The following is a personal contribution by one of our members
One of the ways I continued in my addiction and acting out was by going
to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings. (No, that is not a typo.)
That was because going to meetings was all I wanted to have to do to
stop acting out. I wanted an "easier, softer way". I wanted to design
my own program, and that meant just going to meetings. The problem is,
acting out is a result of the problem, not the problem itself. And
going to meetings is not the solution to the problem, at least not by
itself.
So going to meetings didn't keep me sober. Reduced down to the most
basic statement, God keeps me sober. My surrender to God both in the
specific moments and in the practice of working the Steps with a sponsor
as a program of recovery, seems to be the "conduit" by which God grants
me the gift of sobriety and relief from the obsession and compulsion.
Surrender, and then surrender again. And God does for me what I can
not do for myself.
For me, my ongoing surrender is a conscious effort of connecting to
God through prayer in the moments of life as they come my way and
turning over to Him my difficulties and myself. As I am aware of a
temptation or disturbance, I accept that as an immediate reminder to
turn to God in prayer, and speak to Him as honestly as I can about what
is going on inside of me. I offer up to Him the temptation or
disturbance in an act of surrender. Sometimes I imagine my open hands,
and sometimes I actually get on my knees and reach up with outstretched
and open hands; whatever it takes. I thank Him for receiving it from
me. Then I go and do the next right thing, or pray for the knowledge of
His will so that I can then go and do the next right thing. I
surrender to His will.
One of the things that has really helped me stop running from God
and start running to Him (in surrender) was to embrace the truth that I
am a sexaholic. The program isn't a means by which I can somehow
eradicate "the addict" from my being. I am what I am. I am as much a
sexaholic as I am 183 cm tall and have brown eyes and brown (but
graying) hair. It just is what it is.
But I was so ashamed of the lusting and acting out I was doing as an
addict, that I wanted to somehow get rid of "the problem" before I
could turn and face God. But being an addict meant precisely that I
couldn't get rid of "the problem" (me), so I ran further and further
from God (but really not getting any further). Shame and pride are a
deadly combination for me.
Now, I just bring all the mess that is "me" to Him and let Him do
the cleaning up. And since the God of my understanding already knows
everything before I even start to admit it to myself, there really isn't
any point in trying to run and hide from Him anyway.
I now find that my greatest asset in connecting with "a loving God"
is the very nature of brokenness that is who I am. I am a sexaholic,
and I am the beloved of God. And that is what makes God so amazing to
me!
