(The following is a post from one of our members.)
There's a great section in the Sexaholics Anonymous book "Getting an SA Sponsor" (p. 72-75). There is this really important sentence right in the middle of that section that is highlighted and set apart for emphasis in the book. Here's what it says:
"I wanted to stay in charge. That's why God and healing could never get to me."
I made this mistake. And I think every person I've ever sponsored has also made this mistake to varying degrees. I wanted to stay in charge!
Early on when I was dabbling in the SA program (a really insane thing to do, btw), I looked for just the right person who I thought would be just right for me. And then when he agreed, I went to work doing the Steps the way I thought they would work for me. When I talked to him, I would tell him my ideas about how I was doing things, and then I would ask his opinion, just in case he had something small to add to my well thought out plans.
The relationship did not last very long. I wanted him to be what I wanted him to be and to say what I wanted to hear, and to never tell me I should do something I didn't feel like I needed to do.
The problem was my attitude. I had not yet acquired the requisite humility to be willing to follow a sponsor's suggestions and do thing someone else's way. I needed a lot more humiliation, and I needed to experience my own version of the "incomprehensible demoralization" before I could start to develop the proper attitude of surrender to another human and thus learn how to surrender also to God.
Surrender and staying in charge of my recovery were incompatible. Finding just the right person was not only unnecessary, but truly impossible. God may be perfect, but the rest of us surely are not. And when I finally had the necessary humility (barely sufficient) and submitted to a sponsor and did what I was told to do someone else's way, the Steps actually worked!
