Why I Acted Out - A Personal Story

(This post is a personal story from one of our members.)

I'm reminded by something I read in the Alcoholics Anonymous book that we don't decide for someone else whether or not they are an addict. (And then they gave a suggested test for "potential" alcoholics who want to try to find out for themselves, which involved some more drinking.)  So all I can say is what is true for me, someone who has concluded without a doubt that I am a sexaholic.

I acted out to deal with stress. I acted out to avoid feelings. I acted out to escape from life. I acted out to have a fantasy world to live in. I acted out to punish myself. I acted out to reward myself. I acted out to prepare for the day. I acted out to help me get to sleep. I acted out because the sex I engaged in two minutes ago wasn't the fantasy I wanted it to be. I acted out because I was bored. I acted out to heighten dull emotions. I acted out to heighten already heightened emotions. I acted out to bring myself out of the dumps. I acted out because I liked how it felt. I acted out because I just acted out and I was feeling awful about it. I acted out because it made me feel in control of something. I acted out because it made me my own god. I acted out because of the intrigue, the tease and the forbidden. I acted out because I believed it was impossible not to, so I might as well get it over with. I acted out for myriad of other reasons.

But whatever might be the particular reason at any particular moment, in the end, I acted out because I am a sexaholic. And that means for me that acting out is what inevitably follows my lusting. And I couldn't stop, even when I wanted to.

And then finally when I was really ready to be done with acting out, I surrendered to God and to this simple program of working the 12 Steps under the direction of a sponsor.  And now I am no longer acting out.

Getting Started in SA - A Personal Story

(This is a post from a member of our group.)

I "got started" in SA twice. The first time was way back when I was in my 20's.  I heard about SA, I found out where there was a meeting, and I went.  It was great.  I found lots of people like me.  

There were also a smaller number of people at the meeting who were not like me.  They were the sober ones.  They had recovery.  They had peace and joy.  They certainly did understand how it was for me, because they had been through the same experiences as me, and those experiences brought them to SA just like me.  But in SA, they had found a real solution.

I had not yet found a solution.  And so for the next 20 years, I went in an out of SA meetings, dabbling in the Steps, and relapsing often.  Sometimes I'd just give up entirely and resolve to the fact that I was never going to change.  At other times I tried a combination of SA meetings and other religious and counseling help.  Nothing I tried and nothing I came up with worked.

There came a day five and a half years ago when I "got started" all over again.  But this time was different.  I had finally had enough.  I had finally reached the point that our SA book talks about where I "really wanted to stop, but could not".  I was defeated, I was broken, I was hating myself, I was hopeless, and I was helpless.  Recovering people refer to this as a "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization."  It was painful. And when that happened, I finally gave up doing things my way, surrendered to God by committing to find a sponsor and do whatever he told me to do.  And I knew enough to know that meant I'd be working the 12 Steps under his direction. 

How can someone get started in SA?  Go to meetings, find a sponsor who's worked the Steps and has what you want, and commit to doing whatever that sponsor says.  It's really that simple to get started in the SA program of recovery.

Lying to Myself - A Personal Story

(The following is a post from one of our SA members.)

Before working the Steps of the SA program, it was so easy for me to lie to myself.  There was so much of that kind of dishonest thinking revealed in my Step 4 inventories as I worked through the 12 Steps with my sponsor.  My sponsor taught me that I lie to myself primarily in four ways: illusion, delusion, rationalization, and justification.  Making decisions particularly when I'm rationalizing and justifying my bad plan of action, is just going to make it more likely that I end up regretting a relapse.

I now surrender any thought of doing anything that even has a whiff of lust.  I'm powerless over lust.  If I purposefully put myself into situations in which I'm entertaining the possibility of acting out, I will indeed end up acting out.  It's what I do, because I am a sexaholic.

The bottom line for me today is that I seriously do "desire to stop lusting, and become sexually sober."  That's the only requirement to be a member in SA, and there isn't any point to not taking that commitment seriously.  So that means I must be honest with myself and surrender to God those lustful thought I used to entertain while I was trying to tell myself that I could handle them.