Being ready for the 12 Steps

(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

On pages 206-207 in the SA book there is a lengthy quote from the AA book appropriately titled "From Chapter Five Of Alcoholics Anonymous". It ends with a listing of the 12 Steps. But in introducing the reader to those Steps, the book first says this:

"Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. 

"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."

There is an important "if..., then" statement in that first paragraph that jumps out at me every time I read it. "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps." (emph. mine)

For me, there was no positive virtue within myself that brought me to the point that I really wanted what the sober sexaholics had and was ready to go to any length to get it. I reached that conclusion because constantly living in the lie of my lust and sexual acting out had become too painful for me to bear. I had reached the tipping point where the lust drug was causing more pain than pleasure. I wanted out of the mess I had made, but I had clearly proven that I could not do it on my own, or do it my own way. I could not stand being me anymore.

I needed what someone else had. I needed freedom, but I couldn't break free. What I wanted was what my sponsor and other recovering sexaholics had, and I was finally willing to go to any length to get it. I was finally ready to trust a sponsor and take those 12 Steps just as he had. I let go of my old ideas, and as fearlessly and thoroughly as I could, I worked those "certain steps." And by doing that I was brought into a right relationship with God who can and who will keep me sober.

Giving up

(This is a personal post from one of our members.)

I had some things I had to give up in order to find sobriety, recovery and freedom from lust and sexual acting out.

• I gave up fighting lust.
• I gave up struggling against lust.
• I gave up doing things my own way.
• I gave up designing my own program for recovery.
• I gave up the illusion that I knew what was best for me.

Instead, I got a sponsor and worked the 12 Steps of the SA program as he suggested and as described in the AA Big Book.

And I've heard a whole lot of stories by people who have years of sobriety that they did the exact same thing. And I've heard a whole lot of stories by people who are still trying to do those things I gave up trying to do, and sobriety, recovery and freedom still escape them.

There really is a solution, but it requires that I give up my own way of doing things in order to experience it.

Is porn the problem?

(This is a personal post from one of our group members.)

For me, the problem isn't really porn or masturbation or any other particular form of sexual acting out behavior. It's about lust. Sometimes I think it would be better to call our program Lust Addicts Anonymous.

If I am not lusting, I will not turn to porn or masturbation or sex. But because I am an SA, if I am lusting , I will inevitably end up acting out sexual behaviors (which for me includes porn use and masturbating). Focusing on avoiding porn is a solution that is doomed to failure for me as a true addict. Porn use is a result of my lusting, not the cause of it.

For the SA, lust is the drug. God is the solution. The 12 Step program is the path to a right relationship with God, who can and will keep a surrendered lust addict sober.

That's my experience.

Freedom is possible

(This is a personal post from one of our group members.)

I recently returned from a business trip to a large Asian city. I found the contrast between my previous days prior to working the Steps with a sponsor and being in recovery and what is happening today to be quite striking. I love the freedom that God has given me from the obsessions and compulsions, and that was in evidence during this trip.

For me, surrendering lust and the ongoing work of the program's "maintenance Steps" means that acting out simply isn't going to happen. It's not that I have confidence in myself, it's that I have confidence in God. God has proven himself faithful to take care of whatever I surrender to him.

Certainly I wasn't in control of many things while on this trip. The "exotic" nature of this city was obvious everywhere. Yes, vendors literally shoved pornographic videos in my face, many people were obviously dressed to be sexually attractive, and the brothels were obvious as well. There was nothing I could do about any of that.

But not only did those things not result in acting out behavior for me (compulsions), I was able to remain free from the obsessions that previously would occupy vast amounts of my mind-space when I was in similar situations in the past. I continued to surrender, and God continued to be faithful to keep me free. I was able to be present in the moment, focused on the people and content of the conference I was attending.

Freedom is sweet! And it really is possible, even though I didn't believe that prior to my own experience with working the SA program (working the 12 Steps with a sponsor in the fellowship of others who are doing the same). As our literature reminds us, God can and will if he is sought.

Resisting the inevitable

(This post is a personal story from one of our group members.)

A fellow SA member shared with me about his attempts to resist his acting out behaviors. I could really relate to that feeling that I would only be able to resist for just so long, and then inevitably would act out again. We both had that experience over and over again. I think that's part of how I know I'm an addict. I could not resist even when I wanted to.

But, thank God, it didn't have to stay that way. Surrendering to God instead of resisting by my own effort was the key to staying sober without the inevitable build up and failure. There was a way to find freedom, and working the Steps with a sponsor was the way I learned what surrender really meant. And the Steps brought me into a right relationship with God and others.

There really is hope in this program, but it only seemed to happen for me when I was really ready to give up my own way of living and turn my will over to God.

Stopping myself, ... not!

(This post is from one of our group members.)

I'm a sexaholic. That means I'm powerless over lust. That means that lust will always win the battle if I try to stop my diseased mind from lusting. Powerlessness means the battle is already lost. There is no point to try to struggle any longer. I have nothing left to do but unconditional surrender.

When I first came to SA, I was looking for a little something to add on to what I already thought was true. From my culture and religious traditions, I had a fairly well-formed idea of God and right and wrong. SA simply needed to fit in with what I already knew, and everything would go just fine. I'd stay sober, and God would be happy with me.

But it didn't go just fine. It didn't work at all. I didn't stay sober or find freedom from lust and sexual acting out. It didn't work because I still needed something I thought I already had. I needed a right relationship with God, a God that was "for the sexaholic", a God who "could and would do for me what I could not do for myself."

I kept thinking that I needed to take care of my sexaholic problem myself, and then I'd have a right relationship with God. God had a different idea of how this was going to work. My way didn't work. His way did. My way was based on a high view of myself (pride and false humility) and my strength (to fight lust). His way required my real humility and His power over my lust. His way worked because He is God, and I am not.

I learned this through the experience of working the 12 Steps of AA/SA under the direction of a sponsor. Maybe there is another way it can work, but my experience and the experience of many other sober and happy and free SA's is that the SA way works when nothing else we tried did.

Pain is good

(This is a personal post by one of our members.)

Some other people's sharing got me thinking about my own weakness. I certainly am weak. All I have to do is look at the power that lust has over me, and I know I'm weak. That's the obvious one.

I'm glad it became obvious. That's why I finally "got" Step One. It was like being hit over the head by a big stick until the pain brought about enough realization that I was not only weak, but completely powerless. And I'm very OK with that today.

I think that the natural and spiritual consequences that exist in this world eventually catch up with at least some of us, and we finally "get it". That's been true of me. My own experience with God leads me to believe that it is gracious of him to withhold any special protection for me when I'm rebelling against him and harming others. I don't experience it as God particularly causing the specific painful consequence, but as him allowing what naturally follows to happen without intervening to protect me from it. How else am I ever going to know that something has gone terribly wrong, that I'm not living as I should? Pain is good.

In the same way as it doesn't do children any good to have their parents spoil them by making sure they never experience any pain (physical or otherwise) and always get what they want, it wouldn't do me any good to have a God who made sure I never experienced the consequences of my attitudes and actions.

But the amazing thing about God is that he's capable of redeeming anything that has happened in my life. Not that the consequences are gone and everything is completely fixed, but that he can use those things to bring about growth in me and even to help others as I surrender all of that to him and let him direct my life for me.