The following is a personal story from one of our members.
"Renewed effort" never worked for me. More knowledge and understanding
didn't either. Nor did firmer and more stringent boundaries. Nothing
worked until I finally accepted that I was and always would be a
sexaholic who was powerless, and that my only hope to stop slipping back into my old lustful ways was
to give up doing things my way, and really surrender to God, and start working
the Steps of the program under the direction of a sponsor.
I don't know how many times I had read through the Sexaholic
Anonymous book, but it was a lot. I had also read through the Alcoholics
Anonymous book a few times. I did not lack knowledge. I lacked
willingness. I was not yet willing to submit, surrender, give up my way,
and turn my will and life over to the care of God. I was not yet
willing to work the Steps under the direction of another sexaholic who
had himself submitted to working the steps under the direction of yet
another sexaholic, etc., etc., all the way back to the first alcoholics
who "found God".
As a great SA article reminds me, "You don't have to slip." I used
to believe that slipping was "inevitable", because I did it so much. But
that was just another lie I told myself. Slipping is only inevitable if
I keep trying to be my own god. But as I have learned more and more
what it means to surrender to the "One who has all power", I can say
with assurance that continuous sobriety is certainly possible. Not
because I can, but because "God could and would if He were sought."
Note: 'Slip' in this story refers to losing sexual sobriety after a period of being sober.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
Recovery From the Internet - A personal story
The following is a personal story from one of our members.
I can relate to the impact of the advent of the internet on my sexual acting out. Yes, it wasn't easy for me to get any form of porn when I was a teenager. Not impossible, but really hard and always with a risk involved. Most of my lusting was creating the fantasy in my mind based on real people I saw or other "non-pornographic" images. But when the internet came on the scene and all of those blatantly pornographic images and video became easily available "in the privacy of my own home", the amount of time I began to spend and the range of my visual experimentation went right out the roof! It simply became easy to feed my addiction, and feed it I did!
As others have mentioned, I am also required to make use of the internet in my work life. And it is an important tool for me to use in many positive ways in my life. I would not have been able to work the SA steps with a sponsor without the use of at least Skype and email, since at that time I had no local way to connect to another SA member with sobriety that could sponsor me. I haven't used filter software in years, since I am knowledgeable and devious enough to have worked around this kind of software in the past.
Instead, today I surrender the Internet in the same way that I have and do continue to surrender my will and life to God. If I am online for the right reasons (i.e. if I can honestly answer to God for my being online), I have the freedom to use the Internet as a proper tool in my life for good purposes. When I'm online, it is with a purpose, and I continue to be aware of why I am where I am doing what I am doing there. I always think about what I am about to click on, including links sent to me by others in email and the like. The vast majority of what is going on in the rest of the world is of no importance to me today and doesn't need my attention or to be allowed to rent space in my head. Simply put, most of the time I don't need to know, so I just don't click. And I spend a lot less time on the Internet today than I did in my past acting out.
Surrender is what works for me, God running my life instead of me trying (failing) to run it on my own.
I can relate to the impact of the advent of the internet on my sexual acting out. Yes, it wasn't easy for me to get any form of porn when I was a teenager. Not impossible, but really hard and always with a risk involved. Most of my lusting was creating the fantasy in my mind based on real people I saw or other "non-pornographic" images. But when the internet came on the scene and all of those blatantly pornographic images and video became easily available "in the privacy of my own home", the amount of time I began to spend and the range of my visual experimentation went right out the roof! It simply became easy to feed my addiction, and feed it I did!
As others have mentioned, I am also required to make use of the internet in my work life. And it is an important tool for me to use in many positive ways in my life. I would not have been able to work the SA steps with a sponsor without the use of at least Skype and email, since at that time I had no local way to connect to another SA member with sobriety that could sponsor me. I haven't used filter software in years, since I am knowledgeable and devious enough to have worked around this kind of software in the past.
Instead, today I surrender the Internet in the same way that I have and do continue to surrender my will and life to God. If I am online for the right reasons (i.e. if I can honestly answer to God for my being online), I have the freedom to use the Internet as a proper tool in my life for good purposes. When I'm online, it is with a purpose, and I continue to be aware of why I am where I am doing what I am doing there. I always think about what I am about to click on, including links sent to me by others in email and the like. The vast majority of what is going on in the rest of the world is of no importance to me today and doesn't need my attention or to be allowed to rent space in my head. Simply put, most of the time I don't need to know, so I just don't click. And I spend a lot less time on the Internet today than I did in my past acting out.
Surrender is what works for me, God running my life instead of me trying (failing) to run it on my own.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Surrender - a personal story
The following is a personal contribution by one of our members
One of the ways I continued in my addiction and acting out was by going to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings. (No, that is not a typo.)
That was because going to meetings was all I wanted to have to do to stop acting out. I wanted an "easier, softer way". I wanted to design my own program, and that meant just going to meetings. The problem is, acting out is a result of the problem, not the problem itself. And going to meetings is not the solution to the problem, at least not by itself.
So going to meetings didn't keep me sober. Reduced down to the most basic statement, God keeps me sober. My surrender to God both in the specific moments and in the practice of working the Steps with a sponsor as a program of recovery, seems to be the "conduit" by which God grants me the gift of sobriety and relief from the obsession and compulsion. Surrender, and then surrender again. And God does for me what I can not do for myself.
For me, my ongoing surrender is a conscious effort of connecting to God through prayer in the moments of life as they come my way and turning over to Him my difficulties and myself. As I am aware of a temptation or disturbance, I accept that as an immediate reminder to turn to God in prayer, and speak to Him as honestly as I can about what is going on inside of me. I offer up to Him the temptation or disturbance in an act of surrender. Sometimes I imagine my open hands, and sometimes I actually get on my knees and reach up with outstretched and open hands; whatever it takes. I thank Him for receiving it from me. Then I go and do the next right thing, or pray for the knowledge of His will so that I can then go and do the next right thing. I surrender to His will.
One of the things that has really helped me stop running from God and start running to Him (in surrender) was to embrace the truth that I am a sexaholic. The program isn't a means by which I can somehow eradicate "the addict" from my being. I am what I am. I am as much a sexaholic as I am 183 cm tall and have brown eyes and brown (but graying) hair. It just is what it is.
But I was so ashamed of the lusting and acting out I was doing as an addict, that I wanted to somehow get rid of "the problem" before I could turn and face God. But being an addict meant precisely that I couldn't get rid of "the problem" (me), so I ran further and further from God (but really not getting any further). Shame and pride are a deadly combination for me.
Now, I just bring all the mess that is "me" to Him and let Him do the cleaning up. And since the God of my understanding already knows everything before I even start to admit it to myself, there really isn't any point in trying to run and hide from Him anyway.
I now find that my greatest asset in connecting with "a loving God" is the very nature of brokenness that is who I am. I am a sexaholic, and I am the beloved of God. And that is what makes God so amazing to me!
One of the ways I continued in my addiction and acting out was by going to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings. (No, that is not a typo.)
That was because going to meetings was all I wanted to have to do to stop acting out. I wanted an "easier, softer way". I wanted to design my own program, and that meant just going to meetings. The problem is, acting out is a result of the problem, not the problem itself. And going to meetings is not the solution to the problem, at least not by itself.
So going to meetings didn't keep me sober. Reduced down to the most basic statement, God keeps me sober. My surrender to God both in the specific moments and in the practice of working the Steps with a sponsor as a program of recovery, seems to be the "conduit" by which God grants me the gift of sobriety and relief from the obsession and compulsion. Surrender, and then surrender again. And God does for me what I can not do for myself.
For me, my ongoing surrender is a conscious effort of connecting to God through prayer in the moments of life as they come my way and turning over to Him my difficulties and myself. As I am aware of a temptation or disturbance, I accept that as an immediate reminder to turn to God in prayer, and speak to Him as honestly as I can about what is going on inside of me. I offer up to Him the temptation or disturbance in an act of surrender. Sometimes I imagine my open hands, and sometimes I actually get on my knees and reach up with outstretched and open hands; whatever it takes. I thank Him for receiving it from me. Then I go and do the next right thing, or pray for the knowledge of His will so that I can then go and do the next right thing. I surrender to His will.
One of the things that has really helped me stop running from God and start running to Him (in surrender) was to embrace the truth that I am a sexaholic. The program isn't a means by which I can somehow eradicate "the addict" from my being. I am what I am. I am as much a sexaholic as I am 183 cm tall and have brown eyes and brown (but graying) hair. It just is what it is.
But I was so ashamed of the lusting and acting out I was doing as an addict, that I wanted to somehow get rid of "the problem" before I could turn and face God. But being an addict meant precisely that I couldn't get rid of "the problem" (me), so I ran further and further from God (but really not getting any further). Shame and pride are a deadly combination for me.
Now, I just bring all the mess that is "me" to Him and let Him do the cleaning up. And since the God of my understanding already knows everything before I even start to admit it to myself, there really isn't any point in trying to run and hide from Him anyway.
I now find that my greatest asset in connecting with "a loving God" is the very nature of brokenness that is who I am. I am a sexaholic, and I am the beloved of God. And that is what makes God so amazing to me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)