Facing the Great Fear

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

In our local group, we are reading our way through the Sexaholics Anonymous book. That has been our pattern ever since we founded the group more than 15 years ago, and we start over each time we get to the end. In a recent meeting we read the following quote from Step Four on page 106.

Without facing the truth about ourselves, there is no hope for lasting sobriety, serenity, and freedom.

"I could never figure out why knowing the truth about God never set me free. Or the truth about psychology or the Twelve Step program. But when I finally came to the place where I saw the truth about me—and despaired. . . . Well, that was the beginning."

What a relief to finally face the great FEAR—ourselves!

As I read this section, it really hit me when it said, "I saw the truth about me--and despaired." Despaired. Yes, I despaired as I looked at myself with enough honesty to see what I had become. But not only what I had become, but that I had to admit that I was hopeless, powerless to do anything about me. 

At that point, it didn't matter anymore what I thought I knew about God or anything else for that matter. What I had to have was a God who would do for me what I could not do for myself. And at that moment, that is all that mattered. 

Facing myself in Step 4 wasn't easy. It was painful. It revealed all sorts of things that I had been afraid of having to face, to honestly admit were true. But without facing that "great fear" head on, there was no way I was going to find freedom from the bondage of lust, the old drug that I had used to keep from having to take that honest look within. 

My sponsor once told me that taking Step 3 was to make the commitment to work the rest of the 12 Steps. That's a really good explanation. Without a commitment to take the next step, to really "face the great fear", there would be no honest working of Step 4. And without the work of Step 4 and all the Steps that followed, there would be no hope for continued sobriety for a sexaholic like me. 

Thank God that the Steps really do work and that God is both good and powerful. Sobriety and recovery really can happen. 

The Solution to Fear

 (The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)

Recently in our local group meeting, we read from the SA Step Into Action book, Step Four. I found this particular paragraph stood out to me (page 73). 

We find that, once again, prayer coupled with action is the solution. We use prayer to address each fear. We begin to see ourselves as people who can live in faith, not fear; who can start the day with hope, not despair; who can take the next right action, rather than wallow in the expectation of defeat. This is how we begin to outgrow fear.

Two weeks ago I was asked to share about my spiritual growth process in a setting that would leave me quite vulnerable. If I'm going to share honestly about my spiritual growth, there's no way not to talk about my addiction recovery. My natural reaction to possible "exposure" is to run and hide. I am afraid of people knowing too much about me. I have told myself that the more people know, the more reason they have to condemn me, just as I have condemned myself. This is a long-term pattern for me from my many years of judging myself. (And then there is that little issue of being quite introverted....)

Given that it was a pastor friend that asked me to share, I thought I'd better at least "say" I'd pray about it. But then having said I would pray about it, I didn't want to be a liar. So then I actually had to go ahead and talk to God about it. And then given that I had "made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God" at some point in this journey, that meant that I had already committed to "take the next right action". 

In prayer, it became clear to me that the only reason to not share my story was because I was scared of looking bad. But this was actually an opportunity to give credit where credit is due, and to let people know that God has been truly amazing and loving and gracious to me. And I actually am very grateful for what he has done in my life (if I take some time to actually think about that for a couple of seconds). So that sealed the decision, and I shared my story yesterday. 

I tried to not so much share "my story", but to share the story of what God has graciously done in my life. One of those areas of growth is to be willing to be vulnerable, even if it scares me. What happens after that is simply up to God. And since I know that God isn't condemning me, I need not worry about anyone else.