(The following is a personal post from one of our group members.)
"Staying strong" was definitely my plan when I first stepped foot inside a SA meeting more than 35 years ago. I was looking for a solution to my compulsive use of portnography and sexual acting out. I thought I needed more self-control and strength in order to be able to fight the triggers and temptations. Getting stronger and staying strong was the plan, and I thought that I could figure something out by hanging out with other sexaholics, something that would give me a boost so that I could be in control. If that something was God, that would be ok as well, just as long as I was the one who actually stayed in control.
Step 1 powerlessness was for me the crux, the tipping point into real recovery. Apparently it took me 20 years of trying to work "my program", my way before I finally had been thoroughly defeated and brought to the end of myself and my effort to exert my own power against lust. I admitted that I had lost the fight, that I was powerless over lust and that my life had become unmanageable. I knew that it would take God's power to set me free from the bondage of my addiction to lust and acting out. And I also had to admit that since my life had become unmanageable, I needed someone else to tell me what to do about the mess that I was in, someone to show me the path to take to find freedom. (Yes, that would be the 12 Steps.)
I often hear fellow members in meetings explaining their plans for what they will do in order to stay sober. Their words bring back memories of what I used to think and say about how I was going to stay sober. It was all just an attempt to become strong by doing what seems to come naturally to addicts: try harder to get control. What I missed (and I think what they are still missing) is that bedrock belief and acceptance of the truth of Step 1: powerlessness. Instead of getting control, I needed to surrender control.
For me, the Power had to come from another source that was not me. And as one of our common readings reminds us: "That One is God. May you find Him now."
For me, the beginning of recovery was a lot of consciously and intentionally surrendering each and every moment of lust to God. That often seemed like uncountable times a day. I had finally accepted and fully embraced my powerlessness. There was no reason not to fully embrace powerlessness, because it was absolutely true. I "really wanted to stop, but could not." That to me is a really clear explanation of what being powerlessness is.
So it was no more fighting something more powerful than me. I stopped fighting lust. I began to consciously and consistently surrender every moment of lust to God in prayer, out loud if the setting enabled that. And in doing that, I was learning through experience how to surrender my will and life to God as well (Step 3). And that made all the difference between chronic relapsing and real freedom from lust.
