thoroughly defeated and brought to the end of myself and my effort to exert my own power against lust. I admitted that I had lost the fight, that I was powerless over lust and that my life had become unmanageable. I knew that it would take God's power to set me free from the bondage of my addiction to lust and acting out. And I also had to admit that since my life had become unmanageable, I needed someone else to tell me what to do about the mess that I was in, someone to show me the path to take to find freedom. (Yes, that would be the 12 Steps.)

I often hear fellow members in meetings explaining their plans for what they will do in order to stay sober. Their words bring back memories of what I used to think and say about how I was going to stay sober. It was all just an attempt to become strong by doing what seems to come naturally to addicts: try harder to get control. What I missed (and I think what they are still missing) is that bedrock belief and acceptance of the truth of Step 1: powerlessness. Instead of getting control, I needed to surrender control.

For me, the Power had to come from another source that was not me. And as one of our common readings reminds us: "That One is God. May you find Him now." 

For me, the beginning of recovery was a lot of consciously and intentionally surrendering each and every moment of lust to God. That often seemed like uncountable times a day. I had finally accepted and fully embraced my powerlessness. There was no reason not to fully embrace powerlessness, because it was absolutely true. I "really wanted to stop, but could not." That to me is a really clear explanation of what being powerlessness is. 

So it was no more fighting something more powerful than me. I stopped fighting lust. I began to consciously and consistently surrender every moment of lust to God in prayer, out loud if the setting enabled that. And in doing that, I was learning through experience how to surrender my will and life to God as well (Step 3). And that made all the difference between chronic relapsing and real freedom from lust. 

Doing What Comes Un-Naturally

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Recently in our group meeting, we read the following section from the Sexaholics Anonymous book.  During this time in our meeting, we also pause to reading to allow members to share their own personal experience with the content. 

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Doing What Comes Un-Naturally

"Love" is one of the most abused words in the language. That's why we speak not of loving but of taking the actions of love. Just as with faith, love, we discovered, was not a feeling, but attitude in action. We took the actions we knew we should be taking toward others because we did not feel like it. The feelings followed. Love for us is doing—doing what does not come naturally. ....

   We start going to meetings and participating in the fellowship of the program before we feel we want to. We stop sexing, lusting, and resenting before we feel we can. And we start taking the right actions toward others before we feel like doing them naturally. This is the paradox of this "impossible" program.

   How can we do this when we feel so powerless and aren't sure we even want to? We have a God who works, that's why; His business is raising us out of our death! But "faith without action is dead." We receive that power as we take the action, not before.

"A hundred such incidents and I was beginning to learn that the key to doing what did not come naturally was surrender, the key to this whole program. The key to my own happiness. When I distrust my own feelings and just go ahead and do what's right, the miracle happens and I'm out of my dark hole."

   Many of us discovered that once these actions become customary and incorporated in our day-to-day living, we actually begin to change. We become better people and, as a result, happier with ourselves and others. (Sexaholics Anonymous, p146-147)

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The question gets asked, "How can we do this when we feel so powerless and aren't sure we even want to?" Then the author immediately answers with, "We have a God who works, that's why; His business is raising us out of our death!" 

I notice that the majority of sharing in the some of the meetings I participate in don't mention God. Now that doesn't surprise me very much at all. One of the reminders I've heard over the years is the slogan "If you spot it, you got it." Yeah, that was me too, especially in my early years in SA meetings. 

There was a lot I could talk about when I'd share in meetings, but God wasn't yet the main topic, the main point of the whole program for me. I wanted to figure out for myself what I was going to do to get control of my life, find a way for me to break free from my s-xual acting out. I, myself, my, me. The self-obsession is clear to me now. 

"...The key to doing what did not come naturally was surrender, the key to this whole program." "We have a God who works, that's why; His business is raising us out of our death!"

Surrender did not come naturally to me. It made no sense to me. It seemed to be the opposite of what I needed to do if I wanted to break free from whatever it was that I couldn't stop, couldn't get over, couldn't beat. Just a little more effort on my part, and I'd finally get there. That seemed to make better sense to me.

But no, the SA program said in Step One that I was powerless. And when I finally fully accepted that powerlessness, then, and only then, was I ready to surrender to a God who has all power (Step Three). 

Surrender didn't come naturally. I was doing something that seemed a bit crazy. But when I found that it worked, that God worked, then it became the pattern and eventually the habit. And that has made all the difference. 

Facing the Great Fear

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

In our local group, we are reading our way through the Sexaholics Anonymous book. That has been our pattern ever since we founded the group more than 15 years ago, and we start over each time we get to the end. In a recent meeting we read the following quote from Step Four on page 106.

Without facing the truth about ourselves, there is no hope for lasting sobriety, serenity, and freedom.

"I could never figure out why knowing the truth about God never set me free. Or the truth about psychology or the Twelve Step program. But when I finally came to the place where I saw the truth about me—and despaired. . . . Well, that was the beginning."

What a relief to finally face the great FEAR—ourselves!

As I read this section, it really hit me when it said, "I saw the truth about me--and despaired." Despaired. Yes, I despaired as I looked at myself with enough honesty to see what I had become. But not only what I had become, but that I had to admit that I was hopeless, powerless to do anything about me. 

At that point, it didn't matter anymore what I thought I knew about God or anything else for that matter. What I had to have was a God who would do for me what I could not do for myself. And at that moment, that is all that mattered. 

Facing myself in Step 4 wasn't easy. It was painful. It revealed all sorts of things that I had been afraid of having to face, to honestly admit were true. But without facing that "great fear" head on, there was no way I was going to find freedom from the bondage of lust, the old drug that I had used to keep from having to take that honest look within. 

My sponsor once told me that taking Step 3 was to make the commitment to work the rest of the 12 Steps. That's a really good explanation. Without a commitment to take the next step, to really "face the great fear", there would be no honest working of Step 4. And without the work of Step 4 and all the Steps that followed, there would be no hope for continued sobriety for a sexaholic like me. 

Thank God that the Steps really do work and that God is both good and powerful. Sobriety and recovery really can happen. 

Long-term sobriety is a miracle (and possible)

 (The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

I never thought long-term sobriety would be possible for me. Some people in the first meeting I ever attended already had years of sobriety, and I couldn't even imagine what that would be like. 

Fast forward a couple of decades (yes, it really was decades), there were three things I finally accepted as 100% necessary if I was ever going to find freedom from my slavery to lust: an SA meeting, an SA sponsor, the SA program of working the 12 Steps. 

God was preparing the path for me even when I didn't know what I was going to do. I "providentially" ran into another sexaholic who was also ready to get sober and stay sober, and we started a local meeting by just showing up together and following the meeting guide in the back of the SA book. (It's still my home group.) 

After being reminded by reading the SA book, I went looking for a sponsor who could give me direction to work the SA 12 Step program. Some guy named Ed was willing to be my sponsor if I was really ready and willing to do whatever it took to stay sober and work the SA 12 Steps. I was finally ready, and there is a note in the inside front cover of my SA book that says this: "I am willing to go to any length to stay sober." Ed told me that when I was really ready, I should write that.

I also made a commitment to God in prayer that whatever this guy told me to do, I would do it, even if it killed me. As I followed Ed's direction down the 12 Step path, I found that it really wasn't that complicated if I just did what he directed me to do. But I also discovered that it was very hard work and quite painful at times. Changing a life can be like that. But it was entirely worth it! 

Taking the 12 Steps started me down that path of change, and the 12 Steps gave me the basic tools to continue that process of change by continuing on that path. It is still quite simple, but at times, still quite painful. I've had to grow up. I've had to surrender again and again and again. I've had to do things I really didn't want to but I knew I had to. I've had to sacrifice. Thank God for providing for me as I've continued to have help from the fellowship of my local group, other SA groups, and my spiritual growth partners.

 Through this program, I stay connected to the Power I need to stay sober and free. Without that connection to God, I'd still be a slave to lust. By the grace of God and the help of others, I have long-term sobriety. And that's a miracle.

The Solution

 (The following is a personal post from one of our members.)

Recently our local group read "The Solution" on pages 204-205 in the Sexaholics Anonymous book. Those two pages are a great summary of the process of working the 12 Steps.

I noticed that the first sentence starts with "We saw that our problem...." Yes, we certainly have a problem, a seemingly impossible problem, a problem of being powerless over lust with no way to escape. That was my problem, and my problem brought me to SA.

Fortunately it doesn't stop there, mired in the problem forever. As we read on, my mind drifted to a short paragraph in the first section of the SA book titled "To the Newcomer". Here is that paragraph from page 2: 

"We have a solution. We don't claim that it's for everybody, but for us, it works. If you identify with us and think you may share our problem, we'd like to share our solution with you."

I am so grateful that the SA solution was available to me when I was completely demoralized and without hope of ever being free of my slavery to lust and sexual acting out. As one of our members likes to summarize it, the SA program is to work the 12 Steps as directed by a sponsor within the fellowship of the group. And that worked for me, thank God!

The final paragraph in "The Solution" summary section shows me what we can look forward to when we've have had the promised "spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps" mentioned in Step 12.

"We began practicing a positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real Connection. We were home."

It feels great to be at home, living in a right connection with God and others. Yes, I did have to walk the Steps to get there, and those Steps were hard work and sometimes painful to take. But it certainly was worth it to find freedom by surrendering to God. 

How fortunate we sexaholics are!

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

"How fortunate we are, then, to be so needy that we have to find what our lust was really looking for—the loving God who is our refuge and our strength." (Sexaholics Anonymous p. 136)

I was shocked the first time I read the line "how fortunate we are, then, to be so needy that we have to find what our lust was really looking for." I saw in this statement that I should consider myself to be fortunate to be a lust addict, and that was not something I was ready to accept. I wished I had never become a sexaholic, and being "so needy" was definitely a blow to my ego. I wanted to solve my problem myself. 

At the beginning, I was not striving after God. I was striving to gain control over something that had me completely under its control, and I saw that as my sexual acting out. But after many years of relapses and of going in and out of SA, I finally reached my own "bottom", my unequivocal admission of total powerlessness over lust. At that moment, I did not feel "fortunate" at all!

But then something surprising happened. By fully accepting and embracing my powerlessness, I found that God had been there all that time, patiently waiting for me to move toward him instead of running from him, always willing to fill that "great void" in my life and give me freedom from lust. 

As the Alcoholics Anonymous book puts it, "God could and would, if he were sought." I doubt I would have ever developed a growing relationship with God if I had not been a sexaholic. And now I can agree that I am indeed fortunate to be so needy that I had to find that kind of God. 

Dealing with Resentments

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Before I started working the SA program, I didn't know I was a very resentful person. The program Steps as directed by my sponsor ruined that delusion for me. 😆

I agree with the saying that "resentment is the poison I drink hoping the other person will die." That really is my experience with my resentment. It does nothing to harm the other person, but is certainly harms me! It is as much a part of my insanity as lust and sexual acting out ever were. And by comparison, I'm really slow to recognize resentment for what it is when compared to how quickly I can recognize lust showing up. 

My resentment responds to the same surrender process that my lust does. When I recognize what it is, I can surrender it. It becomes easier to surrender it when I have recognized "my part" in the resentment. Things like my selfishness, self-seeking, being inconsiderate, having unrealistic expectations. demandingness, making excuses for myself, holding others to my standards for them (and thus I make myself god), and other character defects all feed into my resentments. By doing an inventory on my resentment, I can see those things in me, and it helps me be willing to surrender the resentment to God when I recognize just how flawed I am, instead of keeping on looking at the other person. And then God can set me free from the burden of myself. 

And as I'm saying all of that, I also recognize and fully admit that there is definitely no "perfection" in my practice when it comes to surrendering resentment. But I am also reminded by our literature that "we claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection." Thank God that's true!